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Thanks, Joe!

Photo: The sign outside Smokeless Joe

I’d just like to put in a good word for “Smokeless” Joe Sacco, owner of the fine oyster and beer bar known Smokeless Joe (125 John Street, just a little bit south of Chapters and the big downtown Paramount Theatre, phone 416-591-2221). When I was feeling like crap a couple of Fridays ago, he gave me a couple of free pints of stout. Joe, you’re a prince.

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Upcoming Toronto events

Some events taking place in Accordion City this weekend that aren’t widely advertised. Here are some of the more offbeat ones that got my attention.

Thursday, August 22

Pan con Queso at the Lava Lounge (507 College Street West). A Latin band worth checking out.

Friday, August 23

Rooftop party. Someone named Carol — a friend of my friends at the Promise party crew — is organizing this one. It’s on the rooftop of the Queen Street West clothing store called XOXO, near the corner of Queen and Soho, which is acroos the street from the Black Bull tavern (the one with the large patio across the street from the parking lot beside the BamBoo club). I don’t know who’ll be DJing this one, but I’ve been to an earlier rooftop party at this venue and the DJs were fantastic. You’ll also be treated to an amazing view of the city. The party starts at 11:00 p.m. and runs until the wee hours; you enter the party by going down the alleyway beside XOXO and up the fire escape (I love parties where you have to enter via the fire escape).

Sunday, August 25

Cherry Beach Sound System. The nice folks at promise are hosting yet another free dance party at Cherry Beach this Sunday, from 2 p.m. until 10 p.m.. They’ve been holding these all summer, and they’ve been a lot of fun.

This week’s featured DJ is Blissom, a.k.a. Steph Lefrancois, who’s come to Toronto for the week from France. A veteran DJ from a number of Promise parties over the past couple of years, he makes percussive jazzy breakbeat-ish house music for Spot Recordings. His DJ sets cover a lot of musical territory, from african rhythms to jazz to latin to house to techno. This is expected to be his final performance in Toronto for a good long while.

Getting there by car:

Go east on Lakeshore Boulevard until you’re just past Parliament Street. Turn south down Cherry Street all the way to the parking lot at the end. The beach is west of the parking lot; just follow the music.

Getting there by bike:

Just follow the Martin Goodman bike trail east of downtown until you hit Cherry Street and turn south. Follow Cherry Street to the parking lot at the end, then turn west and follow the music.

Other stuff:

  • Bring lunch, kites, frisbees, beach balls, your friends, dogs and — if you have them — accordions.
  • Please don’t bring more than you plan to take back out with you – leave no trace.
  • It gets chilly later in the evening down by the lake. Bring something warm that you can throw on if you’re staying late.
  • This is just a beach, not a dance club — bring sunscreen, bug spray if you’re staying into the evening and if you want something to sit on, you’ll have to bring it.
  • This is a word-of-mouth event. If you know someone who will like this type of free outdoor event, please let them know.

The bad weather backup plan: If the sky’s looking grey that day, call the emergency update line at (416) 323-0361.

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Appropriate Leadbelly lyrics

In response to the story about the Houston mass arrest incident, Cory Doctorow wrote in with these lyrics from Leadbelly’s Midnight Special:

If you ever go to Houston

You better walk right

You’d better not stagger

And you’d better not fight

‘Cause Sherriff Benson will arrest you

And carry you on down

And if the jury finds you guilty

You’re penitentiary bound.

Thanks, Cory!

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A couple of cop stories

Houston, Sunday

According to this story, at 12:30 a.m. this past Sunday, Houston cops descended on a parking lot and arrested almost 300 youths, charging them with criminal trespassing. Of note are the facts that it was a parking lot for a K-Mart that is open 24 hours a day and that the lot adjoins Sonic, a drive-through restaurant that was also open at the time.

The people arrested say that they were simply shopping at K-Mart (they even showed the officers receipts for their purchases) or eating at the restaurant. They even arrested a 10-year-old girl who was having dinner with her father at Sonic and took her to juvenile detention. Many of the arrested pleaded guilty to the charges because they didn’t have the money to post bail and didn’t want to spend another night in jail.

As for the cops, this follow-up report says that the raid — which was supposed to be about stopping drag racing — “went to Hell in a handbasket”. One supervisor remarked that “There are all those kids now, who have a criminal record, and don’t deserve it.”

A friend of mine down in Texas informs me that he’s not surprised. He says the Houston police “are notoriously stupid and corrupt” (apparently their prosecutors are slime, too.) They’ve been known to do things like bust everyone on Westheimer (a popular street in Houston) with no probable cause. He also told me of one particularly shocking incident where drunk off-duty officers out of uniform and in an unmarked car tried to pull someone over — the situation devolved into a gunfight, killing the woman they pulled over.

