“The liberals took our dates!”

[ via Relapsed Catholic ] Bernard Chapin blames his dateless status on his being a conservative in the liberal city of Chicago:

For the paraphernalia displaying conservative, unexpected house
guests can make for dangerous situations indeed. I had this hammered
home to me last weekend. Upon our entrance, I wisely spent the first
five minutes frantically cleaning the bathroom for my guest’s approval
but I neglected to realize that the rest of the apartment is heavily
mined with all sorts of visible “buzzkills.” With a heavy aroma of
Clorox perfume I walked into the front room and found my guest pointing
at a portrait of our President smiling from a podium and wearing a
Carhart style coat. It was addressed to me on behalf of the RNC.

“What is this?” she spat.

a man of true principle would have stopped right there and pointed out
George’s merits to his guest but some things are more important than
winning political debates so I opted for the weaselesque, “I have no
idea. I don’t know who that person is. I wonder why he’s hanging on my
wall.” This answer at least produced a smile from the Bush-hater before
me. I considered myself lucky that she missed the framed picture of
Charleton Heston hanging just below George. However, later in the
night, she called me over to the area near the front door and inquired,
“Whose face is this that you wipe your feet on?” This was really bad
news. She had incidentally stumbled across my “Hillary Clinton Doormat”
one the way to the bathroom. In the spirit of Bill’s autobiography I
answered “I have no idea”–although I kicked myself later for not have
said, “I cannot recall.”

Overall, it is wise to adopt
Clintonian standards for discussing politics if you wish to get along
with most Chicagoans and this is particularly true regarding the
shapely and form-fitting women who ornament our city to summer

Admittedly, while political leanings can be a factor in romance, I think Chapin was more undone by:

  • Having to perform emergency cleaning on the bathroom.
    There’s really no way to do this discreetly, and disappearing for a few
    minutes when you’ve invited a lady friend over for a nightcap is the
    best way to kill any momentum gained during the date.

    By the bye, learn this mantra, Mr. Chapin: Chicks dig bathrooms that have been cleaned in advance. It says “grown-up”.

  • Going overboard with the political paraphernalia in the house.
    The Bush photo alone wouldn’t have been much of a problem. The Charlton
    Heston photo alone would’ve been no obstacle. The Hillary Clinton
    doormat wouldn’t have been a deal-breaker either; I once had a liberal
    girlfriend who couldn’t stand her.

    However, the combination of the three is a bit much: it screams political junkie,
    and unless you live “inside the beltway”, that’s just damned
    unattractive. It just makes one imagine that you haven’t yet gotten
    over losing the election for student council president (only in D.C.
    could George Will and James Carville be sex symbols).

    That’s the great lie of politics: “History is written by winners”. No,
    history is written by political junkies, the sort of person who doesn’t embody “winner”, but rather, its opposite.

    Pictures of
    politicians who’ve lived within the past 25 years are as much a warning
    sign as a bookshelf full of nothing but Stephen King and Anne Rice novels, possession of too much cat paraphernalia or
    ownership of a LiveJournal.

What do you think?

(The title of this entry is borrowed from a scene from one of my all-time favourite movies, Animal House.)

10 replies on ““The liberals took our dates!””

Well, there’s also the fact that he’s a whiner:
“In social situations when there’s far more on the line, over the course of the past two years, I’ve become adept at hiding my opinions with the people I want to impress. I’ve had no choice but to do so…”
No choice! Poor you, unable to stand up for your opinons in the face of liberal oppression! The girls won’t like me! It’s precisely this kind of right-wing whining that’s become a hallmark of the movement — the “I could do X but THEY won’t let me.” Bernard *can* do and think as he wants — it’s just that he cravenly wants everyone to love him for it too. Sorry, that you can’t get. Either you have the courage of your convictions, or you don’t. And not having the courage of your convictions? Well, it’s as utterly impossible to hide as cleaning your bathroom only when you’ve got a date, and it’s not sexy.
I once made the mistake of dating a guy who drove a giant copmobile — a big Crown Vic — and said that he liked to tailgate people so that they would change lanes, thinking that he was a police officer. There’s a certain kind of guy who votes Republican because it makes him feel macho. But if you need a car or a party affiliation to feel macho, you’ve got problems neither Ford nor voter registration can solve.

The man has obviously never heard of the Young Republicans, amazingly enuff.
In my experience, conservative girls can be startlingly freaky.
And yeah – too much political decor. I’d have stopped at the doormat.

Oooh, did the Young Conservatives have some real cuties back at Crazy Go Nuts University, and no real accordion player is complete without a cute preppy from Long Island in his checkered past.
(Take note, kids: by “freaky”, Rick doesn’t mean “axe murderer”, but in the good sense — the Rick James sense.)

Au contraire, Lisa: there is one situation in whcih lacking courage of one’s convictions is pants-droppingly, chubby-makingly sexy.
Unfortunately, that situation is called “prison”.
But seriously, excellent points!

One more thing — I agree with your choice: of the three items of decor Chapin listed, the Hillary Clinton doormat is the best choice. It says “I’m a Republican, and I have a sense of humour”. The Bush and Heston photos just scream “fanboy”, and are as off-putting as a a collection of Sailor Scout posters or a Pierre Trudeau shrine.

Geez, if liberal women didn’t hook up with conservative men, the world would quickly depopulate. Lisa Williams is right, the guy is a whiner.

Um. Having trouble commenting. Hehehehehehehe.
– Joey da Centrist’s Hippie Girlfriend

I’m sorry, but this guy’s problem is not that he is a conservative.

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