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“Why Do the Terrorists Want to Hurt Me?”

Via the blog titled World O’ Crap, here’s something that hits such ridiculous heights that it’s quite hard to tell whether or not it’s the genuine thing or a skillful parody: it’s Why Do to Terrorists Want to Hurt Me? by Archibald Campbell. It’s a children’s book in Flash animation form that attempts to explain to America’s children, some of whom are too young to recall Setember 11, 2001, what’s at stake.

Here’s the title page. Yes, the terrorists are watching you say your prayers before bed:


The book opens with its narrator — a squeaky-voiced kid — running through a laundry list of things that make him happy. Things like videogames, NASCAR races, Yankees jackets and kittens. It’s reminiscent of the list recited between verses in America, Fuck Yeah! in the movie Team America: World Police.


But the terrorists? They’re not into any of that hooh-hah. Especially the kittens:


As Goebbels and anyone in public relations will tell you, repetition is important if you want to get your message across:


According to the book, we’re under constant surveillance by terrorists in bad hiding places wearing even worse disguises:


You can’t even do your grocery shopping without being followed by some terrorist spook:


And your classmate “Akmad” may be leading the class in math, but he’s also leading the terrorist’s advance scout operations…


Ah, finally, the good part — how do I keep safe from the terrorists?


One thing you can do is report all suspicious, smelly, brown-skinned people who have been rolling in their own filth:


Remember, kids, paranoia begins at home!


And be sure to reinforce that paranoia through a steady feed of broadcast and cable news:


And finally, the most important thing you can do to keep safe is…


Upcoming Archibald Campbell Pieces

These haven’t been finished yet, but I’m waiting with bated breath for the day they get reelased!

Cover of “The Bible Says Boys Wear Pants, Girls Wear Dresses”

Here’s the blurb for The Bible Says “Boys Wear Pants, Girls Wear Dresses”:

“The Bible Says…” series educates our youth about the Christian Fundamentals of our great country. In the first book we are taught that God has created boys and girls to be different from one another and to follow their ordained roles in life. Your children will learn that being a part of this great land requires certain convictions in the way we dress, act and worship, and that God has a wonderful plan for children who wish to be good little boys and girls.

Cover of “Border Out of Order”

Here’s the blurb for Border Out of Order:

Johnny Freedom has a problem; whenever he goes to the ice cream shop, or passes by the basketball court or even when he is sitting in class, the people around him sound strange and don’t make sense! When Johnny goes to the doctor to have his ears checked, he finds out that, his ears aren’t “out of order,” it’s the border. This book shows how foreign languages and illegal aliens are working to undermine the security and the values of our country. Your children will learn about the broken borders and the invasion we natural citizen’s face everyday. Your children will also learn about our Minutemen Heroes and how they are working to protect our freedom.

Earnest wingnut kids’ books or parody? It’s really hard to tell.

11 replies on ““Why Do the Terrorists Want to Hurt Me?””

Meh, obvious parody,, and clever one at that. (Notice the weapon held by “our leaders”,, also, see how terrified the boy looks when watching the news, rather than comforted that he is doing something to protect himself?. This is, after all, exactly where we are heading.. exactly the message that is delivered to young ones all the time.

It looks very much what deep progressives think right wing people think like.

It’s funny that people think other (assumably simple-minded) people are afraid of terrorists and thus are scared into blinded following our leaders. I doubt there’s anyone in Alabama worried that Al Queda is going to blow up his bait shack, or if he is, he’s worried that he won’t be around at the time when it happens.

In contrast, my 6 year daughter is not two weeks in school and already is worried about plastic bottles using up all our water and poisoning her (known deaths to date: 0) or read this 14-year old’s worries about how the world is going to be a “dark place” because of Global Warming. Funny to note she has an escape plan: get the hell out of Canada and move to the US.

It’s so clearly a joke, that you’re inability to recognize it as such worries me. Maybe you need to get out a little. You know, experience the world.

Hey Joey,

I very much wanted to believe this is a parody and I did do some googling, but the first time I did not turn up any leads.

When a skeptic at my gaming community pointed out the previous books exist nowhere, I realized maybe I had been had.

This time I went to the Youtube page, where there was reference to a Flash designer in Richmond Virginia who did the work.

“In December of 2006, Archibald had a meeting with the Richmond VA based web designer, Deven James Langston and Archibaldcampbell.com was born.”

So, I googled Deven James Langston and turned up his site.

Based on his most ambitious piece called War Machine I conclude that Deven is very talented, very clever, and most likely fairly liberal.

I’m pretty now sure the motivation for this is publicity for Deven’s animation skills, using the Stephen Colbert method. The kid will go far.

The bible does NOT say that men wear pants and women wears dresses! Why do you distort the truth?

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