The captain in charge of the raid, Mark Aguirre, has often broken from the Houston Police Department’s policy many times in his 20 years of service. Perhaps this is the incident that will get him tranferred permanently to meter maid duty or just drummed out of the force.

I’ll bet that MP3s of the old Body Count song, Cop Killer, are making the rounds in Houston right now.

Toronto, 1991

Corner of Yonge and Dundas, circa 1991.

For the most part, my own personal experiences with police have been good. When I was going to Queen’s University in Kingston, Ontario, some “townie” broke into our house and made off with our ghetto blasters. By the time we’d called the police, they’d already hauled the little punkass off to jail and recovered our stereos. More recently, when someone stole my Honda CR-V two years ago, the Toronto police found it in less than 48 hours. The perp smashed the window to get into the car and left it parked outside his house with the window still broken.

There’s only one bad encounter I’ve had with any Toronto cop, and as luck would have it, it’s an amusing story.

It was the summer of 1991, and I had a job working for Mr. G.’s auction house. I hated working for Mr. G., but I needed the money to pay for school for the fall. I’d been kicked out of Queen’s engineering school the previous September (appallingly bad grades), but on the strength of my computer science marks (which were always good, even when I was operating at maximum slack) I had negotiated my way back into the school under double-secret probation.

I told my folks — who’d paid for my first go-round at higher education — that I would cover my tuition from that point on. A co-worker at my Monday-to-Friday job told me that I could make extra cash at Mr. G.’s operation, and three weeks into the job, I had grown to despise it.

Mr. G. ran a scam that only looked like an auction. He had a warehouse full of overstock bought from suppliers and retailers at a serious discount; most of it were cheap low-quality items such as off-brand walkmen, shoddily-made luggage, ugly ceramic lamps and “Swiss Army” (more like Taiwanese Navy) knives that fell apart after about three week’s use. He’d hold an item up for bidding and wait until the bid price was high enough to allow him to make a profit; the item would often go at a 400 to 600 percent markup. The highest bidder would get the item, but then he’d say “I have a few more of these items at the same price…who else wants one?” It wasn’t an auction; it was a discount store with bidding. He even planted shills in the audience to force the bid price higher.

Mr. G. was also a bigot. He paid me more than my co-worker T. because T. “was a gook who couldn’t speak English.” Mr. G. was one of those people who said “ever since we came to this country, we’ve had nothing but trouble from the immigrants.”

“He’s Laotian, not Vietnamese, Mr. G.” I said, “so technically, gook isn’t the right term. Maybe slope is the slur you’re looking for.”

“Ha, ha, very funny,” he said. “For a goy, you’re almost all right. Now get back to work.”

When we got paid, I gave T. a cut of money so that we were paid evenly. T. and I did the same work and while I could’ve always asked my folks for money, T. was here on his own with a family to support.

At that time, Toronto still had Sunday closing laws; it was actually illegal for most stores to be open on a Sunday. You were exempt from this law if you closed up shop on Saturday, but Mr. G. ran 7 days a week. On one particular Sunday, a cop strolled into the store while I was watching the front door.

The cop looked at me with a grin and said “Hey, Hop Sing! I need to have a word with you.”

Hop Sing from Bonanza was played by US-born Victor Sen Yung.

(For those of you who are a little behind on your Pop Culture Studies, Hop Sing was the Chinese cook for the Cartwrights on the TV series Bonanza.)

My first instinct was to counter by calling him Barney Fife (the sheriff’s deputy on The Andy Griffith Show, played by Don Knotts). I bit my lip, because the last thing I wanted to do was get a cop riled up, especially when I was working for a fraudulent operation that was open illegally. The TV references must’ve triggered the television plot memory centre in my brain, because I suddenly remembered a plot from All in the Family where Archie was riled that a Polish immigrant couldn’t be arrested because he couldn’t understand the Miranda rights being read to him.

I did what seemed like a good idea at the time: I used my best fake Oriental accent..

“We’come to Mistah G. auction! You rike buy some-a-thing?” I said, doing my best Long Duck Dong from Sixteen Candles.

“Hop Sing,” said the police officer, slowing down and pronouncing…each…word…very…slowly… “I need to speak to boss man. He is breaking the law by opening on Sunday. Sunday bad. You savvy?” If I ever find this guy’s address, I’m leaving a flaming bag of horse manure on his doorstep on Hitler’s birthday.

“Yessah! I get Mistah G. right away!”

I went over to Mr. G. and told him about the cop. He had a five-minute conversation with the cop and got off without being charged. I still don’t know what he said.

As the cop was about to leave the store, he turned to me and said “Thanks, Hop Sing!” with a laugh.

I replied using my regular, white bread North American accent. “Hey, officer!”

He turned around, surprised.

“Any time you want, just drop by and I’ll make sure you get a nice discount. And by the way, the name’s Joey.”

He frowned, shooked his head, and stormed out.

Don’t mess with us Filipinos, we know many ways to cook a pig.

