Supply Side Jesus, Extra Crispy Jesus and my favourite, "Crouching Jesus, Hidden Messiah" [UPDATED]

Oops. I got the link to Kung Fu Christ wrong. It’s fixed now.

In BoingBoing, Cory pointed out Al Franken and Don Simpson’s The Gospel of Supply Side Jesus, featuring who bears a suspicious resemblance to the funhouse-mirror Jesus worshipped by large chunks of the Canadian Alliance Party. He’s an Ayn Rand-flavoured Jesus; a Jesus who was only kidding about kindess to the poor, dirty foreigners, the diseased and scoiety’s outcasts, a Jesus who’d never hang out with prostitutes and longshoremen.

There’s the theory that went around the Web a little while back — that Jesus healed using cannabis. Hey, He could turn water into Jagermeister, so why not hummus into hoolies?

But here’s one that combines Jesus with martial arts, pointed out to me by Lisp dude and roboticist (really!) John “Lemonodor” WisemanKung Fu Christ! Here’s an excerpt from the famous “any one of you chumps who’s never done anything bad before, feel free to chuck a rock” scene:

A crowd of unruly journalists, lawyers, and businessmen was pummeling a woman. Jesus leapt between the woman and her attackers, applying a quick series of hand immobilizations to defend her. The mob fell back, and the chairman of the chamber of commerce stepped forward to address him. “This woman is an adulteress. The law says we’re supposed to pound her to death with rocks.” Jesus stooped to the ground and began tracing a figure in the sand, sketching the arm and leg positions for a basic defensive stance. “Hey,” said the chairman, “what’s the hold up?” Jesus stood up. “Look,” he said, “if there’s one of you who has never sinned, let him begin the stoning.” “I’ve never sinned,” said a well-muscled scribe, picking up a rock and adding in a low voice, “and I’m a better fighter than you, too.” “You’re lying on both counts,” Jesus said as the challenger stepped forward. Jesus knocked the rock from his hand with a crescent kick.

Jesus’ kung-fu is the best, you know.

One reply on “Supply Side Jesus, Extra Crispy Jesus and my favourite, "Crouching Jesus, Hidden Messiah" [UPDATED]”

Leave a Reply