I spent most of Sunday afternoon at the “Ray Jay” — Tampa’s Raymond James Stadium…
…but it wasn’t to watch a football game. Instead, I went to attend an event run by an industry that’s even more into shameless profiteering than the NFL. I went — of my own free will — to the Florida Signature Bridal Affair.
For most guys, an event of this sort would elicit this sort of response:
I decided to tag along with the Future Missus partly because marriage is a team sport, and partly out of a sense of morbid curiosity. Besides, this whole uprooting-from-Toronto-and-moving-to-Tampa thing has been a big exercise in getting out of my comfort zone; what’s an afternoon excursion compared to that?
I decided to make the most of my time in the Heart of Brideness and tweets my observations from the event. It made the time pass considerably more quickly, and I hope you find them amusing!
I’m at the Florida Signature Bridal Affair bridal show in Tampa, a gold mine for OH tweets.
— Joey deVilla (@AccordionGuy) July 13, 2014
OH @ bridal show: “if he thinks he’s going to Vegas with his buddies, he’s got another thing comin’.”
— Joey deVilla (@AccordionGuy) July 13, 2014
Damned autocorrect. The quote should be “if he thinks he’s going to Vegas with his buddies, he’s got another thing comin’.”
OH @ bridal show: “Those two weirdos are peas in a pod. They’re fuckin’ made for each other.”
— Joey deVilla (@AccordionGuy) July 13, 2014
My fellow grooms who went with their fiancées to the bridal show: I salute you. Courage.
— Joey deVilla (@AccordionGuy) July 13, 2014
In case we’re not clear… pic.twitter.com/wPuomtYa7w
— Joey deVilla (@AccordionGuy) July 13, 2014
Because it’s not a wedding without lube! #bridalshow pic.twitter.com/Bf85dT5DkU
— Joey deVilla (@AccordionGuy) July 13, 2014
The must-have item for this #bridalshow. pic.twitter.com/O6Ev7UgoXr
— Joey deVilla (@AccordionGuy) July 13, 2014
This isn’t what I expected when I heard “wedding vibe”. #bridalshow pic.twitter.com/3flsqrH83N
— Joey deVilla (@AccordionGuy) July 13, 2014
Da da da da da da da da wedding da da da da da da da afro… #bridalshow pic.twitter.com/xHf0v3twPy
— Joey deVilla (@AccordionGuy) July 13, 2014
In case you don’t get the reference above:
You know what this centerpiece says to me? Golf widow.
I don’t think this is a bridal Bluetooth earpiece. #bridalshow pic.twitter.com/Ys4QGhi8KP
— Joey deVilla (@AccordionGuy) July 13, 2014
Lots of women at this #bridalshow wearing sashes labelled BRIDE. That’s like me going to ComicCon with a sash labelled NERD.
— Joey deVilla (@AccordionGuy) July 13, 2014
Across the hall from the catering people are the folks from the bridal weight guilt industrial complex. #bridalshow pic.twitter.com/uHoDl0AzZb
— Joey deVilla (@AccordionGuy) July 13, 2014
Cheered up a bummed-out groom at the #bridalshow w/ a fist-bump & saying “Tonight we browse in HELL!!!”
— Joey deVilla (@AccordionGuy) July 13, 2014
I give Big Jim, wedding ukelele player, a thumbs-up. He’s my kind of people. #bridalshow pic.twitter.com/SPhq8Ia02r
— Joey deVilla (@AccordionGuy) July 13, 2014
The bar at this #bridalshow is making a killing; most of the guys have a beer in hand.
— Joey deVilla (@AccordionGuy) July 13, 2014
Guy on phone at #bridalshow: “Oh, man, what have I gotten myself into?”
— Joey deVilla (@AccordionGuy) July 13, 2014
That’s what I need: an iPhone 5C-themed wedding! #bridalshow pic.twitter.com/UoWL9lgFfy
— Joey deVilla (@AccordionGuy) July 13, 2014
For reference, here are the iPhone 5C colors:
OH: bride and bridesmaids trying to remember name of the song she wants for her first dance. It’s Van Morrison’s “Brown Eyed Girl”, ladies.
— Joey deVilla (@AccordionGuy) July 13, 2014
I’ve been married before, so I don’t need to wear white teeth, right? #bridalshow pic.twitter.com/c3O8TwRdZo
— Joey deVilla (@AccordionGuy) July 13, 2014
First draw winner at the #bridalshow is. “Amanda Ball”. Sounds like the prank calls that Bart made to Moe’s Tavern on The Simpsons.
— Joey deVilla (@AccordionGuy) July 13, 2014
The MC actually said “Where’s Amanda Ball? I need Amanda Ball, people!”
#bridalshow MC: “Grooms, you have just 2 jobs on the big day: show up, and honeymoon. And both involve sex.”
— Joey deVilla (@AccordionGuy) July 13, 2014
I wrapped up the event on a high note:
And now at the #bridalshow: the raffle for COUPLES WAXING! C’mon, lucky ticket- Daddy needs his peaches turned into nectarines!
— Joey deVilla (@AccordionGuy) July 13, 2014