The Adventures of Accordion Guy in the 21st Century

Today is Boxing Day up here in Canada, as well as in a number of Commonwealth countries. There isn’t a definitive theory on the origin of the term, but a diary entry from Samuel Pepys tells of “Christmas boxes” of gifts and money being given to tradesmen on the first weekday after Christmas as a “thank you” bonus for their work throughout the year.

Boxing Day at the Toronto Eaton Centre, 2007.
Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons; click to see the source.

These days, it’s a shopping holiday like the American Black Friday, but without the body count (7 deaths, 90 injuries since 2006). Many stores are offering their wares at cut-rate prices and featuring loss-leader items to lure you in, and most malls and shopping districts will be crowded today. For many Canadians, with the obvious exception of those who work in the retail or restaurant industries, it’s a day off.

Whether you’re enjoying some downtime or working hard on Boxing Day, have a good one! This downtime amusement’s for you.

If you’re a regular reader of this blog, the odds are pretty good that you’ve heard of Neil Gaiman. Those of who you enjoy comic books and graphic novels know him from his work redefining a number of characters for the better, including Marvelman, Black Orchid, Marvel Comics’ 1602 series, and The Sandman, which is making a fair bit of news in the film world these days. Fans of genre novels know him from Good Omens, American Gods, Coraline (which became a great stop-motion animated film), Anansi Boys, and The Graveyard Book (a goth-y twist on The Jungle Book). He’s even written some screenplays, having written episodes for Babylon 5 (Day of the Dead, a.k.a. the Penn and Teller episode), Doctor Who (The Doctor’s Wife), and for Coraline.

Last week, he gave a reading of Charles Dickens’ classic, A Christmas Carol, at the New York Public Library. He even dressed up as Dickens and read from a “prompt copy” of the novel, a version of the story with notes by Dickens himself meant for public readings. The event was hosted by Molly Oldfield, author of The Secret Museum, who introduced the event with a description of how Dickens would prep for his readings of his novels, which included some pre-show boozing.

Gaiman’s storytelling chops and accent are perfect, and thanks to the miracles of the internet and SoundCloud, you too can enjoy it!

In 1978, Star Wars had been out barely a year. In fact, owing to the long runs movies had in theatres — even the least successful movies lingered for months — you could still see it at your local cinema, even though it had been out for a year. George Lucas was already working on The Empire Strikes Back, but there was so much demand for more Star Wars that they couldn’t turn down a request for a TV special. In those pre-World Wide Web, pre-Netflix, pre-DVD days — hey, VCRs were still pretty rare creatures back then — TV was a bigger deal than it is today, and a Star Wars TV special was a guaranteed cash cow, no matter how rushed and terrible the end product was. And wow, was it rushed and terrible.

Even as an 11-year-old, I could see the warning signs as soon as the voice-over announcer got past the stars of the films and started introducing the other actors — Bea Arthur, Art Carney, and Harvey Korman — that this was going to be yet another cheeseball variety show that just happened to have a Star Wars veneer sloppily applied to it. And it was just that — two hours of big 1970s stars doing song-and-dance routines, with just enough appearances from the characters from the films to hold it together as a Star Wars show. Even they weren’t enough, so they invented a family for Chewbacca, which ended up making much of the show an exercise in Wookie pantomime.

Even our film heroes weren’t at their best. Mark “Luke Skywalker” Hamill was recovering from a motorcycle accident and had to wear a thick layer of makeup to cover up the damage, and Carrie “Princess Leia” Fisher’s addiction was beginning to kick into high gear, and it shows.

Watch! Cringe! Enjoy!

In her defense of the Holiday Special, Bonnie Burton points out that one of the best things about the recording that’s been floating about the ‘net for years is the fact that the ads and announcements from the commercial breaks were preserved. Some enterprising soul has taken those commercials and other interstitial bits and put them into a single YouTube video:

It’s how Santa gets all his energy for his Christmas Eve mission.

The Santa, No! Tumblr is a great collection of regrettable Santa Claus images. If you like your Christmas humour a little dark and twisted, Santa, No! is for you.

Santa likes to plan ahead.

“We won’t be telling Mrs. Claus about this.”

This is why children cry when they sit in Santa’s lap. They can sense unhappy cross-dressers.

That last Santa, No! image brought my favourite Christmas carol parody to mind, so I thought I’d share it with you. Here’s Walkin’ ‘Round in Women’s Underwear, done to the tune of Winter Wonderland:

My favourite oddball Christmas greeting is “Feed the people. Stay alive!”, delivered in the best working-class Scottish accent I can muster. It’s what Bruce Watson, guitarist from the band Big Country, says for his portion of the greetings from the Band Aid artists on the extended version of the 1984 charity single Do They Know It’s Christmas?

For your Christmas listening pleasure, here it is. Enjoy!

It’s Christmas Eve, and as tradition on this blog dictates, I’m pointing you to a heart-warming (and pants-squirming) story about friendship, the Spirit of Christmas, and the importance of below-the-equator hygiene: The Best Christmas Present Ever, a blog entry from December 24, 2002. Enjoy!

Here’s hoping that my fellow residents of Accordion City can flick on a lightswitch at home this Christmas Eve and say…

And if that’s not the case, here’s hoping that this classic, featuring He-Man performing the club version of Four Non Blondes’ What’s Up cheers you up and keeps you warm (and fabulous):

And well, if that doesn’t work, try Yogscasts’s pork-and-barbarian-themed parody of the He-Man/Four Non Blondes video. If it doesn’t cheer you up, at least it’ll have you wondering “what the hell did I just watch?”.

If your tastes run towards ’80s cheese over ’10s weirdness, here’s He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special:

It’s going to be chilly out for the next couple of days while the hard-working crews at Toronto Hydro are probably sacrificing their holiday break to restore power. The temperature is expected to hang around -10 degrees C (14 degrees F)…

…so if you see these guys out on the street, show them some Christmas spirit and thank them for working during the holidays under some pretty bad conditions. Offer to buy them coffee, tea, or hot chocolate — they’re earning it.

…when you turn the mouse upside-down and see this:

Hand sanitizer. Lots and lots of hand sanitizer.

Whoever owns this mouse is likely indexed in the Creepy White Guys Tumblr.