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"Being a mom cheese"

This is a list that appears in For the Love of Cheese: A Celebration of All Things Cheesy, a book published by the editors of Might magazine, many of whose writers and editors became Timothy McSweeney’s publishing cabal.

Keep in mind that my life revolves around cheesiness!

  • Asking if you have enough money to eat
  • Gardening tools
  • Gardening gloves
  • Seasoned olive oil
  • Wishing you luck before finals (Bonus: You’re in Law School!)
  • Wishing you luck before you finalize a multimillion-dollar business venture (Mom, before a dog-and-pony show I did for our first investors with Cory, back in the OpenCola days: “Joey, you could be the next Bill Gates!” “I’ll take that as a compliment, Mom.”)
  • Brooches
  • Foreign exchange students
  • Swearing (Not my mom. If I were given a choice between swearing in front of Mom and getting shot, I’d answer “Um, it depends. Where would you shoot me, and are we talking direct hit or just a grazing wound?”)
  • Wearing jeans
  • Riding bikes (Bonus: Getting Dad to ride tandem)
  • Trying to get Dad to take her out on the town. (Joey’s bonus: Opera, where Dad dozes off by the thrid aria!)
  • The Mom Cut (here it is, as demonstrated by my friend Liz)
  • Talking about herself in a sexual way
  • Saying “Oh, lighten up”
  • Saying “You used to be so cute”
  • Saying “You’ve got something on your seat“, referring to your butt
  • Putting on lipstick for church
  • Wearing fur
  • Clipping articles and sending them to you, F.Y.I. (Joey’s bonus: Doing it via email!)

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