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My Accordion-Assisted Airline Upgrades

The Dallas Upgrade

empty dallas-fort worth airport terminal

It was 8 p.m. on a Saturday night in Dallas-Fort Worth airport when I arrived from Las Vegas to catch a connecting flight back to Toronto. The airport was pretty empty, and all but a few of the shops and restaurants had shut down for the day.

I was on the inter-terminal train system with a couple of my fellow passengers from the flight that left Las Vegas when I overheard a couple talking about something they’d missed on their trip.

“Would’ve loved to have seen the Nine Inch Nails show at the Hard Rock,” the guy said.

It turned out to be the show in which Trent Reznor took a moment onstage to FaceTime terminally ill Nine Inch Nails superfan and rock photographer Andrew Youssef, who was too sick to attend the concert. He stopped the show to place the call, got the audience to say hello to him, and then dedicated In This Twilight to him. Andrew died two weeks later.

“Well, honey, we didn’t know it would happen ’round the time we were there,” replied the girl.

It seemed appropriate, so I piped in. “Are you talking about the Nine Inch Nails show in Vegas tonight?”

“Yeah,” said the guy. “We didn’t know about it, so we booked a flight back on Saturday so we could have Sunday to unwind before getting back to work.”

“Hey, I didn’t know about it either, until my girlfriend’s cousin, who works at the Hard Rock, told us about it,” I said. “By the time we heard, the show was sold out.”

“Oh well,” the girl said, leaning up against the guy and taking his hand.

“I can give you the next best thing,” I said, taking the accordion off my back, after which I played Head Like a Hole. They sang along until the end of the train ride.

american airlines a319 interior

There were four employees at the desk when I walked up to the gate for my Toronto flight. The departure lounge couches were mostly empty, and there was little for them to do. They looked bored.

I checked with them to see if the flight was on time, and as I turned around to get a seat to eat my fast-food dinner, one of them said “Is that an accordion?”

“Not just any accordion, but a rock and roll accordion. Would you like to hear something?”

One of them said “AC/DC”, and that’s all I needed. I had them singing along to You Shook Me All Night Long.

“That,” one of them said, “was exactly what we needed tonight. How would you like an exit row all to yourself?”

“I would love one,” I replied.

Moments later, I’d exchanged my boarding pass for one granting me my own exit row. To make things even better, the plane turned out to be one of American Airlines’ new A319s with the leather seats and the entertainment units. Not bad.

american airlines a319 exit row with accordion

Photos by Yours Truly.

The Kansas City Upgrade (October 2013)

joey at buffalo airport

Me at Buffalo-Niagara airport, waiting for the flight about to be cancelled. Photo by Yours Truly.

The First Delay: Buffalo

I was flying to Kansas City early one Saturday afternoon. There, I would play accordion at my friend Matt’s party, where all save a handful of guests thought was just a Halloween bash. The secret was that he and his fiancee Lori were going to have their wedding ceremony in the middle, and I would play the Wedding March and other appropriate tunes, presumably including Billy Idol’s White Wedding. My schedule gave me a couple of hours’ leeway, so I felt pretty confident that I’d be at the party with time to spare.

And that’s when they wheeled my flight’s pilot away on a gurney.

Shortly after that, they announcement was made that the flight was cancelled since they couldn’t find a replacement pilot. I made a beeline for the ticket counter, where they changed my flight from Buffalo – Chicago – Kansas City to Buffalo – Cleveland – Kansas City. I’d be a little late, but still in time to catch most of the party and possibly even play at the ceremony. I texted Matt with the news.

The Second Delay: Cleveland

I’d just gotten comfortable in my seat on the Cleveland – Kansas City flight when the lights went out on the plane. The plane had been connected to the airport’s power supply, but the power supply hadn’t been turned on, so the plane’s batteries ended up being drained. There wasn’t enough juice to start the plane’s generator, and we all had to disembark and wait for someone to either recharge our aircraft or the pilots to locate a new one. At that point, I knew I was going to miss not just the wedding ceremony, but most of the party as well.

It took them only a half hour to find another aircraft that the pilots were qualified to fly, and we boarded. I was in a row near where the flight attendants were stationed, and I’d been telling them about all my delays. They offered me a free drink once we’d gotten airborne, which I accepted.

One of them saw the accordion and said “Can you play that thing?”

I said “Of course. Would you like to hear something?”

She said “You might as well do it right now. The pilots are going to need some time getting set up.”

