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Internet Finds The Current Situation

Do you remember the Great Reddit Bean Breakup of 2020?

Various cans of beans on a pantry shelf.
Creative Commons photo by Darius Norvilas. Tap to see the original.

Last year, when the pandemic lockdown was just beginning, Anitra and I adopted the catchphrase “Defend the beans!” as an in-joke between us. 

“Defend the beans” comes from a Reddit post from March 2020, which recounts a story of a break-up over a stash of beans. At the time, the number of COVID-19 cases was climbing and the general advice was to stock up on supplies and shop as little as possible.

The poster of the Reddit story had purchases 45 cans on various beans for their pandemic supply. The girlfriend decided that the pantry in their apartment wasn’t a safe enough storage place…and buried the beans in the woods. She also announced plans to bury additional beans in the wood every week.

In the argument that ensued, she voiced her concern that “if things get bad”, the beans would be in danger of being stolen by “looters or whatever”.

She also refused to say where the beans were buried, out of fear that the poster might dig them up. “I will never jeopardize the beans,” she said, unknowingly coming up with the origin of the catchphrase Anitra and I use, and also coming up with something that needs to be turned into a Latin motto.

(Google Translate says that “I will never jeopardize the beans” in Latin is “Et non in discrimen adducat fabam” I know how wonky machine translation can be; if you’re a Latin student and can provide a better translation, please let me know!)

The poster and the girlfriend couldn’t come to an agreement over the issue. She broke up with the poster and moved out.

It’s been over a year since the poster wrote in Reddit, and I can’t help wondering what happened to both of them.

In case you wanted to read the original post, I included it below with a link. Enjoy the read…and defend the beans!


TIFU by demanding that my girlfriend show me where she buried our beans in the woods, causing her to break up with me.

I admit I posted a version of this on the relationship subreddit the other day, but they closed it with no explanation, I assume because they just decided it was fake. I can see how they might think that, but this is a true thing that happened and is happening, and now there is more to it because I actually got broken up with over it.

With all that is going on, we had stocked up on supplies, including some canned goods. I ordered a few weeks ago 30 cans of beans. 10 are black beans, 10 are kidney beans, and 10 are pink beans. Also, I ordered 15 cans of chickpeas. I thought this is a reasonable amount of beans and chickpeas to have every now and then and would last for quite some time.

However earlier this week I opened the cabinet because I wanted to make a vegetarian chili using two cans of beans, but all of the beans were gone. What the hell?

I asked my girlfriend and she told me she buried all of the beans in the woods.

At first I thought she was joking, but she explained, no, she had buried the beans in the woods. WTF?

I asked her to explain and she told me she was afraid that “if things get bad” we might have to worry about “looters or whatever” and that the beans would be in danger of being stolen. I said I thought this was completely ridiculous and unlikely. She became angry at me and said she “is protecting our beans.”

According to her logic, the beans are safely buried in the woods behind our apartment complex, and if we ever need some beans she will go to the “stash” and dig up a can or two, but would prefer if we save them all for “if things get worse”.

I said why only bury the beans, why not bury our more valuable items? She said the canned food was most valuable for long-term means, and that since we get fresh food in our online grocery deliveries, it would make sense to continue to stockpile beans. She intends to go bury more beans in the woods every week.

This was too insane for me and I got very upset. I demanded to know where the beans were buried, and she refused to tell me. She said if I knew she was afraid I’d dig them up, I said damn right I would. She said “I will never jeopardize the beans.”

The following day I tried to put my foot down, and I’m not usually a foot downer but there are rare issues where compromise is out of the question, and I foolishly decided this was one of those issues. I demanded to know where the beans were buried and I told her if she was going to bury beans I paid for in the woods that I would move out. We fought about it and I kept insisting.

In hindsight I should have just let it go and created my own hidden stash of beans in the apartment, and given her time to maybe cool down about this bean burying scenario, but I blew it all out of proportion. Yeah it’s weird to bury beans in the woods but why did I have to press it? What’s the harm at the end of the day? In the grand scheme of things?

But I kept demanding her to take me to the beans, or at least draw a map or something, and finally she BROKE UP WITH ME. Over the beans. I have lost the love of my life because I couldn’t let the damn beans go.

I am in disbelief. She moved out. Not only am I heartbroken but I am now paying full rent instead of 50% which is a huge financial issue for me.

TL;DR – I kept demanding that my girlfriend show me where she buried the beans in the woods and she got so angry at me that she ended our relationship and moved out. My heart is shattered and my finances are jeopardized because of a bean hoard.


 

Categories
Internet Finds

Home Depot find of the day

Sure, they’re not for any kind of home repair, but anything that lets me develop a new, totally badass skill for under $25 is a home improvement, right?

For the curious, here’s the link: 12-Piece Kunai Throwing Knife Set.

Categories
Internet Finds It Happened to Me Stranger than Fiction

The forklift safety training video I’ll never forget (and neither will you)

During the summer between high school and university, I landed a job at a warehouse where I was often required to drive a small electric forklift.

Prior to getting my 15 minutes of “training” on the use of the forklift, my manager and I sat in the break room and watched the mandatory safety video.

This “circular saw to the groin” scene could’ve come straight out of one of the Final Destination movies.
I can see the director calling for more red corn starch syrup.
I’m reminded of the song by ’80s synth-pop band Heaven 17: Crushed by the Wheels of Industry!

It was the 1980s, which was the golden age of gorehorror worker’s compensation workplace injury ads and videos in Ontario, and the one we watched took things to a red-corn-starch-syrup-soaked new level.

There’s a scene that’s forever seared into my memory. It starts with the Merry Prankster’s golden prize: an unattended forklift with the keys still in the ignition. A carefree teen decides to take it for a joyride, does a couple of donuts in the warehouse, and quickly loses control.

He plows the forks, which have been raised to the “halfway up” position (which you don’t do when the ’lift isn’t carrying anything), into an oh-so-fake wall:

Look out for the fake wall!

As if that isn’t bad enough, the lunchroom is on the other side of that wall, and so was someone who was just having lunch — he’s now just been forked from behind:

“Finally, I can enjoy my swiss and pastrami on ryAIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!”

I remember going home that evening and thinking with great disbelief:  “Grown adults commissioned, wrote, and made that video. And got paid for it.

I’d forgotten about that video, and had even begun to think that I’d misremembered it — until this compilation started making the internet rounds. And yup, it features the “forked from behind” scene!

Once again, in case you missed it the first time:

Categories
Internet Finds

Hey, Canadian cats! “Recreational Narcatics” is now available online!

Hey, Canadian cats: Are you looking for “the good stuff”? Recreational Narcatics, purveyors of the finest nepeta cataria, are selling their 100% organic catnip on Amazon.ca.

As they say on the human edition of their site (yup, there’s a feline edition too!)…

Recreational Narcatics doesn’t harvest its plants until they’re nice and mature because that’s when plants boast their highest levels of nepetalactone, as well as essential oils and blooms. Caturday night should be as interesting and mentally stimulating as possible.

Recreational Narcatics sells on Amazon.ca for CDN$11.49 for a 20g bag. Don’t you wish the human stuff came at that price?

Recreational Narcatics comes to you via my friend David Matte, whom I’ve known since the eighties. He knows his ’nip, and don’t just take my word for it — ask one of his satisfied customers:

What are you waiting for? Get your paws on Recreational Narcatics, available via Amazon.ca for CDN$11.49, today!

Recommended viewing

While I’m on the subject of catnip, here’s Catnip: Egress to Oblivion?, a hilarious catnip-themed parody of those old educational films warning us about the dangers of drugs:

Categories
Internet Finds It Happened to Me

Thoughts upon seeing an ad for a “Saturn Devouring His Son” yoga mat

Tap to view at full size.

My thoughts, in order:

  1. That’s a bit gruesome to bring to yoga class.
  2. On second thought, if you wanted to give off a “Don’t mess with me” vibe at yoga class, this would be the way to do it.
  3. Does the headline mean that Saturn’s son was named Yoga Mat? That name doesn’t sound like classical Greek.
  4. “Yoga Mat” would be a good Star Wars character name. Definitely better than the one they gave Baby Yoda.
  5. I’m sure there’s a dude named Matthew in the hipster part of town who goes by “Yoga Matt”.

Here’s the link if you’d like to buy the mat.

Categories
Internet Finds The Current Situation

“Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey” is FREE on YouTube!

Another weekend of working on tech projects, another weekend of background noise, including the 1991 sequel Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey, also free on YouTube for a limited time (within the United States, or via VPN).

This is the Bill and Ted film that introduced the character of Death, hilariously played by William Sadler:

Sadler has some serious nerd cred, as he also played the menacing character of Luther Sloan, Deputy Director of the Federation’s secret black ops organization, Section 31:

Categories
Internet Finds The Current Situation

The original “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure” is FREE on YouTube!

The original “Bill and Ted” movie — 1988’s Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure — is free on YouTube for a limited time! I assume that this is a promo for the new movie, Bill and Ted Face the Music, which was pretty enjoyable.

I’m using this it a little background noise while working on a programming assignment (more on this later on my tech blog, Global Nerdy). If you’re willing to put up with the occasional YouTube ad and need something to watch or have on while doing chores, exercises, or hey, even programming, here it is: