Author: Joey deVilla

According to the Hipster Handbook’s Hipster test, I am only 53% hip. I might as well start wearing Sansabelt slacks now.

(Credit goes to Jane; I found the test through an entry in her blog.)

Here are the questions and my answers…

Question 1. The following describes your feelings about The Rapture.

1. I’m more into jam bands like The Disco Biscuits and Phish.

2. Their singles on DFA are deck.

3. I’m excited about ascending into heaven when Jesus returns.

4. What the heck is The Rapture?

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

I heard of them because I cruise Epitonic regularly. Go check them out; it’s part of a complete musical breakfast.

As for Phish, they’re like the Grateful Dead, as far as I’m concerned: not a band to be tossed aside lightly, but hurled away with great force. Preferably into a spiky wall.

Question 2. You use aerosol deodorant.

1. True

2. False

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

Aerosol deodorant, owing to the fact that it’s a compressed liquid, is incredibly cold. Why punish yourself like that?

Question 3. You think your hair looks best after it has been styled with a blow dryer.

1. True

2. False

Answered like a true Hipster!

Question 4. You drive an SUV.

1. True

2. False

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):2

Explanation: No explanation needed.

Joey comments:

Two comments:

1. It’s a Honda CR-V that was handed down to me by my parents. Doesn’t that count as “hip” — not buying a car, but recycling one?

2. Clearly this test is based on white and not Asian or black notions of hip. Remember folks, these are people who put mayonnaise on everything, so any concept of “hip” is suspect.

Question 5. You own a pet that requires cedar chips.

1. True

2. False

Answered like a true Hipster!

Question 6. You have an arts degree from a private college.

1. True

2. False

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):1

Explanation: Most Hipsters go to art school.

Joey comments:

This explains question 14.

Question 7. You would most likely use the following term to illustrate that something is cool:

1. Awesome

2. Bitchin

3. Deck

4. Cool Boots

5. Trippendicular

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

I like the sound of “deck”, although “trippendicular”, while silly, sounds like something I’d say.

Question 8. When sending an email, instant message, or letter you emphasize a point by using exclamation marks or smiley faces.

1. True

2. False

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

DECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

Question 9. Which of the following most closely describes your temperament in social situations:

1. Complacent

2. Ready to Kick Some Ass

3. Confident

4. Perky

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):1

Explanation: Confidence and firm handshakes are for people who work in sales. Hipsters prefer to be self-deprecating, paranoid, and complacent.

Joey comments:

I chose confident because there was no option for “shameless”.

Question 10. You own a scooter or are considering purchasing one.

1. True

2. False

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):1

Explanation: Scooters are to Hipsters what SUV’s are to mainstream America.

Joey comments:

I’ve been trying to get invited to a party thrown by the Screaming Mimis — a Toronto-based all-girl scooter club. Does that count?

Question 11. You are from Florida:

1. True

2. False

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

My housemate Paul, who went to university in Florida, has a lot of explaining to do.

Question 12. When going to see a live band, you do which of the following:

1. Dance or play air guitar

2. Stand in front of the stage with your arms crossed

3. I never go to see live music

4. Bum rush the mosh pit and start kicking some ass

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

No, answered like a true musician. I’m watching and listening very intently.

I have danced at Maceo Parker, Goldfinger and GWAR concerts.

Question 13. You would most likely subscribe to which magazine:

1. Harper’s

2. Redbook

3. Details

4. Maxim

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

Maxim’s also an entertaining read, but it’s pretty much the same thing after 3 issues. Details used to be a more interesting read in the late ’80’s and early ’90’s; it’s now just a poor copy of Maxim. Redbook has nice slow cooker recipes.

Question 14. You receive money from your parents in the mail or have a trust fund.

1. True

2. False

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):1

Explanation: Most Hipsters consider work to be an antiquated notion dear to an older generation. They prefer to live off their parents while they “freelance” and work on conceptual art in their studios.

Joey comments:

Ah, “trustafarians”.

Question 15. You have the most respect for which of the following:

1. Bono

2. John Ashcroft

3. Sarah Vowell

4. John Tesh

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):3

Explanation: Sarah Vowell rules. Hipsters like Sarah Silverman too.

Joey comments:

Sarah who? Oh, I see. We don’t get NPR up here in Canada.

Question 16. Which of the following would you definitely NOT say about emo:

1. It’s no coincidence the word emo kinda sounds like homo

2. I just love Tickle me Emo!

3. It’s refreshing because I am sick of irony

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):2

Explanation: Love it or hate it, Hipsters love to discuss the merit of emo.

Joey comments:

How many emo musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They’re content to cry in the dark.

Question 17. You are a vegan or vegetarian.

1. True

2. False

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):1

Explanation: Some Hipsters eat meat, but being a vegan or vegetarian definitely wins points on the Hipster scale. Note: joining PETA and other hippie causes can cause Hipster depreciation.

Joey comments:

Without meat, we wouldn’t have evolved into a more intelligent species. It doesn’t take much brains to sneak up on a carrot.

Question 18. You have been to Disneyland or Disneyworld without your parents.

1. True

2. False

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):2

Explanation: Hipsters prefer trips to Prague, France, or Seville. Theme parks and Sandals resorts are not popular with them.

Joey comments:

The only time I’ve been to Disneyland without my folks was in 2000 with the ultimate Disney amusement park fan, Cory Doctorow. He pointed out all the secrets of the place (for instance, in a line-up for any ride, take the left line. Studies have shown it moves 30% faster). He also walked around the place as if he were Walt himself, saying hello to all the castmembers (that’s what the staff are called) and reporting any malfunctions in the rides. He even knew the internal code names for each thing in each ride, so he could file these “bug reports” in Disneyspeak, which surprised the hell out of the castmembers.

As for other hipster vacation destinations: for New Year’s 2000, I stayed in a castle outside Prague. I demand extra hipster points!

Question 19. You went to see 8 Mile or Analyze That.

1. True

2. False

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

Well, I tried to see 8 Mile but the show was sold out.

Question 20. You have one the following hairdos; a faux-hawk, a fashion mullet, or a Betty Page style do.

1. True

2. False

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):1

Explanation: These are 3 very popular styles with Hipsters.

Question 21. You have read books by Martin Amis, Don Delillo, Dave Eggers, or Zadie Smith.

1. True

2. False

Answered like a true Hipster!

Question 22. When it comes to jewelry, you prefer gold to silver and platinum.

1. True

2. False

Answered like a true Hipster!

Question 23. You would most likely watch which of the following television shows:

1. Everybody Loves Raymond

2. Home Improvement

3. Curb Your Enthusiasm

4. The E! Channel’s Wild On!

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

I watch very little TV — something in the neighbourhood of three or four hours a week, and we don’t get HBO. I hear that Curb Your Enthusiasm is a pretty entertaining show, though.

Question 24. You prefer a home or apartment that has:

1. Hardwood floors

2. Vinyl siding

3. Wood paneling

4. Wall-to-wall carpeting

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

I have a home or apartment that has hardwood floors. Perhaps you’ve seen it on TV.

Question 25. You own at least one of the following: checkerboard Vans, a newsboy hat, a messenger bag, a John Deere style mesh cap, or a cigarette holder.

1. True

2. False

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

I have a messenger bag. On a bike, you can’t wear an accordion and a backpack at the same time.

Question 26. You like Noam Chomsky.

1. True

2. False

Answered like a true Hipster!

Joey comments:

Like, yes. Agree with all the time, no.

Question 27. In the past 6 months, you’ve begun to think mustaches are pretty cool, in a kitschy way.

1. True

2. False

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):1

Explanation: Looking like a 70’s porn star is a fashionable style for Hipsters these days.

Joey comments:

The most important porn star look that you should emulate is not on your face, but “below the equator”.

Question 28. Pick an appetizer from the sample menu below:

1. Poppers

2. Bruschetta

3. The Hungry Boy Fried Sampler

4. Wings

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):2

Explanation: Appetizers that can be ordered at TGI Friday’s are generally not the first choice for Hipsters.

Joey comments:

But wings are the most Atkins-friendly!

Question 29. You wear clothing made of polar fleece.

1. True

2. False

Your answer was not hip! Looking for answers(s):2

Explanation: Polar fleece is fin.

Joey comments:

True, but it’s warm. I have only two polar fleece items: identical Eddie Bauer fleeces, one dark grey, one black, given to me for two consecutive Christmases by my aunt. They’re good jacket liners, especially in this cold winter.

I do find the polar-fleece-and-Teva faux-white-suburban-camper look annoying.

Question 30. Elephant 6 is which of the following:

1. A hip fashion brand

2. A type of condom

3. A music collective

4. A children’s movie

5. Slang for venereal disease

Answered like a true Hipster!

Liz took photos of Chinese New Year’s party, and you can see the whole set here.

The photos are of:

• The inflatable sheep. Note that the manufacturers decided that it should appear as if it’s wearing lipstick. It’s those little niceties that make all the difference.
• My high school buddies Kevin and Henry and my unversity buddy Liz witness the power of Street Accordion Knowledge.
• Two shots of Will and Jen hamming it up for the camera.
• Harriet poses with the sheep.
• Jay looks too sober! Who are you and what have you done with the real Jay?
• Grown-up drink, meet grown-up couch. Harriet invokes the healing power of club soda.
• Rannie and Shayan shoot the breeze.

Once again, thanks for the photos, Liz! You’re always invited to any party I’m throwing.

On occasion I do like getting my fix of classic rock, but I think that for the next little while, they’re going to be playing Bowie’s Space Oddity (You know, “Ground control to Major Tom…”) over and over again.

If you’re not familiar with Anil Dash, be sure to check out his weblog. In addition to the blog entries, he’s a constant source of interesting links, which appear in the left-hand column of his page. Credit goes to Anil for pointing to a 1980 story written in a magazine called The Washington Monthly. Titled 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 … Goodbye, Columbia and given a teaser line “Beam me out of this Death Trap, Scotty!”, it starts off with an unflattering comparison of the shuttle to Howard Hughes’ Spruce Goose and from there sets out to prove that the shuttle is NASA’s answer to the Ford Pinto.

One of his main arguments is by making it reusable, the shuttle actually throws away one of the best safety aspects of the rockets it’s supposed to replace: space travel puts severe stresses on a vessel:

To truly grasp the challenge of building a space shuttle, think about its flight. The ship includes a 60-by-15-foot open space, narrow wings, and a large cabin where men must be provided that delicately slender range of temperatures and pressures they can endure. During ascent, the shuttle must withstand 3 Gs of stress — inertial drag equivalent to three times its own weight. While all five engines are screaming, there will be acoustic vibrations reaching 167 decibels, enough to kill an unprotected person. In orbit, the shuttle will drift through -250°F vacuum, what engineers call the “cold soak.” It’s cold enough to embrittle and shatter most materials. During reentry, the ship’s skin goes from cold soak to 2,700°F., hot enough to transform many metals into Silly Putty. Then the shuttle must glide along, under control, at speeds up to Mach 25, three times faster than any other piloted aircraft has ever flown. After reentry, it cascades through the air without power; finally thunking down onto the runway at 220 m.p.h. The like-sized DC-9 lands, with power, at 130 m.p.h. Rockets are throwaway contraptions in part so that no one piece ever has to endure such a wild variety of conditions. The shuttle’s design goal is to take this nightmare ride 100 times.

Like a lot of geeks, I find space and space travel fascinating and I’m old enough to remember watching some shuttle TV specials with rapt attention. One well-publicized problem back then — and one that’s resurfacing in the news — about the shuttle were the heat-resistant tiles. Even at only an inch thick, it could be thousands of degrees on one side of a tile, but cool to the touch on the other. The problem was that for all their ability to withstand high temperatures, they were fragile and NASA was having some problems getting them to stick to the shuttle.

Some suspect the tile mounting is the least of Columbia’s difficulties. “I don’t think anybody appreciates the depths of the problems,” Kapryan says. The tiles are the most important system NASA has ever designed as “safe life.” That means there is no back-up for them. If they fail, the shuttle burns on reentry. If enough fall off, the shuttle may become unstable during landing, and thus un-pilotable. The worry runs deep enough that NASA investigated installing a crane assembly in Columbia so the crew could inspect and repair damaged tiles in space. (Verdict: Can’t be done. You can hardly do it on the ground.)

The most chilling stuff the author saved for last: what happens when things go wrong. It’s eerie because he covers two scenarios that should give you a sense of deja vu. One is a possibility of a disaster at launch or shortly afterwards:

Suppose one of the solid-fueled boosters fails. The plan is, you die. Solid rockets can fail in two ways. They can explode; enough said. Or they can shut down spontaneously. If a booster shuts down, there will be 2.5 million pounds of thrust on one side battling zero pounds on the other. Even a split second of this imbalance will send the ship twisting into oblivion, overriding any application of pilot skill.