I popped my cassette recording of Body Count’s then-new album into my walkman and fast-forwarded to Cop Killer.

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Kick Ass Karaoke, available-light photography style

Here are the photos from last Wednesday’s Kick Ass Karaoke…with a twist.

I decided to experiment with what photo junkies refer to as available-light photography at last week’s Kick Ass Karaoke. I took these photos of the Karaoke regulars (although given the nature of the folks who frequent the Bovine Sex Club, perhaps the term should be “irregulars”) without the flash, relying only on the stage and ambient lighting of the Bovine.

The photos were taken on my ancient but trusty Olympus D320L digital camera. if you carefully choose the light source and holding the camera very still — the camera tends to be very motion sensitive without the flash — you can get some very dramatic and “arty” shots. They were not treated to any Photoshoppery other than being rotated ninety degrees (most of them are “portrait” shots, taken with the camera on its side) and shrunk to about two-thirds their original size.

The Titano close up. The grill work on the keyboard side of a piano accordion lends itself very well to photography. Here’s a shot of the Titano, my “street accordion”, taken from above.

Ladies and gentlement, your host, Mr. Carson T. Foster. He always starts off the evening fully clad in his silver tuxedo, but he’s usually down to just the pants by the end of the night.

The extra burlesque is free! That night, he went a little farther stripping down to the silk boxers. It looks as though his stint as “Derek Shaw” on The Naked News did rub off on him.

Welcome to Mapplethorpe Country! He’s singing Such a Lovely Day.

Channelling Iggy Pop. I got this candid shot while he was riffling through his library of Karaoke CDs looking for the next song.

Cass!

Cass and Melanie, putting on a show. The suggestive “hot girl-on-girl” pantomime never gets old, no matter how many times I’ve seen it.

Still Life with vodka and cranberry. Ah, sweet liquor…eases the pain.

Eric! Kick Ass Karaoke’s resident ’80’s specialist gives us his serious look.

Even the local rockers and their pals come out to play. Robin Black (right) of Robin Black and the Intergalactic All-Stars and his friend glam it up.

Leila!

Melanie! Mel’s the reigning goth fashion queen of Kick Ass Karaoke.

Robin again. A close-up shot of Robin Black.

Self-portrait. This is my patented “Yakuza” stare. Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta.

I’m not Trent Reznor, but I play him on TV. This guy says he never looks good in photos, but this pose is serious album art material.

Nice effing T-shirt. She wins the award for T-shirt with the most gratuituous use of the word “fuck”.

Karaoke hip-hop specialist Special K. Believe it or not, there are karaoke versions of Eminem’s numbers, and nobody does ’em quite like Special K.

Tina! Kristina “Too-Tall Tina” Gravelson wanted to do Queen’s I Want to Break Free, but it wasn’t in the Kick Ass karaoke library.

The longs and the short of it. Tina and Dorian do a duet. By the way, Dorian is standing up, but I think Tina’s also wearing platform shoes.

Kissed by Nosferatu? Me and Tina, hanging out on one of the benches. The “vampire” effect come’s from Tina’s moving towards me.

Tina and me, again. This shot has “album liner notes art” written all over it.

Will! The half-Asian half of the Asian gang known as “Asian Gang”, I chose him to end this set of photos.
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Rolling Stones at the Palais Royale tonight?

According to someone on the TorFun (“Toronto Fun”) mailing list, MuchMoreMusic (MuchMusic’s “mellower” sister channel — the Canadian answer to VH-1) says that the Rolling Stones are playing a surprise concert at the Palais Royale tonight. Tickets are $10 and there are only 1000 available.

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The MuchMusic appearance (preview)

I’ve got to do a little work first, so I’ll flesh out this entry with the story a little bit later on today. In the meantime you can take a look at these stills from yesterday’s appearance on MuchMusic’s MuchOnDemand…

Photo: Closeup of me playing accordion at the MuchMusic studios for the show 'MuchOnDemand'. They captioned me as 'JOEY: ACCORDIAN GUY'.

They haven’t given an accordion player this much live airtime since Weird Al. I’m kicking into the first few bars of Britney Spears’ Baby One More Time in this shot. By the way, it’s spelled “AccordiOn”, not “AccordiAn”

Photo: Opening shot of my MuchMusic appearance, with Rainbow Sun Francks, Rick Camapanelli, me and Jen Hollett.

The establishing shot. My appearance was ten minutes into the show, after the second commercial break, with VJ Rainbow Sun Francks (in character as a cross between Homey the Clown and Tony Soprano) doing the into. Pictured from left to right: Rainbow, VJ Rick Camapanelli, Yours Truly, VJ Jen Hollett. In the background, my screaming teenage fans.
Photo: On-air interview with Rick, me and Jen.

“I leave polka to the experts.” A quick interview with Rick and Jen before we let the audience choose what number I’ll play.