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Ass Pirates of Silicon Valley

It had to happen: someone’s written Bill Gates/Steve Jobs slash fiction.

(Don’t know what slash fiction is? Here’s a good definition, plus some background.)

In the real world, Jobs needs Bill’s software put in his hardware. In these stories, Bill needs Steve’s hardware put into his software. If you know what I mean. Huh-huh-huh.

Here’s an excerpt:

“(Jobs) nuzzles my neck, bites my earlobe,” Slade writes. “I watch him go to his desk and rummage in one of the top drawers. When he comes back, he’s holding a bottle of hand lotion…. He hooks his hand on the waistband of my chinos and briefs, sliding them both down at once…. He runs his hand up my back and leans down to whisper, ‘Bill, are you a virgin?'”

“Yes.” Sort of.

“I’ll be gentle.”

If you can bear with the mental image of Bill Gates on all fours, grunting with pleasure like a hog at the trough whilst getting jazzed up the gunga, go ahead and read away. Don’t blame me for any nightmares you might have as a result.

(My finding out about this is all Martin “Coderman” Peck’s fault.)

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Social calendar

Global Pop Conspiracy Social #3

It’s Thursday again, which means that it’s time for another Global Pop Conspiracy Social. If you like your pop music all over the road, from Helmet to Hall and Oates and everything in between, you’ll like this evening. Tonight’s guest “audio selector” is Greg Davis from Soundscapes, Toronto’s answer to Championship Vinyl (the record store in Nick Hornby’s book-turned-movie, High Fidelity) and the video wall will be showing clips seelcted by Moment Factory.

I will be there with accordion, of course.

Once again, it’s at the Rotors Club — 593a Bloor Street West (upstairs), just west of Bathurst. The doors open at 9, and the cover is a mere $5.00. Yup, it’s a 19+ event.

Smokin’ Joe rides again

Tomorrow night marks the start of comedy troupe Slap and Tickle’s (the people with whom I performed last week) run at their new location, the Poor Alex Theatre. In addition to Slap and Tickle, other comedians will be performing and musical interludes will be provided by — as the poster below says — Smokin’ Joe deVilla…

The name “Smokin’ Joe” strikes me as more appropriate for an aging black blues guitarist, but the Slap and Tickle folks seem to like the sound of it.

I’m sure there’ll be some kind of after-party at one of the nearby pubs — the Green Room, the Future Bakery Patio or the-bar-behind-Future-whose-name-escapes-me. I’m sure there’ll be some post-show silliness no matter what, so if you want to have some laughs and accordion-and-beer-fueled mayhem, this might just be the place for you!

The Poor Alex Theatre is at 298 Brunswick Avenue, just south of Bloor (Brunswick is just east of Bathurst). Doors open at 8:30.

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Wonder Twin powers, activate!

I’m a too little busy to write up something right now, but I thought I’d at least point you to today’s Penny Arcade comic, which is the funniest one in a very long time:

So wrong it’s right.

May I also suggest Seanbaby’s high-larious writeup of the Wonder Twins (as well as the rest of the Super Friends), or the story about the upcoming Wonder Twins movie? (It seems they’re thinking of Christina Ricci as ‘Jayna’ and the guy who plays ‘Xander’ on Buffy The Vampire Slayer as ‘Zan’.)

I think an ironic film about the perennial wanna-bes, Wendy, Marvin and Wonder Dog would make a better movie.

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What’s my age again?

I’m 34, I look as if I’m in my late 20’s, and according to this test, my mental age is…

20

I act like I’m 20.
This test was brought to you by Mel – mostly…. Take it here.

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Photo of the week

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A mess of Happiest Geek entries

Just in case you’ve forgotten that tech stuff goes in the other blog

Here they are, from earliest to latest:

The next “considered harmful”

Hittin’ the books

Fatherly advice

Back in Black

Succinctness considered harmful

Ghetto stylee

PalmOS demo programming contest

Let’s drop a bomb on the MPAA

Hump day news

“Considered harmful” considered harmful

Thursday news roundup

The secret shame of TEH LUN1X

Ted rants, Quinn responds, I sound wise

In praise of ghetto languages

Are my notes the best, or what?

And today’s entry…

Monday news: Microsoft introduces the F# programming language, DevX talks reductionism, PostgreSQL on Mac OS X and Python.

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Pixies memories

It’s early December 1992almost ten years ago! — and I’m in my girlfriend’s residence (to my American friends, a “residence” is what you call a “dorm”) room. We’re both studying for our fall term finals. I’m hanging out at her place — partially because it’s still very early in the relationship and we can’t get enough of each other, and partially because my other two housemates are exes, and one of them might’ve brought a boy home. I’m up for some boy-girl drama tonight, but not the kind that might be taking place at my flat.

This building — Waldron Tower, a.k.a. “Wally World” — was built in the 1970’s, so it’s a combination of ugly and unergonomic. The hallway layout doesn’t make any sense and the rooms are tiny. The only advantages they have over the other, larger residences room on campus is that this building’s rooms have lots of electrical outlets and their own sinks. A large Marc Chagall poster (her favourite artist at the time) and a few souvenirs of her trip to Europe that summer (her first trip overseas) cover the wall above her bed. The room is covered with Post-It Notes with Cyrillic writing on them; labelling objects is her way of building her vocabulary for her Russian class. In the corner of the room is her ghetto blaster, which is tuned to the only decent radio station in town, the university-run CFRC. Rob Bolton, who now is one of the people behind Global Pop Conspiracy, is on the air.

I’m lying on the bed, furiously writing down key information for my computer networks bring-any-handwritten-notes final (I still have those notes; you can see them here). She’s at her desk, cramming for her Russian exam. After putting the finishing touches on my notes on the 7 layers of the OSI network model, I pick up the phone and call the radio station to make a request. “It’s for me and a fray-end“, I say, using the then-current country-twang slang term for person with whom you’re going out, but not quite ready to label as ‘girlfriend’. Truth be told, I was ready to use the term almost from the get-go; I just didn’t want to scare her off. Rob, hipster DJ that he is (even in spite of adopting the now regrettable sobriquet “DJ Rave”), understands.

I suggest that she find out how to write “stud muffin” in Russian on a Post-It Note and affix it to me. I get a smack on the back of the head, followed closely by a peck on the cheek. She scribbles “XOXOXO” in the margins of one of my pristine notes. Normally, this is a capital crime in my books, but coming from her, it doesn’t bother me a bit. Days later, I’ll see this little note from her while writing my exam and smile; the combination of my good note-taking, studying and the boost from her scribbling will net me an “A”.

The song that’s playing on the radio comes to an end and Rob comes on.

“This is for Clark Hall Pub’s DJ Joey…and his fray-end,” he says, and Gouge Away comes on. I reach over for the ghetto blaster and turn up the volume a little.

This gets me another kiss, and I think to myself: it’s good to be the king.


Mena “Movable Type” Trott has a whole mess of memories associated with the Pixies’ album Doolittle (on which the track Gouge Away appears). Check it out.