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Also Florida of the day: The curious case of the Christmas Eve toe sucker

Photo: Bare foot and an outline of the state of Florida, with the headline “Florida police search for criminal toe sucker”

From The Smoking Gun:

Investigators say the victim was sleeping in his bedroom when the suspect somehow entered the locked Bradenton residence on December 24. When the victim awoke around 3:30 AM, his toes were in the creepy stranger’s mouth.

“The victim asked the suspect what he was doing,” police reported. Assuming that he was about to be robbed, the victim declared that he did not have any money. In response, “The suspect told him he was there to suck toes.”

As you can see, the suspect followed only one of Inigo Montoya’s tips for networking success: manage expectations…

Because this is ’Murica, guns entered the picture:

The victim, who was alone in the residence, then began throwing punches at the intruder, forcing him out of the house and into the yard. As he was being driven from the home, the suspect “told the victim that he had a gun and then attempted to fondle the victim’s genital area.”

However, a “gun was never seen during the altercation,” police noted.

Maybe he meant the other kind of gun:

In case you were wondering how far the incident took place from me, here’s a map:

Map: Distance between 7venth Sun Brewery in Tampa and Bradenton, Florida (57 minutes, 48.7 miles)

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A very timely New Yorker comic

Comic from The New Yorker, June 20, 2019. Tap to see the source.

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Tampa Bay deal of the day: Manatee-shaped chicken tender, asking $5,000

If you’ve got “five large” burning a hole in your pocket, Melinda Britt Disbrow has a chicken tender shaped like a manatee that she’d love to sell you!

You can buy it on this page in Facebook Marketplace:

My observations:

  1. Let us not mock her for the harebrainedness of her idea, but praise her for her entrepreneurial spirit.
  2. It’s a fraction of the price of that banana duct taped to a wall.
  3. If I can find a chicken tender shaped like Baby Yoda, I’ll never have to work again!
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Florida of the day: We’re a leader in car crashes into buildings

Believe it or not, there’s an organization called the Storefront Safety Council, and they say that Florida is one of the top U.S. states for vehicles crashing into storefronts. Founded in 2011, the Council’s mission, as stated on their website, is to “reduce the number of vehicle-into-building crashes.”

Their report came out mere days after this crash, where a pickup truck travelling at high speed rammed through the exterior wall of the airport in Sarasota and crashed into the ticketing area:

Kudos to whoever built that counter!

41 percent of storefront crashes are caused by drivers age 60 and over, which should remind you of this South Park episode:

The Council also reports that nearly a quarter of the time, drivers confuse the accelerator and brake pedals, which auto manufacturers have blamed for sudden acceleration incidents.

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From my “Drafts” folder: Catching Jo Koy’s show at the Tampa Theatre

Click the photo to see it at full size.

Here’s a post I started back in February 2019 and didn’t finish — until now! Jo Koy returns to Tampa at the end of February, and I wanted to publish this before then.

Anitra and I caught Jo Koy’s sold-out show at the historic Tampa Theatre.

Click the photo to see it at full size.

Click the photo to see it at full size.

There aren’t many theaters like this one left. It first opened in 1926, and was the first commercial building with air conditioning. It had its heyday during the golden age of movies but fell into disrepair during the era of suburban flight in the 1960s. The city rescued the theatre in the early ’70s, with Hillsborough County’s arts council taking over the theatre’s program and selecting its films and events. This effort became the model for saving endangered theaters nationwide.

Click the photo to see it at full size.

Click the photo to see it at full size.

Click the photo to see it at full size.

Click the photo to see it at full size.

Click the photo to see it at full size.

We had VIP tickets, which entitled us to a quick selfie session with Joseph Glenn Herbert (that’s his actual name; “Jo Koy” is derived from “Jokoy”, which is one of many possible Filipino nicknames for “Joseph”) himself:

Click the photo to see it at full size.

Click the photo to see it at full size.

Click the photo to see it at full size.

Click the photo to see it at full size.

Click the photo to see it at full size.