the leader of the revolt against the Greeks and Syrians who had
outlawed the Jewish religion and defiled the temple. Maccabee was give
the nickname “The Hammer” for his Buffy the Vampire Slayer-like ability
to kick serious ass despite being heavily outnumbered. This leads me to
today’s theme, which is “Tough Guys named Hammer”.
Pictured to the left is baseball hall of famer “Hammerin'” Hank Aaron, the home run
king. In his career, he scored a whopping 755 home runs and as of this
writing holds the records for total bases, extra-base hits and RBIs.
Kirk Burrell was a kid who acted as an assistant to the owner of the
Oakland A’s. Burrell bore a resemblance to Hank Aaron, which led the
players to give him the nickname “Little Hammer”. Burrell loved
baseball and would’ve loved to have been a major league ballplayer, but
he ended up being famous — at least for a little while — as the
rapper MC Hammer. Although one might doubt his toughness, let me remind
you that it takes a tough, tough man to wear those stupid pants on
national television and not die of shame.
Another musical Hammer is Jan Hammer,
best known for making the soundtrack and theme to that quintessential
1980s show, Miami Vice. Unlike most TV shows, where the music writers
write “stock” theme music that gets used over and over again in the
show’s soundtrack, Hammer wrote a brand new score for every episode. That, along with his willingness to play keytar in public
(which by the way, I do too) makes him a badass in my book.
Those lame-o’s on any version of Law and Order and the science nerds
from any flavour of CSI have nothing on the greatest TV detective of
all time: Sledge Hammer! In this comedy that ran for a couple of years
in the late 1980s, Sledge was a cop didn’t care about those wussy
little details of police work like investigating, gathering evidence or
even yelling “Freeze!”. He cared about what really mattered: filling
perps with as many high-velocity slugs as his aim and magazine would
allow. He often talked to his gun and had an unintentionally ironic
catch phrase: “Trust me, I know what I’m doing.” This catch phrase
Speaking of law enforcement comedies, here’s one that’s perfect for
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, aka ‘The Hebrew Hammer’, is an Orthodox
stud, who goes on a mission to save Hanukkah. When Santa Claus’ evil
son Damien is pushed over the edge by his father’s liberal policies, he
does away with the Christian patriarch. Subsequently stepping into his
father’s role, Damien launches a campaign to eradicate the Jewish
Holiday. The Hammer joins forces with Esther, the gorgeous and
dangerous daughter of the world’s top Jewish leader, and his friend
Mohammed, head of the Kwanzaa Liberation Front, to topple the evil
Santa and save Hanukkah for future generations.
you’re looking for an entertaining Chanukah rental, steer clear of
Eight Crazy Nights (it’s not one of Adam Sandler’s better ones, and I
have it on very good authority that it makes kids cry) and rent or buy The Hebrew Hammer on DVD.
For the second night of Chanukah, here are some hammer-themed gifts. First: U Can’t
Touch This by MC Hammer [4.0MB, MP3]. Feel free to put on some silly pants and do
Hammer’s trademark side-to-side shuffle as you light that menorah.
For those of you who are purists, here’s the song that U Can’t Touch This samples: Super Freak by Rick James [3.1MB, MP3].
And finally, here’s a link to the Theme from “The Hebrew Hammer” [2.4MB, MP3].
Update: I watched a fair bit of professional wrestling back when I was in high school, back when characters like Randy “Macho Man” Savage, “Rowdy” Roddy Piper and Andre the Giant ruled the ring. That’s why I felt some shame when MacDara Conroy pointed out in the comments that I neglected to mention a certain John Anthony Wisniski Jr., better known to wrestling fans everywhere as Greg “The Hammer” Valentine,
whose signature moves included the figure 4 leglock, a number of
awesome suplexes, “The Bionic Elbow” and his namesake, an elbow drop
called “The Hammer”.
Update: D’oh! Eldon emailed me, telling me that I’d missed the toughest of the fictional detectives called “Hammer”, and it was his real name, not a nickname — Mike Hammer, the creation of Mickey Spillane. Most of us remember the Stacy Keach version of the hardest of the hard-boiled private detectives (pictured here).