Smug Vulgarian Republican Lawyer Says “More War, Less Taxes”, Becomes Victim in Urban Legend-Like Robbery

What a day Gabriel Schwartz had! First, he gave this classy interview at the Republican National Convention where he said:

  • “More war, less taxes”
  • We should take out Iran’s “nukular” facilities and send them the bill (“Plant a flag, take the oil, take the money” were his words)
  • Protestors outside the convention should “get a job”

…all the while never losing that smug, self-satisfied smirk.

Here’s the video:

It took karma mere hours to jazz Schwartz up the gunga. Later that night, he met a woman (well, he says it was a woman, but you never know with these Republicans) at the hotel bar and took her back to his hotel room. The last thing he remembers is her mixing some drinks and telling him to get naked.

Had this been the classic urban legend, he would’ve woken up in an ice-filled bathtub with a missing kidney. Instead, he woke up to find that this sexy hero gal (or guy) had made off with:

  • A Prada belt valued at $1,000
  • A $1,000 “purse or wallet” (Seriously, dude? A murse?)
  • A cellphone valued at $1,500
  • Earrings prices at $4,000
  • A necklace values at $5,000
  • A ring valued at $20,000
  • A watch valued at $30,000

Schwartz says that all told, he lost $120,000 in the robbery. Who knew being a douchebag was that expensive?

To twist a line from Spaceballs: “May the Schwartz not be with you.”

Read the full story: GOP delegate’s hotel tryst goes bad when he wakes up with $120,000 missing.

4 replies on “Smug Vulgarian Republican Lawyer Says “More War, Less Taxes”, Becomes Victim in Urban Legend-Like Robbery”

I’m trying to decide if he’s the sort of douchebag who would have $120,000 worth of jewelry and murses in his hotel room or more likely if he’s the sort of douche who would see this as a lemonade out of lemons opportunity and commit an incredibly ballsy act of insurance fraud (which I might be wrong but that seems like the sort of thing that would get him disbarred)

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