The Adventures of Accordion Guy in the 21st Century

You want to ignore this post, but I know you. You can’t.

Bowel Buddy Brand Biscuits

You really have to come over to Canada now, because we lead the way in cool. Consider these:

• Legal gay marriage
• While not formally de-criminalized, marijuana’s no longer a big deal
• A drinking age of 18 or 19 (depending on the Province), instead of the Americans’ silly 21
• Better beer
• Healthcare (which is world-class, no matter what rich right-wingers who have investments in HMOs and summer in the Hamptons with doctor friends will tell you)
• A video station that actually plays music videos (okay, so they’re not playing the widest variety of them, but they are playing videos)
• A video station that will let you perform on the freaking accordion, live, in front of the entire damned country, just because you asked nicely

And now, we have this…

I would normally say “I shit you not”, but since two Bowel Buddy wafers have almost 23 grams of fibre, the more appropriate phrase would be “I shit you lots.” According to the literature, some people lose up to five pounds thanks to Bowel Buddy’s erm…ah…cleansing action.

I’ve tried them at the nearby health food store (the one on Queen Street, staffed entirely by cute women). They’re tasty.

So are the wafers (arf! arf!).

Let’s make San Francisco pretty this Christmas!

Now that we’re done with the Canadian poop-altering product, let’s look at the American one:

Hershey’s green chocolate syrup is part of a tie-in with the Incredible Hulk movie. According to Shelli, this stuff turns your poop (or at least, her toddler’s poop) green.

Now let’s consider the case of San Francisco. There’s a considerable amount of human poop — and yes, you can tell it’s human as opposed to canine without any study — on the streets.

I see a way to make sure the homeless are getting some of their nutrients and making the streets more Christmas-y at the same time, don’t you?

Non-recommended drinking

This is Romulan Ale, which you can buy at Star Trek: The Experience at the Las Vegas Hilton. All my bodily waste was blue for a day.

Which would you prefer?

A. Everything you do, you do wrong.

B. Everything you do, you do right, but you have to do it three times, the second and third times with no purpose whatsoever.

If you like questions like this — perhaps like me, you’re fond of The Book of Questions — you’ll love the questions at the Web site You Must Choose. They’ve got lots of these A/B questions, and you can also see how other people chose.

(You’ll need Flash 6.)

“Joey,” said Tabitha the Cute Hot Dog Stand Girl, “you’re a slut.”

“‘Slut’ is such an ugly word. I prefer the term female enthusiast.”

Recommended Reading

Here’s a National Post article about Accordion City’s 24-hour hot dog stands.

Although I came up with that line independently, it seems that I’ve been beaten to the punch. Dang.

The Voodoo Magick Box

A friend of mine told me about his experiences with the Voodoo Magick Box this weekend. Apparently, it’s some kind of device that provides a “high” electronically. You spread some contact paste on your earlobes, then place the machine’s clips on them, turn the machine on and enjoy the buzz.

According to the web site, the Voodoo Magick Box can:

• Be a non-addictive narcotic substitute
• Provide relaxation and relief from stress
• Relieve depression and anxiety
• Improve memory and concentration
• Enhance sexual performance
• Fight insomnia

That last one is interesting, as it sounds like something straight out of William Gibson’s Fragments of a Hologram Rose. In that short story, a character named Parker can’t sleep without the aid of an “inducer”.

Here’s the site’s description of the “high” provided by the Voodoo Magick Box:

Almost immediately you will experience a strong feeling of inebriation, as if you had just slammed back a few martinis. The feelings of intoxication will be coupled with a sense of pleasant relaxation. During use some people will notice a subjective change in their body weight. You might feel heavier at first and then lighter, or you may simply feel lighter initially. You will also begin to notice psychedelic flashes of light in your peripheral vision. A relaxed state remains and a profound sense of alertness is achieved.

It sounds intriguing, but think about it for a moment: you’re running current through your head. Naturally, the FAQ insists that it’s safe.

Of course, the site implies that all the hot chicks are doing it, and hot chick trumps brain damage any day!

Savant for a day

The New York Times has an article covering a machine with a similar theme. Apparently, a device called a “transcranial magnetic stimulator” — yet another box with wires running to your head — can cause people to “suddenly exhibit savant intelligence — those isolated pockets of geniuslike mental ability that most often appear in autistic people”.

Okay, as a way of atoning for linking to a bad bum pic in the last posting, I present to you Ms. Avril Lavigne at the MuchMusic Video Awards. Slightly edited.

The original photo, for your own Photshopping pleasure, is here.

Mondo thanks to Craig Calef for the pointer to the original photo!