The Adventures of Accordion Guy in the 21st Century

…when you turn the mouse upside-down and see this:

Hand sanitizer. Lots and lots of hand sanitizer.

Whoever owns this mouse is likely indexed in the Creepy White Guys Tumblr.

Yeah, I know that our Rob Ford’s official mayoral Twitter account, @TOMayorFord, is maintained by someone (or more likely, a group of someones) other than our Peter Griffin-esque mayor. However, it is maintained by someone employed by City Hall and speaking using the mayor’s position and mantle, so you’d think that they’d at least strive to hand out good information in the middle of a power outage that left more than a quarter million people without heat and power.

Here’s a tweet that appeared on the @TOMayorFord Twitter feed yesterday:

Please report downed wires by calling 911 or Toronto Hydro’s operation centre at 416-542-8000.

— Mayor Rob Ford (@TOMayorFord) December 22, 2013

I’ve made a screen capture of that tweet for posterity.

DO NOT follow this advice. DO NOT call 911 to report a downed electrical line. 911 is for emergencies that threaten life and limb if they’re not responded to immediately. 911 is not for downed power lines; for those, call 416-542-8000.

Luckily, the Toronto Police are providing the right information:

MT @TorontoHydro: @RessyM Please report any downed wires to 416-542-8000. Phones are busy, please be patient. Thank you.” ^lm

— Toronto Police (@TorontoPolice) December 23, 2013

.@311Toronto is for non emerg issues. 9-1-1 is for EMERGENCY only. Use @TorontoPolice Non emerg #s *687 from any cell or 416-808-2222

— Sarah Diamond (@PCSarahDiamond) December 23, 2013

Chances are, the mayor will say that they’re trying to make him look bad because they’ve got a vendetta against him.

Imagine a horror movie where the young kids on spring break take a look at the decrepit old cabin that they’re supposed to stay in, say “screw this, we’re going to Cabo!”. Where a guy turns down an invitation to spend a night in a haunted insane asylum with the cheerleading squad and a ouija board. Where the kid refuses to play with the Hellraiser cube. Where the people refuse to play the cursed videotape that kills you in a week if you watch it. Where the characters have common sense and good decision-making skills.

That movie is HELL NO. And it’s a little anticlimactic. But you’ll be nodding your head and saying “Yeah, that was the right thing to do.”

A little swearing in the video. May not be suitable for your workplace.

If you put Zero Charisma (which I mentioned earlier) on your list of movies to watch during the holiday downtime, consider adding Lloyd the Conqueror and making it a dorky double feature. Where Zero Charisma centred around table-top role-playing gaming, Lloyd the Conqueror is about LARPing: Live-Action Role Playing. Grown-ass adults bashing each other with foam swords. Take a look at the trailer:

You might recognize some of the faces: Brian Posehn as the Gandalf-esque character who owns the local gaming store and who teaches our young heroes to excel at LARPing, Mike “Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys” Smith as the villain, “the Darth Vader of LARPing”, and Evan “Kelly from Degrassi: The Next Generation” Williams as Lloyd, whose Faustian deal requires him to participate in a LARPing tournament in order to pass his class at Southern Alberta Community College.

Where Zero Charisma is aiming right at the people who both played D&D and went to SxSW Interactive, Lloyd the Conqueror is going for the people who both played Warhammer and watch Trailer Park Boys. It’s lower-brow, has bit of obvious Canadiana thrown in, and not afraid to get silly. It’s also going to annoy any  of your friends who are into LARPing, which depending on your point of view, may be a bonus.

Click the photo above to read the review.

I love James O. Thatch’s Amazon review for the 36-pack of Kleenex. They may be facial tissues, but they help clean up so much more!

A mother’s struggle

I want to start this off by thanking Kleenex for selling these in 36-packs. I’ve put it on subscription, and if they want to start selling a 72-pack, sign me up. I have three reasons for needing this much Kleenex, and their names are Liam, Samuel and Hank.

This is how it goes in this house. First the Kleenex disappears. Then the toilet paper. Then they go for fabrics. And you don’t want it to get there, unless you’re ready to invest in a five gallon drum of Fabreeze.

This used to be a good Christian home. But it’s not about moral judgment anymore. I’m way beyond that. I’m in survival mode. If I don’t supply absorbent paper products, I’m going to find my dish towels hidden in the basement, stiff as aluminum. The other day, I almost cut my hand on a sock. I am sorry to speak so frankly, but with three teenage boys, a woman has got to be practical.

The funny part is, they think they’re being sneaky, with their 45 minute showers and sudden need for “privacy”, as if I’m going to walk in on them journaling. They slink around the house like unfixed cats, while I try to announce my location at all times. No one needs to ask me to knock anymore. I knock on the walls. I practically wear a cow bell. I’m not looking to catch anyone by surprise, believe me. I’m just trying to get through this.

The other day my husband was watching me unload the groceries, and he asks me, all sweetness and light, “Honey, what’re you doing with all that Kleenex?”

I about knocked him off his chair.

Also worth reading: Thatch’s Amazon reviews for cardamom and that $40,000 Samsung TV. His prank reviews have even landed him on CBS This Morning.

Found via AcidCow. Click the photo to see the source.

I think that “artificial” is also the wrong answer; its opposite is natural. “Copy” or “derived” would be better choices.

“Post-2007 Android“, “Shia LeBoeuf“, and “Margaret Wente” should also be considered acceptable answers.

Click the screenshot to play the game.

I found this new game, Zeno of Elea, by way of Andy Baio, who says “I can’t wait to play!”. I’m actually way too busy to get caught up in yet another game, but what can I say? They’re my Achilles’ heel.

If you try out the game and don’t “get” it, this may help.