The Adventures of Accordion Guy in the 21st Century

The results are in from TripAdvisor’s users, and it turns out that Accordion Bay’s got the number one beach in the U.S.: Clearwater Beach! They cited its 2.5 miles (about 4 kilometres) of “powder sand and calm, shallow water”. It may be a bit of a bummer if you’re looking for surfing action, but if you want to swim, waterski, boogie board, kayak, or parasail, it’s pretty nice.

Clearwater Beach wasn’t the only Accordion Bay beach to score well on this year’s TripAdvisor rankings. The beach pictured below came up in the number 4 slot, just ahead of a couple of Hawaiian beaches:

That’s right, St. Pete Beach, where Anitra and I got married last year, made it into the top ten. Here are the top 25 beaches in the U.S., according to TripAdvisor. I’ve boldfaced all the ones in Florida and italicized all the ones to which I can drive in three hours:

1. Clearwater Beach – Clearwater, Florida
2. Lanikai Beach – Kailua, Oahu, Hawaii
3. Siesta Beach – Siesta Key, Florida
4. St. Pete Beach – St. Pete Beach, Florida
5. Wai’anapanapa State Park – Hana, Maui, Hawaii
6. Ka’anapali Beach – Lahaina, Maui, Hawaii
7. Pensacola Beach – Pensacola Beach, Florida
8. La Jolla Shores – La Jolla, California
9. St. Augustine Beach – St. Augustine Beach, Florida
10. Panama City Beach – Panama City Beach, Florida
11. Henderson Beach State Park – Destin, Florida
12. Hanauma Bay Nature Preserve – Honolulu, Hawaii
13. Poipu Beach Park  – Poipu, Hawaii
14. Manini’owali Beach (Kua Bay) – Kailua-Kona, Hawaii
15. Ogunquit Beach  – Ogunquit, Maine
16. Newport Beach  – Newport Beach, California
17. Coronado Municipal Beach  – Coronado, California
18. Fort Myers Beach – Fort Myers Beach, Florida
19. Race Point Beach – Provincetown, Massachusetts
20. Las Olas Beach – Fort Lauderdale, Florida
21. Carlsbad State Beach – Carlsbad, California
22. Crystal Cove State Park – Laguna Beach, California
23. Navarre Beach – Navarre, Florida
24. Hanalei Beach – Hanalei, Hawaii
25. Ocean City Beach – Ocean City, Maryland

And for completeness’ sake, here are TripAdvisor’s top 25 beaches in the world. Clearwater Beach made the cut:

1.  Grace Bay – Providenciales, Turks and Caicos
2. Baia do Sancho – Fernando de Noronha, Brazil
3. Playa Paraiso – Cayo Largo, Cuba
4. Anse Lazio – Praslin Island, Seychelles
5. Cayo de Agua – Los Roques National Park, Venezuela
6. Flamenco Beach – Culebra, Puerto Rico
7. Playa de Ses Illetes – Formentera, Spain
8. Ngapali Beach – Ngapali, Myanmar
9. West Bay Beach – Bay Islands, Honduras
10. Nacpan Beach – El Nido, Philippines
11. Maho Beach – Cruz Bay, St. John
12. Whitehaven Beach – Whitsunday Island, Whitsunday Islands
13. Sharm El Luli – Marsa Alam, Egypt
14. Elafonissi Beach – Elafonissi, Greece
15. Playa Manuel Antonio – Manuel Antonio National Park, Costa Rica
16. The Baths – Virgin Gorda, British Virgin Islands
17. Camp’s Bay Beach – Camps Bay, South Africa
18. Praia da Marinha – Carvoeiro, Portugal
19. Kata Noi Beach – Karon, Thailand
20. Clearwater Beach – Clearwater, Florida
21. Playa Paraiso – Tulum, Mexico
22. Agonda Beach – Agonda, India
23. Horseshoe Bay Beach – Southampton Parish, Bermuda
24. Tumon Beach – Tumon, Mariana Islands
25. Praia de Santa Maria – Santa Maria, Cape Verde

The “I hate being sexy but I place the accordion so I can’t help it” T-shirt is simply the best and most truthful T-shirt ever. It’s yours for US$22.99 at I Love Apparel.

There’s only one person in this photo who actually has money.

Based on a photo I found via David Ellul; I made one with better typography.

Most “Florida Man” stories don’t feature someone with this much ambition: 18-year-old Malachi Love-Robinson of Palm Beach, Florida was arrested for practicing medicine without a license — convincingly enough to somehow hang his shingle in a medical office building and see patients. I assembled the video below from a number of reports filed by the news crew at KTLA 5, a local news show:

His Facebook page doesn’t exist anymore, but here’s a screen capture. As you can see, Love-Robinson went by “Dr. Love” on the page, which would be my runner-up choice if I had to use a fake doctor name. “Dr. Feelgood” is still my first choice:

While Love-Robinson should face the consequences for his actions, I think that simply locking him away would be a waste of some serious potential. It’s a rare 18-year-old who not only has the ambition to become a fake doctor (in both the sense of not having credentials and training, and also because I think naturopathy isn’t backed by any real science) but the skill and wit to somehow secure an office and start a practice. This isn’t a case of some hick sport-humping a manatee or a goofball thinking that throwing an alligator through a drive-through window would be a funny prank, but someone who exemplifies the sort of unorthodox thinking that leads to success that I talked about in my Ignite presentation on Florida Man. What he needs some kind of mentor to take that chutzpah and wherewithal and point them in a more productive direction.

Click the photo to see it at full size.

You’re right, miss: that’s two families.

I don’t know where these two people live, but they’re at an anti gay marriage gathering in Italy (and the wrong side of history), whose past anti-miscegenation laws are unfamiliar to me. I am familiar with the U.S.’ laws, and a mere 50 years ago, it would’ve been illegal for them to marry. And even though the case of Loving v. Virginia struck down anti-miscegenation laws across the country in 1967, it took until 2000 for a certain very benighted backwater — I’m lookin’ at you, Alabama — to make black/white marriage legal. Even today, there are still some abhorrent people who’d find their pairing abhorrent.

…and they’re 106 light years from Risa.

Thanks to Peach Flambee for the find!