“Well, let me do a couple of numbers for the plane.” I stood up in the aisle, and a number of people shot video of the performance, including one Ann Wesley Hardin. In the video she shot, you can hear her say “It’s gonna be on YouTube tomorrow!”:

After my numbers, I took my seat and the flight attendant handed me a pre-flight can of Corona in a paper bag, presumably so it wasn’t that obvious, and I had another free and more openly-enjoyed beer when the drinks cart came around:

joey devilla - reward for a job well done

Photos by Yours Truly.

I do love travelling with the accordion!

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You! Shall! Not! Pass…the mashed potatoes.

lord of the rings dining table

This Lord of the Rings-themed dining table is geek-tastic. I give it a natural 20.

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The snowman’s horrifying secret

it is raining my flesh

Found at Mister Hayden. Click to see the source.

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A little magazine placement artistry

magazine placement art

Clever.

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I’d hate to have to retrieve the contents from locker number 15…

angry locker item

Click the photo to face the fury at full size.

…I’m assuming, of course, that whoever left the little yapper there was planning on coming back in the first place.

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Transit roundup: Public transit is underfunded because rich people don’t use it, bike lanes don’t hurt retail business, and why people voted for Rob Ford’s transit plan

anarchist

Once upon a time, about ten years ago, a coworker of mine expressed surprised to hear that I owned a car — a 1998 Honda CR-V, which to this day still looks pretty sharp, runs well, and has fewer that 150,000km or just over 93,000 miles on its odometer.

“But you’re an anarchist!” she exclaimed. “You bike to work!”

It is true, I do own and make good use of a car, but my biking to get around doesn’t make me an anarchist any more than my ownership of segmented funds makes me a robber baron. I’m not declaring war against the car, just on complete and utter dependency on it. There’s a time and situation for every kind of getting around, from the personal car, to public transport, to biking, to walking.

Even the most conservative person will tell you that compared to so many investments, cars are terrible ones (watch what happens to its value the moment you drive it off the lot), that taking transit or a cab is better than drinking and driving, and would approve of a transportation mode that’s cheap, keeps you fit, saves you money, is largely unregulated and powered by the sweat of your brow…at least until you tell him or her that it’s a bicycle.

And now, some news on car alternatives…

Public transit is underfunded because the wealthy don’t rely on it

brt

Creative Commons photo by Embarq Brasil.

Wired points to a study by pro-transit group Embarq [PDF] found that Bus Rapid Transit (BRT) — a system of buses using dedicated lanes, stops and schedules — provides numerous benefits, from drastically reduced commutes times for everyone, to reduced road fatalities, to improved air quality. The effect is very noticeable in the world’s largest cities: it’s shaved an hour off the average daily commute in Istanbul (population 14 million) and Mexico City’s air pollution has been cut so that it saves 6,000 sick days a year. Even if you take the most self-centered definition of “traffic congestion”, “everyone else on the road except me”, having such a system or its equivalent is a win.

The problem is that the benefits of public transit are most greatly felt by middle- and lower-class people, and not those who typically chum around with and line the pockets of politicians. A recent Salon article by Alex Pareene got to the heart of the matter with just the title: Why mass transit is doomed in America: Politicians don’t know people who use it. One of the nice things about Toronto’s Metrolinx is that it was open to grassroots projects like Toronto Transit Camp, which gave access to people who normally don’t have access to politicians, letting them share their transit experiences and ideas, and giving a chance to introduce some balance to get back into the system.

Also worth reading: To attract urban investment, build a bus line.

Bike lanes DON’T hurt retail business

The University of Washington’s Kyle Rowe decided to see what happened after 12 parking spots were removed from Seattle’s 65th Street and replaced them with a bike lane. Many retailers on the stretch carped, saying that the lack of parking spaced would hurt their business. Here’s how retail businesses fared in the end:

bike-65th

While there were no controls to determine whether or not the boost in retail sales was caused by adding a bike lane, it’s pretty clear that it certainly didn’t hurt.

To test the hypothesis, they looked at another Seattle street in the Greenwood district. The result:

bike-greenwood

There’s no jump in retail like there was on 65th Street, but there was no harm, either. As The Atlantic’s article on the study concluded:

Rowe’s isn’t the only recent study of its kind. A very fresh analysis of how bike lanes (and pedestrian improvements) impact retailers in New York reached similar conclusions. At best, retailers in a corridor seem to benefit from the change. At worst, they can still count on business as usual.

Why people voted for Rob Ford’s transit vision

Simply put: willful pig-ignorance.

Credit for the bit about bikes being the perfect conservative vehicles (“cheap, largely unregulated, powered by the sweat of your brow”) goes to John Bowman, who first used that summary in a Facebook post a little while back.

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Why I got kicked out of the grocery store

do not touch bread with hands

I don’t understand — I was just following the instructions they provided!