Terribly inappropriate gifts for children

blue velvet play set

Mooooommmeeeee! Baby wants to click the photo to see it at full size!

The Blue Velvet play set (ages 3 and up!) is a joke and not an actual toy, but as someone who lived in a house where we had Blue Velvet movie night every month (it was during my time at Crazy Go Nuts University, and of course we served Pabst Blue Ribbon), a play set that lets you become Dennis Hopper’s character, Frank Booth, is horrifyingly amusing. Dangerous Minds points to the David Lynch Facebook fan page Lynchland, which reported that the amazingly inappropriate play set was seen at the Monsterpalooza fan convention.

Just thinking about Blue Velvet is making me crave a PBR right now (the video below may not be safe for work; there’s some swearing):

Want to get back at someone with children under 10? Give their kid the Recorder Fun! Frozen Songbook:

frozen songbook and recorder

It comes with a cheap recorder flute and the sheet music and fingering charts for the songs from the movie. If they thought it was annoying when the kids played the movie and soundtrack over and over again, wait until those songs as performed on a cheap, hastily-manufactured, wind instruments by overexcitied kids who aren’t worried about technique or even hitting the right notes. Vengeance can be yours at Amazon for a mere $9.28.

For extra mariachi-style torment, you can throw in the Frozen recorder flute, tambourine, and maracas set for an additional $8.49 at Amazon:

frozen recorder tambourine and maracas

Perhaps your enemy’s kids aren’t into Frozen, but Star Wars. Worry not, Disney toy licensing’s got you covered. You can torment them by giving those kids the Star Wars recorder set, which lets the lil’ rugrats commit atrocities upon John Williams’ score and your marks’ ears:

star wars for recorder

Another good present to give to bad parents is the Peekaboo Dance Pole, which British grocery/general merchandise chain Tesco originally put in their “Toys” department until people registered complaints about its inappropriateness for kids:

peekaboo dance pole

The pole came with all the “right” accessories: a CD of pole-dancing music, a garter, and even play money for the play audience to stuff info said garter. 

Tesco still sells the pole, but they’ve since moved it out of the toy section and put it with the exercise equipment. If you’d like one, Amazon has them for $64.99, and it comes with an instructional DVD, the garter, and 100 Peekaboo “dance dollars”.

Hmmm…Anitra’s birthday’s coming up…

dune coloring book 1

Click the photo to make the Spice flow at a larger size.

I opened with a fake toy for a David Lynch film, and I’ll close with a real children’s product for a David Lynch Film: Dune. They actually licensed a coloring book for kids, and it’s mind-blowing. I’ll show you a couple of samples; you can find more at Kitchen Overlord.

dune coloring book 2

Patrick Stewart, pre-Picard.

dune coloring book 3

Not unlike many HR departments.

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