These quotes won’t be word-perfect, but they’re as close as I can get them.
David Letterman, recalling the birth of his son Harry last year, during which he was “a complete basket case”:
You know, I’m not a young guy. [Letterman’s in his late fifties.] I did some soul-searching and thought: “I’ll leave the country!”
Ed Helms on The Daily Show:
John, if you want to have gay sex or visit a library, tonight might be your last night to do it. Personally, I’m going to kill two birds with one stone.