Category: The Current Situation

Over at the blog Cathartic Relief, there’s an interesting alternate-future-history story that takes place 8 years after the Chinese invaded America in the summer of 2008. I’m sure it’ll get readers riled up in all sorts of different ways; feel free to sound off in the comments!

Some excerpts:

It’s been eight years now. Eight long years. Sure, initially I was glad when China toppled the Bush regime and executed the “retarded tyrant” as I love to call him. It wasn’t that bad at the start, but as time wore on and I realized they weren’t leaving, it started to gnaw at me.

The Chinese instituted some changes. They said that the only truly free society was one in which everyone worked for the common good. The imposed their political system on us without asking. I think they believe they’re doing us a favor.

Then there’s the checkpoints they introduced. There are sickeningly frequent reports of US citizens being killed at these checkpoints throughout the country. Apparently what happens is that a carload of civilians gets shouted at (in Chinese) to slow down or stop. Not understanding, they fail to comply. Result: bullet riddled civilians with confused and terrified looks on their faces. Just last week the Chinese killed a busload of 17 civilians. Most of them were school children on a class trip. There were three teachers too.

While the Chinese have deployed much of their national army on US soil, they’ve also used a lot of civilian contractors to enforce curfews and protect foreign diplomats. These contractors and the company they work for (Redwater) are beyond the reach of the US judicial system. The Chinese have given them immunity for their actions on US soil and the company spirits away any individuals accused of wrongdoing before an investigation can get underway, even if there was a point to conducting one.

Initially, people seemed to accept the fact that we needed help getting rid of Bush’s dictatorship. Lately, I think people have come to understand that the Chinese are really here for our natural resources. In the fusion driven, post-oil world, apparently American soil contains a lot of the minerals that drive the fusion process. I don’t really understand it but apparently the largest supply of “whatever it is” (some sort of helium?) was found in Iowa. The Chinese have set up camp there and apparently haven’t left. They can talk all they want about giving us our freedom but with 4,500,000 dead, 21,000,000 Americans who’ve fled and are now living as refugees elsewhere (12,000,000 in Canada alone) and another 1,100,000 fleeing each month, I gotta tell ya, it doesn’t feel all that free.

These are only excerpts; be sure to read the full story.

…well, according to The Beast’s list of the 50 most loathsome people in America for 2007, anyway. (And yes, we’ve got loathsome types of this sort in Canada as well.)

You

Charges

You believe in freedom of speech, until someone says something that offends you. You suddenly give a damn about border integrity, because the automated voice system at your pharmacy asked you to press 9 for Spanish. You cling to every scrap of bullshit you can find to support your ludicrous belief system, and reject all empirical evidence to the contrary. You know the difference between patriotism and nationalism — it’s nationalism when foreigners do it. You hate anyone who seems smarter than you. You care more about zygotes than actual people. You love to blame people for their misfortunes, even if it means screwing yourself over. You still think Republicans favor limited government. Your knowledge of politics and government are dwarfed by your concern for Britney Spears’ children. You think buying Chinese goods stimulates our economy. You think you’re going to get universal health care. You tolerate the phrase “enhanced interrogation techniques.” You think the government is actually trying to improve education. You think watching CNN makes you smarter. You think two parties is enough. You can’t spell. You think $9 trillion in debt is manageable. You believe in an afterlife for the sole reason that you don’t want to die. You think lowering taxes raises revenue. You think the economy’s doing well. You’re an idiot.

Exhibit A

You couldn’t get enough Anna Nicole Smith coverage.

Sentence

A gradual decline into abject poverty as you continue to vote against your own self-interest. Death by an easily treated disorder that your health insurance doesn’t cover. You deserve it, chump.

The lines in the last panel of the comic below sum up everything wrong with Hillary Clinton’s campaign:

Democrat 1: We need to choose a nominee who fills voters with a sense of profound ambivalence!

Democrat 2: Yes — preferably one with high negatives and excessive baggage!

Democrat 1: White House, here we come!

I missed reading “Dersh’s” op-ed in the Wall Street Journal titled Democrats and Waterboarding until this morning. After reading it, these two things came to mind:

1. “Reluctant to torture” is not the same as “soft on terror”.
2. “We should do it because the Nazis did it, and it worked!” is already a bad argument when put forth by a gentile; it’s doubly bad if you’re Jewish.

This week, The Daily Show aired one of its best and most spot-on segments, America to the Rescue, a high-larious summary of 30 years of American foreign policy in the Middle East:

Can’t see the video? Click here.