The best thing on Twitter yesterday was James Tabeek’s summary of the Republican’s “defense” of Donald Trump. If you’re confused about what happened, his explanation of their case in the form of a one-act play, sums it up clearly and hilariously.
I took his Twitter thread, which is based on his Facebook post, gathered it up in one place, and added some pictures, videos, and relevant links for context. Enjoy!
ALL THE WITNESSES: Ok we all agree. This is what happened.
REPUBLICANS: None of you were in the room!
John Bolton, former National Security Advisor (fired Sept. 2019).
Creative Commons photo by Gage Skidmore. Click to see the source.
BOLTON: *raises hand* Well I was in the…
REPUBLICANS: Who asked you?! Shut up! You’re a liberal pawn!
BOLTON: Um… I’m actually I’m a lifelong Republican and I was literally Trump’s national security advi…
REPUBLICANS: Shut your mustache! Somebody bring back the first national security advisor.
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Mike Flynn, former National Security Advisor (had to resign 24 days into the job).
Creative Commons photo by Gage Skidmore. Click to see the source.
FLYNN: *in orange jumpsuit* Hey sorry guys I’m in jail lol.
REPUBLICANS: What? Why?
FLYNN: For lying to the FBI about the Russia investigation.
REPUBLICANS: Well what idiot told you to do that?!
FLYNN: The Pres…
REPUBLICANS: Shut up! No one believes either of you!
John Kelly, former White House Chief of Staff (left January 2019).
Photo by Department of Homeland Security. Click to see the source.
KELLY: *raises hand* I believe them. And I was Trump’s Chief of sta…
REPUBLICANS: Shut up! Let’s talk to the current chief of staff. Who is he?
Mick Mulvaney, acting White House Chief of Staff (January 2019 – ?)
Public domain photo.
MULVANEY: *raises hand* It’s me. Sort of. Well, I’m the act…
REPUBLICANS: Shit. Never mind.
Lev Parnas, businessman, associate of Rudy Giuliani.
Photo via House Judiciary Committee.
PARNAS: *raises hand* I was also in the room. In fact, here’s a cell phone video of the President saying that…
Here’s a sample of Parnas’ video, in which Trump asks how long Ukraine could hold out against Russia in a battle, and tells people to fire U.S. Ambassador to Ukraine Marie Yovanovitch:
Here’s the full-length video:
REPUBLICANS: Wait what?! How in hell did you sneak a cell phone into a meeting with the President?
PARNAS: It was easy I just walked right in and…
REPUBLICANS: Shut up! You’re a criminal!
PARNAS: Correct. So I just walked right into…
TRUMP: I don’t know him.
PARNAS: And here’s 500 pictures of me with the President because we’re besties.
REPUBLICANS: Wait… What idiot introduced you to the President??
PARNAS: His personal lawyer.
REPUBLICANS: Cohen??
#/media/File:Michael_Cohen_headshot.jpg)
Mike Cohen, former personal lawyer for Donald Trump, current convicted felon.
Creative Commons photo by IowaPolitics.com. Click to see the source.
COHEN: *also in orange jumpsuit* Hey no sorry guys I’m in jail too. Oops.
REPUBLICANS: Why?
COHEN: For campaign finance violations.
REPUBLICANS: Whose campaign?
COHEN: The Pres…
REPUBLICANS: Shut up! Who was the campaign chair??
Paul Manafort, former chairman of the Trump campaign, current convicted felon.
Public domain photo.
MANAFORT: *also in orange jumpsuit* Yeah. Me. Also in jail. Heyyyy.
REPUBLICANS: IS EVERYBODY IN JAIL?!?
PARNAS: It was Giuliani.
YOVANOVITCH: Giuliani! That’s the guy who had me fired from my job!
REPUBLICANS: Who are you??
Marie Yovanovitch, U.S. diplomat, former ambassador to Ukraine.
Public domain photo.
YOVANOVITCH: I was the ambassador to Ukraine.
REPUBLICANS: Wait, you had her fired? Do you work for the government??
GIULIANI: Nope. But I figured no one really follows any rules around here so…
REPUBLICANS: Well who is the ambassador to the European Union??
Gordon Sondland, U.S. ambassador to the European Union.
Public domain photo.
SONDLAND: *raises hand* It’s me. I was also in the roo…
REPUBLICANS: F@$&!!!
Vladimir Putin, Russian president, former KGB spy, shirtless puppetmaster of Donald Trump.
PUTIN: *rubs his bare chest*