The Adventures of Accordion Guy in the 21st Century

After this morning’s disastrous press conference in which he attempted to defend himself against allegations of announcing to a former staffer that he wanted to perform oral sex on her and ended up making the funniest gaffe in Toronto political history, Toronto Mayor and walking punchline Rob Ford held another press conference to explain himself. In that conference, he said:

Ladies and gentlemen, I want to apologize for my graphic remarks this morning.

Yesterday, I mentioned, was the second worst day of my life except for the death of my father. The past six months I have been under tremendous, tremendous stress. The stress is largely of my own making.

I have apologized and I have tried to move forward. This has proven to be almost impossible. The revelations yesterday of cocaine, escorts, and prostitution, has pushed me over the line, and I used unforgivable language—and again, I apologize.

These allegations are 100% lies.

When you attack my integrity as a father and as a husband, I see red. Today I acted on complete impulse in my remarks. I fully realize in the past I have drank alcohol in excess. I wish you to know I am receiving support from a team of health care professionals. I am taking accountability and receiving advice from people with expertise. I do not wish to comment on the particulars of the support.

I wish you to understand I am accepting responsibility for the challenges I face. I would ask you please, please respect my family’s privacy.

Thank you very much.

Afterwards, with the assistance of his staff, he pushed his way straight through the crowd of reporters who were gathered in the purposely-small room, even knocking over a camerman or two. As Torontoist’s Hamutal Dotan astutely notes:

When Rob Ford holds press conferences he generally does so in his protocol office—a sort of exterior lounge just outside that private office. It is small and cramped, and his appearances there—as opposed to the many larger spaces available in City Hall—are almost certainly designed to make reporters look like an angry hoard. (Previously, press conferences were most often held in the members’ lounge in the council chamber, a wide space with rows of chairs, and often mic stands where reporters could line up to ask questions.) The space is small enough that cameras and people are crammed more tightly than commuters on a rush hour subway, and the impression this creates is that the mayor is being held hostage by the press gallery.

Jimmy Kimmel had great fun last night with video clips from yesterday’s Toronto City Council meeting. He noted that the best we could do was vote on whether or not to ask Mayor Rob Ford to resign, which to him seemed “very Canadian”. All but one clip he showed were taken straight from the video of the meeting — the only change made was the lengthening of the already long pause that Ford took to answer the question “Have you purchased illegal drugs in the past two years?”, and the addition of the Jeopardy “final question” song.

I love the reaction from the reporters at the end.

The Rob Ford story took a turn for the even more weird today as he gave what is likely to be the most lurid press conference ever given by the mayor of Toronto — and maybe even the mayor of any major North American city. Here’s the audio from that presser:

Here’s the first part of what he said:

I couldn’t comment yesterday cause I didn’t read the documents that was [sic] released.

It’s unfortunate I have to take legal action. I don’t appreciate people calling Alana a prostitute. I’ve never had a prostitute here. I’m very happily married at home. This is very disturbing against my wife. Unfortunately I have to take legal action against Isaac Ransom and George Christopoulos and Mark Towhey. I have to take legal action against the waiter that said I was doing lines at the Bier Markt. That is outright lies; that is not true.

It hurts my wife when they’re calling a friend of mine a prostitute. Alana is not a prostitute, she’s a friend and it makes me sick how people are saying this. So unfortunately I have no other choice. I’m the last one to take legal action. I can’t put up with it anymore.

So I’ve named the names. Litigation will be starting shortly. I’ve had enough. That’s why I warned you guys yesterday, be careful what you wrote.

These remarks were made in response to a report from a police investigation released yesterday containing statements from His Worship’s (the proper honorific for the Mayor of Toronto, even if it is Rob Ford) former staffers telling horror stories about his behaviour at the Bier Markt pub on St. Patrick’s Day 2012, including his chugging vodka straight from the bottle, hurling racial insults at a South Asian taxi driver, smoking weed and doing bumps of cocaine, and hanging with “Alana”, a “suspected escort”.

He then tried to throw in a little distraction by talking about how our football team will beat Hamilton’s:

That’s all I have to say for now. The next thing I want to call Mayor Bratina in Hamilton and tell him that we’re going to have to spank their little Tiger-Cats.

By the bye, the last name of the mayor of Hamilton isn’t “Britannia”, but “Bratina”.

And finally, as what was probably an off-the-cuff afterthought, the money quote:

Oh, and the last thing was Olivia Gondak, that says that I wanted to eat her pussy.

I’ve never said that in my life to her. I would never do that. I’m happily married.

I’ve got more than enough to eat at home.

Thank you very much.

It’s likely that the mayor was citing the classic guy’s quote “It doesn’t matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home,” but it comes off completely wrong in the context of his prior statement. I suspect His Worship has even more ‘splainin’ to do when he gets home tonight.

In honour of Mayor Ford’s new low, some appropriate music videos:

You know what verse I’m thinking of from this song…

Toronto Star reporter Robyn Doolittle tweeted earlier this morning that Toronto City Council have engaged in a new practice: turning their backs to Mayor-and-running-joke Rob Ford every time he speaks. She included the photo above in her tweet.

I’m reminded of this scene from Star Trek: The Next Generation…

The big difference, of course, is that Worf accepted his discommendation with dignity and as a way to preserve the government’s honour, and even asked his brother to turn his back on him. There’s little chance of that happening with Rob Ford.

In case the title of this post and the image above haven’t made it clear, let me say it again: if you want to help people in the wake of a disaster, including the people of the Philippines, cash is the most effective donation. You may think it’s a win-win when you donate stuff that’s been sitting on your pantry shelf or in your closet — “I’m feeding people and getting rid of something I’ll never use!” — but time and time again, aid groups have been saying this:

Monetary contributions to established relief agencies are always the most productive public response to disasters.

The line above is straight from USAID CIDI, the U.S. Agency for International Development’s Center for International Disaster Information (CIDI). They’re the experts, so I’ll leave it to them to explain why cash is best in their How Disaster Relief Works article, with some emphasis by me:

When disaster strikes overseas, people who want to help may begin collecting items intended for use in relief operations. It is not unusual for community and civic groups to have collected thousands of pounds of material – typically used clothing, canned food and bottled water – realizing only afterward that they do not know to whom to send the collection, what their transportation options are or whether the items are actually needed. Reasons why these donations are frequently counterproductive are given below. The good news is that the simplest and easiest way to support response efforts is also the most economical and efficient – through cash donations to relief agencies.

Financial contributions allow professional relief organizations to purchase exactly what is most urgently needed by disaster survivors, when it is needed. Cash donations allow relief supplies to be purchased near the disaster site, avoiding the delays, steep transportation and logistical costs that can encumber material donations. Some commodities, particularly food, can almost always be purchased locally – even after devastating emergencies and in famine situations.

Cash purchases also convey benefits beyond the items procured. They support local merchants and local economies, ensure that commodities are fresh and familiar to survivors, that supplies arrive expeditiously and that goods are culturally, nutritionally and environmentally appropriate. In contrast, unsolicited household donations can clog supply chains, take space required to stage life-saving relief supplies for distribution, and divert relief workers’ time. Collections of household goods serve no useful function in the acute phase of an emergency operation. Managing piles of unsolicited items may actually add to the cost of relief work through forcing changes to logistical and distribution plans and creating more tasks for relief workers. Cash contributions to established, legitimate relief agencies are always more beneficial to survivors and to relief operations than are unsolicited donations of commodities.

Want to make a donation? Here are some organizations that are taking money, doing good work, and have been checked out:

• Global Giving’s Super Typhoon Haiyan Relief Fund
• GlobalMedic
• Philippine Red Cross
• Doctors Without Borders / Medecins sans Frontieres

China is the world’s second-largest economy, a neighbour to the Philippines, and has many nationals who live and work in the Philippines, yet their government has committed a paltry US$100,000 to relief efforts in the wake of supertyphoon Haiyan (the U.S., on the other hand, has sent millions). China also has a large navy that they could deploy and have cross the South China Sea in a day, but they have yet to send ships.

The Chinese government’s dickery is just the latest punch thrown in their ongoing sparring match with the Philippines as China claims water territory that is clearly the Philippines’ and not theirs, as defined by the 1982 U.N. Convention on the Law of the Sea (UNCLOS), which provides rules for what states can claim as territorial seas (which extend 12 miles from shore) and as “exclusive economic zones” (which normally extend 200 miles). Oddly, but not surprisingly, China has ratified UNCLOS — they just don’t want to follow it when it’s inconvenient. There are other countries that have waters that China is also encroaching upon, but none have been as assertive of their rights as the Philippines.

China’s measly aid package is the equivalent of leaving a penny tip for your waiter, except that there are people’s lives at stake. Once again, politics trumps people.

Hey, Chinese government: cào nǐ zǔzōng shíbā dài. Oh, what the hell: let’s make it twenty generations.

In the meantime, if you’ve got some money to spare and want to help — and remember, even $25 US or Canadian is about 1,000 Philippines pesos and goes a long way — I recommend making donations to the Philippine Red Cross, who are on the ground and don’t waste their money on excessive administrative costs, and you can do so by PayPal here.