The other is a description of the landing cycle. The author doesn’t actually say what could go wrong, but he implies that there are lots of ways for things to go all pear-shaped. Landing the shuttle, as it’s becoming clear to the general public, is part technological miracle, part furious mathematical calculations, and part having serious cojones:

The shuttle starts rubbing air at Mach 25–25 times the speed of sound. At 250,000 feet, you have a little control with the reaction thrusters. By 80,000 feet, they’ve shut off, and you’re gliding. It’s silent in the ship. Just the air rushing by and the computers meeping to each other. Biting into the denser air, your elevators and speed brakes lend some control. You can still maneuver “cross range” — several hundred miles north or south relative to your approach from the west. But there are only 15 runways and lake beds in the world where you can land, so don’t get carried away.

Cross-range maneuvering is no longer possible by 50,000 feet. You’re locked in, wherever you’re going. Now you have company. Fighter planes — “chase planes” — have picked you up. They’re swarming all around you, snooping around the hull for damage. Eighteen miles from the runway, you finally slow to subsonic speed. Now you really have some options. At this low speed and altitude, you could punch out safely.

At 12,000 feet, the plummeting begins. Nose down at 24 degrees to the horizon, 30 degrees in some flights. Feels like a dive bomber. That DC-9, the one that makes your knuckles white on commercial flights, comes in at three degrees. Thirty seconds out, you can raise the nose back up. Now you have one and only one chance to lower the landing gear. No time to cycle them. If the gear don’t lock, that’s it. The chase planes are coming right down to the strip with you, following your every move like baby ducks. They snoop around the landing gear. Locked? If not, the chase pilots have a couple seconds to tell you to bail out.

Only a few more seconds. The ground isn’t coming up; some prankster from Hell is throwing it at you. Whack! Down at 220 m.p.h. Hope the rubber in those tires didn’t blow from that long cold soak. Crack! You bounce along, you roll to a stop.

Keep in mind that this is an extremely pessimistic article; I’m sure that someone could’ve easily written a similar piece about the Wright Brothers’ Flyer, the Spirit of St. Louis, or even the “safer, more depedendable rockets” that the author seems to say are a better choice than the shuttle. Still, it’s a pretty interesting read.

Other reading

An amazing slideshow of plans for space shuttles. A fascinating history of plans for all kinds of reusable spacecraft, complete with illustrations that would look at home in any 1960’s sci-fi paperback. Although it weighs in at a hefty 125 pages, it’s not as oppresive at you might think. There’s an interesting page on the pros and cons of shuttle economics.

It’s not a pleasant thing to have to think about, but… If you lived somewhere along the path of the shuttle’s approach and your property was damaged, NASA has a page that tells you how to file a claim.

Here’s the press kit for Columbia’s final mission, STS-107 [Note: Huge! It’s a 13 MB .PDF file].

Shuttle crewmember Colonel Ilan Ramon has been getting a lot of attention since he’s the first Israeli in space and because of the Current Situation. He was also part of a daring mission in which the Israeli bombed an Iraqi nuclear reactor that was under construction, probably saving Israel from becoming the world’s largest smoking hole in the ground. He was quite gracious in his CNN interview:

O’BRIEN: Let’s close with Colonel Ramon. I have an e-mail question for you, colonel. This comes from Great Britain. “Don’t you think it would have been a powerful evocation and image of humanity if you had flown with a Palestinian or an Arab crew member?” And he wishes good fortune to you. Have you thought much about that?

RAMON: Well, as you probably know, an Arab man already flew in the ’80s. So I am not the first one from there. And I feel like I represent, first of all, of course, the state of Israel and the Jews, but I represent also all our neighbors, and I hope it will contribute to the whole world, and especially to our Middle East neighbors.

(I’m aware that NASA is very PR-aware and that they screen all the questions, but I’m sure that the astronauts have better things to do than memorize answers for interviews.)

I’d like to turn your attention to another astronaut, Kalpana Chawla, who is a hero in her own way — I’ll let the New York Times tell the story:

In the early 1960’s, when Kalpana Chawla was born, the birth of a boy in this north Indian city prompted celebrations and congratulatory visits.

The birth of a girl was met and still is, often — with quiet disappointment.

Kalpana, the youngest of four children, and the third girl, seemed to sense that reality, her brother, Sanjay, said, and from early on was shaped by it.

“She was determined, “`I’m going to tell these guys I’m not just another girl,”‘ Sanjay Chawla said on Saturday. “She was going to be better than the boys.”

