Categories
In the News

Outsourcing Your Scrapbook and Your Duty as an Aphid of the Industrial Age

Sign of the times: Here’s a piece that appeared recently in the Arts and Life section of the National Post:

According to scrapbooking business maven Sue DiFranco, there are big

bucks to be made assembling scrapbooks for busy, stupid rich people.

Well,

she doesn’t exactly put it that way, but on her Fun Facts Publishing

Web site she explains that you can earn between $50 and $150 an hour

scrapbooking, with virtually no set-up cost. Some people, she says,

prefer to “hire out” their scrapbooking, much like they would pay

professional organizers or house cleaners, rather than learn how to do

it themselves.

If you’re wondering why anyone would need a

professional to assemble a scrapbook, it’s time you woke up and smelled

the rubber paste.

In middle-class homes, scrapbooks are the new

measure of domestic adequacy. If you just stick your photos in

chronological order in magnetic albums, well you might as well be

leaving your children down at the laundromat while gambling away your

afternoons. Any responsible mother wanting to hold her head high at the

PTA should be spending at least $50 a month (some people spend $50 a

day) and her spare hours (between 1 a.m. and 3 a.m.) documenting,

cropping, matting, embellishing, hole-punching and stamping little

doodads all over the family scrapbook.

People who don’t have the time, money or “talent” to

scrapbook are hiring others to do it for them — for thousands of

dollars. Even if you’re talentless they’ll hire you, according to

DiFranco. She advises, “Don’t question your own ‘scraptistic ability.’

Most clients actually prefer the look of simple layouts. And because

they’re not scrapbookers themselves, they won’t be comparing your work

to anyone else’s.”

What an ideal client base.


There’s no way that someone else, given a shoebox of your 

photos, clippings and other mementoes, could possibly create a

scrapbook that would capture their meaning — at least not without

consulting with you extensively. Would a scrapbooker possibly know that

the pack of matches from Ben’s Smoked Meat in Montreal means infinitely

more to me than the photo of me and the then-girlfriend at Lollapalooza

’95? That the grey dog was my first pet and the black dog belonged to a

girlfriend? Or that the mini-bar bill from the no-longer-existent

Holiday Inn behind New City Hall goes with the letters from the sisters

I was dating, each without the other’s knowledge?

(Hey, I was 19, and if you thought you could get away with it, you’d do it too.)

A scrapbook put

together by someone else might be nicely arranged, but it would be

bereft of rhyme or reason, free of nuance or meaning. It would merely

be a vanity coffee table book, a sort of trophy whose raison d’etre

would be so that you could brag that you had one.


“What an ideal client base” is what the RIAA, MPAA or Bill Gates

would say after reading the National Post article. These guys prefer to think of you as consumers rather than customers. The distinction, as Doc Searls often likes to point out, is an important one. He says

that as a consumer, vendors see you as an “aphid of the industrial

age”; a creature whose primary role in the scheme of things is to “gulp

products and crap cash”.

Any creative activity — and yes, scrapbooking falls into this category

— is the sort of thing that they wouldn’t like. If you’re creating,

you’re likely not consuming, and hence you’re not  perfoming your

designated function: crapping cash. That’s why they think you’ve only licensed and don’t really own the music and movies you bought. It’s also why they’d like set limits on what your computers can do. It’s also why you and your SMS messages are to blame for the box-office failure of their crappy movies rather than say, the movie being crappy. And finally, it’s also why they want to lock pieces of your own culture away from you and keep it for themselves.

The saddest thing is that people are beginning to buy into their

consumer aphid role, and it starts with outsourcing your scrapbook.

Categories
Uncategorized

Surely This is a Sign of the Apocalypse

Photo: Dog in a litter box.

This is wrongness on the same level as Manties (“panties for men”).

[via Defective Yeti] Holy crap, they’re now making kitty litter for dogs.

Categories
Uncategorized

Aim High, That’s What I Always Say! [Updated]

At Albert M. Greenfield Elementary School in Philadelphia, they’re either brutally honest or lowering expectations:

Photo: School hallway showing banner for Albert M. Greefield Elementary School: 'We made adequate yearly progress in 2004'.

The slogan works just as well for Future Shop. Click to see the original photo’s page.

Update: The original photographer has been found, so I can now attribute the photo: it’s Mike from Satan’s Laundromat.

Categories
It Happened to Me

Mentioned in Wall Street Journal’s OpinionJournal

Graphic: WSJ.com OpinionJournal logo.

James Taranto, in his Best of the Web Today column in The Wall Street Journal‘s OpinionJournal took notice of my blogging the 1959 Superman comic story that makes use of the word “blog” (see the end of the section titled Wag the Blog).

Thank you, Mr. Taranto!

Comic: A panel from the 1959 Superman comic in which the word 'blog' is used.

In case you haven’t seen the Superman comic, click the comic panel above to read the entry.

Categories
Uncategorized

She’s Just Not That Into You, Greg

Photo: 'She's Just Not That Into You' -- a Photoshopped version of the cover of 'He's Just Not That Into You'.

A slightly modified version of the actual book cover.

I suspect that there are the fortunate few for whom dating never was an ego-crushing experience; they may have had bad dates or bad relationships, but they have the perfect combination of looks, charm and plain old luck to have been spared. The rest of us — that includes me — have to deal with rejection.

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (quit rolling your eyes, I’m trying to make a point here) introduced the “Kobayashi Maru” test, a starship simulation in which a Starfleet cadet is put into a  situation considered to be a “no-win scenario”.

The simulation is meant to be a test of the cadet’s discipline, character, and command capabilities when faced with great adversity. “How we face death,” as Admiral Kirk put it, “shows how we face life.”

Getting rejected in dating provides all the character testing of the Kobayashi Maru scenario without the military service — or William Shatner’s acting.

There are many ways to get rejected, but one of the worst has to be when they simply don’t return your calls. Many rejectors take this take because it spares them the awkwardness of having to be “the bad guy”, but the rejectee is left hanging with an “unresolved” feeling.

In my opinion, the correct way to handle such a scenario is to leave a single message along the lines of “I’d appreciate it if you would call me back” and leave it at that. There are many wrong ways, and this set of messages left by a guy named Greg [1.7 MB MP3, included as an enclosure for you Podcast listeners] is a prime example.

I don’t know either party in the recording; I just stumbled across the file. The first girl I ever asked out stopped returning my calls after a while and I think I responded in the same way that Greg did, but hey — I was 15. Greg sounds old enough to know better.

Categories
Music

Your Mesmerizing, Crazy-Making Productivity Killer for Today

Are you on a coffee break right now? Take a look at this mesmerizing stick-in-your-brain Flash song-and-dance animation.

WARNING: Loud, silly techno music — you might want to turn down your computer speakers first!

Click on the image to see the Flash animation. It will stick your brain — you were warned!

Categories
In the News

This is Laura. She Rocks Out.

Photo: Laura Bush throws the horns!

Click the photo to see the corresponding Yahoo! News page.

Egad. The only woman less qualified to “throw the horns” is Kathie Lee Gifford.

Perhaps this is related to the news that the other fake cowboy, Kid Rock, is playing the youth presidential inaugural concert hosted by the Bush twins (a.k.a. “Drunk and Drunker”).