Author: Joey deVilla

The blog postings are light this week because I’m on holiday! I’m out and about with the Special Lady all week; drop me a line if you want to catch up with us. In the meantime, we’re having a better time than the guy at the front of the roller coaster below:

Yelp has a handy feature that lets you view a heat map of the parts of cities that correlate most strongly with certain key words in their reviews. Their Toronto heat map for the word “hipster” should come as no surprise to anyone:

Click the heat map above to see the full version.

This might work if it’s a peace offering to a friend, less so if it’s for a significant other or spouse. A cronut might be even more effective.

AWWW YISSS:

Click to see the awesomeness at full size.

That’s damned fine stationery.

Found via Derek Chatwood.

If you have lived past your twenties now and have not lived a sheltered life, chances are you’ve already internalized Thought Catalog’s 19 Brutal Truths About Life That No One Will Tell You. Still, just like the mandatory training videos they made me watch at Microsoft that explain that bribing government officials in order to land a sweet bonus-earning deal is wrong, there’s a certain power and usefulness in stating the obvious.

Go and read the full article, but for the benefit of those you aren’t sure, here’s a list of my quick summaries.

1. Getting friendzoned? It’s because they don’t want to see you naked.
2. Sometimes you’ll be the person everyone else trash-talks, because sometimes you’ve earned it.
3. Unflattering photos of you are more accurate representations of what you look like. Suck it up, ugly.
4. People think about their exes in bed sometimes, including with you.
5. You’re going to see a lot of people who peaked in high school, and feel superior to them or pity for them. Enjoy.
6. Some people are going to think that you peaked in high school, and feel superior to you or pity you. Deal.
7. The people who once treated you like dirt but now treat you nicely are doing so not because they’ve evolved but because you’ve gotten better-looking or more financially successful.
8. People judge you on how you dress.
9. It might be that you went into debt to get your degree, only for it to turn out to be a waste of money.
10. But get that degree anyway, because it might affect how people judge you.
11. This one is so true that I’m just going to quote it directly rather than summarize: Having rich, well-connected parents basically cancel out every other qualifier of talent or hard work or potential. They are the trump card of life.
12. Having rich, well-connected parents will make other people secretly resent you. Don’t sweat it; they’ll still have to stay on your good side.
13. Again, a direct quote rather than a summary: Most politicians, even the “progressive” ones, give a shit about literally no one and nothing but themselves and their mistresses.
14. Your ex has trash-talked you to their subsequent significant others. It happens, and you’ve probably done the same.
15. Another direct quote rather than a summary: At least two of your “friends” don’t actually like you.
16. Most of the terrible things people say about each other boil down to jealousy; tearing someone down is the easiest way to feel better about oneself.
17. One more direct quote: You might just not be good enough for that job you are positive that you really deserve.
18. Some of those most cherished memories with people you used to love may be the memories those people are trying to forget.
19. People have created “leagues” in their mind (as in “She’s out of your league”), and some will judge you as below theirs. Give them a wide berth.

Before you decide to shutter yourself away from the sewer that is humanity, remember that:

• A lot of this stuff just comes from the minor insecurities, jealousies and greed that are part and parcel of being human. As bad as these aspects of our nature often are, they’re also necessary: things like ambition and the drive to excel also come from them.
• Most of the people who are close to you will do these things only to a minor degree, and you’ve done the same to them.
• You can’t control who your parents are, but you have some control over how people perceive you.
• There’s always tequila!

That’s right, there’s always tequila. The end of the article is my favourite part: it’s a paid text ad for the Patron Social Club. I like the message it unintentionally sends: “People are terrible; have some tequila!”

Found by Nicole Simone, who is out of my league, and therefore more certainly out of yours.

Rob Ford on his call-in talk radio show, sporting his old ‘do,
before his new, close-cropped, you-can’t-test-this-for-drugs buzz cut.

Dave Price, the director of operations and logistics of Toronto’s raging embarrassment of a mayor, Rob Ford, used to call in to the mayor’s Sunday call-in talk radio show and claim to be Dave various parts of the city. Dave lives in Georgetown, although he’s called in as “Dave from Scarborough”, “Dave from Etobicoke”, and Dave from other regions of the city, always to heap praise on the mayor and his brother, Doug Ford, who lives under the delusion that he was elected to be co-mayor. Dave was he mayor’s high school football coach back when Rob was a student, and was Rob’s campaign manager in the 2010 election.

While this sort of thing is hardly voter suppression, embezzlement, or hey, a complete refusal to explain posing for a picture in which two guys are in jail, one was shot in apparent gang activity and the backdrop is a known crack den, but it still is a sign of the “rules are for other people” approach that His Worship is known for.

Oddly enough, this story was run by the Toronto Sun, the preferred misinformation source of Accordion City’s low-information voter crowd, and normally play the part of Animal Farm’s sheep to the Ford brothers’ Old Major and Napoleon.

In honour of these calls from Dave — well, at least Price was telling the truth about his name — here’s the Kids in the Hall’s classic routine, The Daves I Know: