Kathy will be annoyed that I found this first:

Photo: Magazine parody -- 'Cosmoportestant'.
The three characteristics of WASP living are: constipation, keeping up appearances and mayonnaise, mayonnaise, mayonnaise!


“Don’t Put Your Pizzle in That Cha-Chizzle or You Might Get an Illegizzle!”

When public service announcements try too hard to be hip, this sort of train wreck is usually the result:

funny The Current Situation

To Get Ahead, You Have to Wear More than the Minimum 15 Pieces of Flair

Click the photo to see it at full size.


“Grover Demands Sacrifice!”

Every year, on the day after Thanksgiving, a few thousand people are sacrificed in Manhattan to appease the angry god Grover. Luckily for me, I was in Boston…


“Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.”

Found: a photo of some clever public washroom hand dryer graffiti…

Photo: Hand dryer symbol instructions annotated with 'Press button. Receive bacon, Enjoy bacon.'

Accordion, Instrument of the Gods funny


Gizmodo, the gadget weblog, points to Sidetalkin’, a web site devoted to how silly the Nokia N-Gage cellphone makes you look.

For some reason, the designers of the N-Gage decided to place the earpiece and mouthpiece in such a way that you have to talk into it via the skinny side, which has been dubbed “Sidetalking”. Here’s what it looks like:

Photo: Guy enjoying his Nokia N_Gage phone a little too much.

Okay, the facial expression makes it worse. But you get my drift.

Sidetalkin’ has put out a call for pictures of people “sidetalking”. An N-Gage phone isn’t necessary; the person in the photo can be sidetalking into anything, even a tape dispenser. The guy running the site says “I WOULD LIKE MORE PICTURES OF GIRLS”.

Here are my two submissions, and you’ve probably already guessed what I’d be sidetalking into…

funny It Happened to Me

The Best Christmas Present Ever

Crablouse in a Santa hat

Earlier today (December 24, 2002)

I was in a store on Queen Street West that specialized in the kind of funky clothing that appealed to club-goers and the snowboard/skateboard set, looking for cheap presents for my cousins. The manager saw me and asked “You don’t still have crabs, do ya?”

It took me a moment to realize what she was talking about.

“No, I don’t,” I replied, “that was my friend.”


I’m going to kill his ass, I thought.

Four years ago, a frantic phone call (December 1998)

nokia s110

The Nokia S110, my phone at the time.

Four years ago, I was at the same store, buying a sweater for my cousin. While standing in line waiting for my turn at the cashier, I got a phone call.

“Joey, I need your help!” said the voice on the other end. It was my friend — whom I’ll call “X” — and his voice was panicked.

“What happened?”


His voice was so loud that I had to hold the phone a couple of inches away from my ear.

“You got what?” I asked “Crispy Critters? Is that fried chicken? What the hell are you talking about?”

“CrispyCrittersJoey!” he repeated, still speaking a mile a minute. “IMean…” and then he slowed down to enunciate every word “I…HAVE…CRABS!

He said it loudly enough for everyone around to hear, at which point they all took a step away from me. The cashier — who today is the manager — grimaced at me.

“Hey, I don’t have crabs, my friend does,” I said to her.

Friend, huh?” she said incredulously.

X was still rattling a mile a minute on the phone.


He was phoning me from a pay phone near the Eaton Centre, not far from where I was. I arranged to meet him at the large fountain on the bottom floor, as it was near a Shoppers Drug Mart where we could buy the anti-crablouse goo.

I hung up and noticed that everyone — the people in line as well as the cashier — were giving me funny looks and keeping their distance. The cashier took my credit card the with the tips of her thumb and index finger, holding it as if I’d handed her a very full week-old diaper.

Damned X, I thought to myself. He gets the STD and I get the “unclean” treatment.


eaton centre fountain

The Eaton Centre fountain.

Minutes later, I was walking towards the Eaton Centre fountain. X ran towards me, ready to give me a hug when I stuck out my left arm, firmly placing my hand on his chest.

“Can we skip the hug while you’re still a travelling flea circus?”, I asked.

“Oh yeah,” he replied, a little sheepishly.

“I know that there’s some kind of cream for it, but I don’t know what it’s –”

“Slut-o-cillin.” (That’s not the real name of the cream; I just can’t remember what it was).

“You sound awfully familiar with the treatment.”

“Oh, I’ve had them before.”

“Of course.”



On the way to the drugstore, we passed by a store that had a sale on pants.

“Hey,” said X, “before we go to the drugstore, can I try these on?”

I threw him a look that said Have you completely lost your mind?

“Oh yeah.”

I hope you know that this will go down on your permanent credit record

credit cards

The pharmacist was young and easygoing, but concerned about me. “He might not be the only one who needs slut-o-cillin. If you’ve had sex with him recently…”

“Oh, he’s tried,” I said, “but no, I’m just buying it for him.”

“That’s a little…unusual. I mean, I thought that because you were buying it for him that you were…ummm…together.”

“Oh no,” X said. “Joey’s such a breeder. You know he says he’s never had a cock in his mouth? Not even once?

“Keep that up and there’ll be no cream for you, fleabag.” I muttered.

The pharmacist rang up the bill; the slut-o-cillin cost thirty dollars. I had a twenty in my wallet. “How would you like to pay, sir?” asked the pharmacist.

“Uh, is there a bank machine nearby?”

“All out of cash. I tried getting some on my break.”

“Let’s try Interac then.” I handed him my bank card and he swiped it in the debit machine. We failed to get a connection to the bank computer. With the Christmas rush, the lines were all tied up.

“Do you have a credit card, sir?” he asked.

“Yes, but I’m…uh…really trying to avoid putting this particular order on my credit record…aw, hell. Take it.”

I turned to X. “If this credit card purchase ever ends up haunting me, I’m going to fucking kill you.”

Merry Christmas, Itchy

Christmas tree with crablice ornaments

Before we parted ways and I headed home, X turned to me and spoke. “I know I’m a pain in the ass a lot of times, but I wanted to say thanks. I don’t know too many people who’d do this for me.”

“You’re welcome. Just try not to get into this kind of trouble all the time, willya?”

I reached into my wallet, pulled out the twenty and gave it to him.

“Use this to wash all your clothes and your sheets too. In hot water. Maybe not in your usual laundromat, ’cause you’re not going to win any popularity contests.”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you. This is the best Christmas present ever.” That little bit of gratitude made it all worthwhile. If he weren’t such an ant farm, I’d have given him a hug.

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Joyous Kwanzaa, and Rockin’ Festivus, everybody. May your holidays be safe and infestation-free!