The Adventures of Accordion Guy in the 21st Century

It sounds like a plot point from a movie titled American Pie: The Naval Academy Years, but it actually happened — the U.S. Navy had to apologize because one of their airplanes was used to create a giant contrail penis in the sky of Okanogan County, Washington.

In many coming-of-age movies, an authority figure has to apologize for the young protagonist’s inappropriate and tasteless actions, and the apology sounds so straight-laced that it becomes funny in context. The Navy’s official statement on the matter has pretty much the same effect:

“The Navy holds its aircrew to the highest standards and we find this absolutely unacceptable, of zero training value and we are holding the crew accountable.”

I have questions (of course I have questions!):

1. Can we make “dongtrails” the official word for this kind of skywriting?
2. Planes — especially Navy planes — aren’t like cars. You can’t just take one out for a spin without informing someone; you have to file a flight plan specifying where you’re taking off from, the route you’re taking, and where you’ll land. What kind of flight plan was filed for this jaunt?
3. While the act shows terrible judgement and reflects poorly on the Navy, drawing a giant sky penis does require some precision flying, including a hairpin turn. I’m not saying that the people involved should go undisciplined, but perhaps their skills could be channeled towards better, constructive, and even tasteful directions.

This isn’t real, but it should be.

This photoshoppery would work equally well with Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg in Trump’s place.

While grocery shopping at Publix earlier this week, I noticed something odd on the packaging in the hummus fridge: the words “dark chocolate”. I thought that I was mistaken, but a closer look not only confirmed my first observation, but revealed even more oddball flavors.

I picked up the Boar’s Head dark chocolate dessert hummus, which is described thusly on its website:

For a limited time, experience a sweet indulgence with all the goodness you have come to expect from Boar’s Head Hummus. Our Dark Chocolate Hummus is crafted with only non-GMO project verified and gluten free ingredients. All-natural steamed chickpeas are blended with rich cocoa, organic sugar, and vanilla, to offer a smooth, creamy texture and a decadent flavor that pairs wonderfully with pretzels, strawberries, and more.

In case you were curious, it clocks in at 80 calories per 2-tablespoon serving, and the tub contains 8 such servings.

Beside the Boar’s Head dessert hummus was a selection from a company called “Delighted by Hummus” (“db” for short) with these flavors:

• brownie batter
• choc-o-mint
• snickerdoodle
• vanilla bean

If the name “Delighted by Hummus” sound familiar, it might be because you saw the Shark Tank episode in which its founder Makenzie Marzluff accepted $600,000 of VC money from Mark Cuban. Here’s a summary of what happened:

I’ll report on my experience with Boar’s Head dark chocolate hummus as well as with the Delight By Hummus ones when I get them. In the meantime, here’s some dessert hummus reading:

• New York Post: Dessert Hummus is now a thing
• Bon Appetit: What does dessert hummus taste like?
• Men’s Health: Dessert Hummus—Is it Gross or Delicious?
• PopSugar: Pardon Me While I Locate My Shovel to Devour This Protein-Packed “Dessert Hummus”

If you’ve ever worked on a team with one or more a-holes, you know this is true.

Thank you, fellow Canadian Sam Panopoulos, for this wonderful culinary invention.