The Current Situation

You are the 9th Most Loathsome Person in America

Fat woman in an American flag shirt with clenched fist

…well, according to The Beast’s list of the 50 most loathsome people in America for 2007, anyway. (And yes, we’ve got loathsome types of this sort in Canada as well.)



You believe in freedom of speech, until someone says something that offends you. You suddenly give a damn about border integrity, because the automated voice system at your pharmacy asked you to press 9 for Spanish. You cling to every scrap of bullshit you can find to support your ludicrous belief system, and reject all empirical evidence to the contrary. You know the difference between patriotism and nationalism — it’s nationalism when foreigners do it. You hate anyone who seems smarter than you. You care more about zygotes than actual people. You love to blame people for their misfortunes, even if it means screwing yourself over. You still think Republicans favor limited government. Your knowledge of politics and government are dwarfed by your concern for Britney Spears’ children. You think buying Chinese goods stimulates our economy. You think you’re going to get universal health care. You tolerate the phrase “enhanced interrogation techniques.” You think the government is actually trying to improve education. You think watching CNN makes you smarter. You think two parties is enough. You can’t spell. You think $9 trillion in debt is manageable. You believe in an afterlife for the sole reason that you don’t want to die. You think lowering taxes raises revenue. You think the economy’s doing well. You’re an idiot.

Exhibit A

You couldn’t get enough Anna Nicole Smith coverage.


A gradual decline into abject poverty as you continue to vote against your own self-interest. Death by an easily treated disorder that your health insurance doesn’t cover. You deserve it, chump.

The Current Situation

The Trouble with Hillary

The lines in the last panel of the comic below sum up everything wrong with Hillary Clinton’s campaign:

Democrat 1: We need to choose a nominee who fills voters with a sense of profound ambivalence!

Democrat 2: Yes — preferably one with high negatives and excessive baggage!

Democrat 1: White House, here we come!

“This Modern World” comic: “The Trouble with Hillary”

funny The Current Situation

Citizen’s Insertable Swiftness Manifest

Being the day before Thanksgiving, today’s a busy day at airports all across the United States. If you’re flying today, the Citizen’s Insertable Swiftness Manifest will guarantee that you’ll breeze through security*!

Citizen’s Insertable Luggage Manifest

* Straight into the body cavity search room, that is.

The Current Situation

Two Things That Came to Mind When Reading Alan Dershowitz’s Op-Ed in the Wall Street Journal

I missed reading “Dersh’s” op-ed in the Wall Street Journal titled Democrats and Waterboarding until this morning. After reading it, these two things came to mind:

  1. “Reluctant to torture” is not the same as “soft on terror”.
  2. “We should do it because the Nazis did it, and it worked!” is already a bad argument when put forth by a gentile; it’s doubly bad if you’re Jewish.
In the News The Current Situation

Adios, Pendejo!

Alberto GonzalesIt’s nice to start the working week with some good news: the world’s most sleazy amnesiac, U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has resigned. Says the A-G, who’s stepping down on September 17th:

I have lived the American dream. Even my worst days as Attorney General have been better than my father’s best days.

How would he know? He can’t remember a damned thing.

Not Up on Your Spanish Profanities?

Here’s the definition of pendejo (pronounced “pen-DEH-hoh”).

Alberto Gonzales: Some Videos

Here’s a CNN piece on Gonzales’ inability to remember key details at his hearings:

Can’t see the video? Click here.

Here’s Gonzales stating that the U.S. Constitution doesn’t guarantee habeas corpus as a right:

Can’t see the video? Click here.

Here’s Jon Stewart on Bill Moyers’ show. He hits the nail on the head when he says that Gonzales, based on his testimony, is “either a perjurer or a low-functioning pinhead”:

Can’t see the video? Click here.

And finally, a telenovela from The Daily Show, Mommy, Why is the Lying Man Still in Charge of the Law?:

Can’t see the video? Click here.

The Current Situation

“America to the Rescue”

This week, The Daily Show aired one of its best and most spot-on segments, America to the Rescue, a high-larious summary of 30 years of American foreign policy in the Middle East:

Can’t see the video? Click here.

The Current Situation

7 Wonders of the Totalitarian World

Man Hands!

It’s all about the giant hands:

7 Wonders of the Totalitarian World
Photos from Esquire, courtesy of Miss Fipi Lele.

Here’s what these wonders are:

  1. Fist Crushing U.S. Fighter Plane, Libya
  2. Monument to President Laurent Kabila, Democratic Republic of Congo
  3. Lenin’s Mausoleum, Russia
  4. Monument to President Saparmurat Niyazov, Turkmenistan
  5. Mao Leading the Chinese People’s Liberation Army, China
  6. The Hands of Victory, Iraq
  7. Monument to the Founding of the North Korean Worker’s Party, North Korea

Render Into Caesar

If the folks at Family Security Matters have their way — see this article from Google’s cache titled Conquering the Drawbacks of Democracy (they’ve since taken the article down from their site) — America could earn its own totalitarian wonder. Here’s an excerpt (the emphasis is mine):

Caesar pacified Gaul by mass slaughter; he then used his successful army to crush all political opposition at home and establish himself as permanent ruler of ancient Rome. This brilliant action not only ended the personal threat to Caesar, but ended the civil chaos that was threatening anarchy in ancient Rome – thus marking the start of the ancient Roman Empire that gave peace and prosperity to the known world.

If President Bush copied Julius Caesar by ordering his army to empty Iraq of Arabs and repopulate the country with Americans, he would achieve immediate results: popularity with his military; enrichment of America by converting an Arabian Iraq into an American Iraq (therefore turning it from a liability to an asset); and boost American prestiege while terrifying American enemies.

He could then follow Caesar’s example and use his newfound popularity with the military to wield military power to become the first permanent president of America, and end the civil chaos caused by the continually squabbling Congress and the out-of-control Supreme Court.

President Bush can fail in his duty to himself, his country, and his God, by becoming “ex-president” Bush or he can become “President-for-Life” Bush: the conqueror of Iraq, who brings sense to the Congress and sanity to the Supreme Court. Then who would be able to stop Bush from emulating Augustus Caesar and becoming ruler of the world? For only an America united under one ruler has the power to save humanity from the threat of a new Dark Age wrought by terrorists armed with nuclear weapons.

It’s a bit over-the-top, even for neocons. I had to look around the site to confirm that it wasn’t some kind of Daily Show or Onion-style parody. Apparently, it’s the real, non-ironic deal.

Anyhow, if Family Security Matters get their wish, may I suggest this as a design for their totalitarian monument?

“Bob’s Big Boy” statue