And indeed she was.

Well, that’s how you say the traditional Cantonese greeting (Kung Hey Fat Choy, which translates as “Wishing you prosperity”) with a “street” twist.

I’d like to thank everyone who came to the party on Saturday, which was a goat-tastic do. At peak, we probably had three dozen people in the house. Special mention goes to the following folks:

• Diana brought me a beatiful bottle of her homemade prickly pear liqueur. Tasty!
• Eldon left behind some Chinese New Year’s greeting paraphernalia and also provided the Osama bin Laden toy (the jeep with Osama being hauled away by two U.S. soldiers), which made quite a conversation piece.
• Ryan Murphy brought me a kick-ass mixed disk custom-made for the bash.
• Liz Phillips gave me an “Ubergeek” T-shirt! Thanks, Liz!
• Shayan Mashatiyan, a fellow GTABlogger, brought an amazing Persian dessert made by his mom and brought back from his last trip to Iran.
• Henry Dziarmaga, my friend from high school and university, whom I’ve haven’t seen in over ten years, dropped by!
• Local rock star Kat Goldman brought cake!
• Mira, whom you might remember from this blog entry dropped by and also brought some cute friends too (thanks, Mira!)
• And last, but certainly not the least, mad props to Robertson “Pimpmastah Strick” Strickler, who helped me fetch stuff for the party, provided the inflatable sheep and brought at least a half-dozen women to the party. He went above and beyond the call of dudehood.

We registered one red wine spill on one of the white couches (fixed with white wine and club soda — they’re ScotchGuarded, natch) and minor candle-related damage to the bar which I will someday have to explain to the landlord. Odd, considering it was one of the mellower parties we’ve had here at Big Trouble in Little China.

Work is now kicking into overdrive (thankfully!), so that’s all I can post for now. I’ll post some photos and stories from the party in the next blog entry.

Some of you have already noticed that I’m a little behind on getting that “Worst Date Ever” story out. I’ll crank that out soon, but work and general rent-money-making’s got to take priority.

Recommended free “Year of the Goat” stuff

Goateestyle.com has “Year of the Goat” desktop wallpaper.

(Today’s title borrows from the very funny blog Girls Are Pretty, which comes up with a new theme for every day.)

You too can feel that much closer to a rock star

The mysterious vinyl_demon informs me that an eBay auction selling “Rocks from Avril Lavigne’s home town Napanee” has just closed. The final price was US$1.50, which will probably be less than the cost of shipping.

My friends from Queen’s University, my alma mater, will recognize Napanee as “the sleepy little industrial town just west of Kingston, with the really large McDonald’s roadside stop.”

Because I’m all about pleasing my readers

A reader who wished to remain anonymous writes:

okay, accordion person, you’ve already run that photo of the japanese women with the breast scarves 3 times. i’m sure it’s all fine and dandy for the boys with the asian girl fetish, but what about the rest of us? can you balance the scales? can you? punk?

Why yes. Yes I can.

Okay, Playboy, want to buy this photo? Asian boy fetishists, enjoy! (Taken at the Hustler store in Los Angeles in January 2001.)

She’s doing security at my party on Saturday

The blog Inluminent, which covers matters of “small business, marketing, the Macintosh and other web based developments”, until recently used photos of scantily clad supermodels as a kind of way of increasing its readership (I have a friend to claim to read it “only for the articles”.) In response to some reader mail, the blog’s author has changed it so that the pictures can be turned on or off — the default is “off”.

I’ll admit to having used photos of cute people to spice up the ol’ weblog, but the big difference between the people in Inluminent and The Adventures of AccordionGuy in the 21st Century is that I know the people in the photos. That, and the photos are unretouched. Every single last one of my friends, boy or girl, is naturally a hottie.

My friend Mira, whom I haven’t seen in a while, RSVP’d for my upcoming party and sent me some photos of her at an open air shooting range, thinking that I’d be amused. I was, and asked her if I could post them on the blog. She said “Yes! But use only the good ones!”

Mira, they’re all good! I very much dig very cute girls with very big guns (and don’t we all?).

Doesn’t it look like she’s defending a huge crop of weed?

“It’s comin’ straight for us!”

Mira certainly knows how to take the boredom out of fishing.

This looks like a still from an ’80’s action flick, doesn’t it?

I would answer a LavaLife personal with this photo. In a second.

Thanks, Mira! See you Saturday!