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The best "Matrix: Reloaded" review ever

A LiveJourno named hipstomp has a pretty funny review of The Matrix: Reloaded, which includes this observation about Morpheus:

Morpheus got fat. Holy hell did he put some poundage on. I’m thinking Morpheus ate the red pill, and it was so good he decided to wash it down with another 5,000. Either that or they opened a Burger King in Zion right by his place.

Word up Morpheus needs to get off the Nebuchadnezzer and onto a fucking stairmaster. That scene where he’s fighting the Twins, I kept expecting jelly donuts to fall out of his pockets. Like every time he hits the ground there’s a squishhh noise and all this jelly squirts out. Getting punched with powdered sugar on his face. By the end of the movie I thought he was going to eat one of the Sentinels.

Fishburne ain’t gonna like this, and he’s been getting pretty huffy with Matrix critics already.

Photo: Laurence 'Morpheus' Fishburne gives the camera the finger.

He took the Fat Pill. “I believe…that tonight…I can devour…a Fat Kreme. Isn’t that…worth driving to the mall for? Isn’t that…worth skipping the gym for?”

[Thanks to Tyler “praytothemachine” Weir for the pointer.]

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One hour of tasty beats

My friend and synth-and-accordion partner in crime, Karl Mohr, recently made a pretty nice one-hour mix of funk, big beat, dance and lounge-y music. If you’ve got good bandwidth and 43 megabytes of hard drive space, you can download the .mp3 file from his site [the link leads straight to the .mp3 file].

It’s pretty good music for working to; I’m doing some PHP and ASP coding as I’m listening to it. I’m sure it’s a pretty nice for driving, biking or walking as well.

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Hands up everyone who saw this coming

The four words that should stick a dagger of icy fear into your heart:

Sk8r Boi: The Movie.

Now I really have to make sure it’s in the accordion repertoire.

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The "little black book" taken to a whole new level

Content advisory: this entry is about software that’s billed as “100% Free Sex-Trick Management Software For Gay Men” and is pretty raunchy. There are no explicit photos, but the screenshots of the application contain hardcore sexual terms.

It was a cliched device in situation comedies of the seventies: the “little black book”, an address book containing the names and phone numbers of women with a rating, often expressed as a number of stars, beside each name (“Karen? She gets four stars, fer sure”). The little black book that sticks out most in my memory is the one belonging to Larry Dallas, Jack Tripper’s best friend from Three’s Company.

(Like many popular American television offerings, Three’s Company is an Americanized version of a British television show, Man About the House. My favourite Three’s Company episode is where they make a pointless fuss over a misunderstood double-entendre.)

Now that we’re living in the age of incredibly affordable computing power and the Internet, someone has decided that it’s time for the little black book to enter the 21st century. To that end, he has written iTrick, which he bills as “100% Free Sex-Trick Management Software For Gay Men”. It’s written in Java, so it’ll run under Windows, Mac OS X and GNU/Linux.

According to its features list, it tracks:

  • Who he is.
  • What he looks like (stats, pictures, website, etc.).
  • What you two did (in lurid detail, no less), and how good the sex was.
  • How to get in touch with him.
  • If he’s a flake/fake and wasted your time.

iTrick, being a database-based application, can create a number of reports for you:

  • A “Top 10” report that ranks your tricks (“so you always know who’s the best cocksucker, etc.”)
  • What’s the average age of your trick? Cock size?
  • On average, how many times per week do you hookup?
  • How often do you play safe?
  • How often do you fuck, suck, kiss, swallow, etc.?

Of course, all this is possible using conventional paper-and-pen methods. iTrick, being social software, apparently networks with other iTrick users so you can search the iTrick community to check that the guy you met online is really who he says he is. You can also speed up the pickup process by using the feature that gathers “your stats, contact information, and as many pictures as you like in a single file that you can e-mail to other iTrick users.”

Ironically enough, iTrick has some privacy protection features as well. You can set it up so that it can only be run if you enter a password first, and its database is encrypted.

I’m going to leave the more philosophical points of iTrick for discussion in the comments. Feel free to chime in. In case you can’t think of anywhere to begin, may I suggest:

  • How come the only way you can rate someone as a person is “flake/not a flake”?
  • Ratings on a scale of 1 to 10 are always tricky. What is that little difference that determines whether someone’s ass is a 7 or 8?
  • There a field into which you enter the duration of your encounter. Who the hell times sexual encounters?
  • What kind of life are you leading that you need a database to keep track of sexual encounters?

What I may comment on at length in my other blog (The Happiest Geek on Earth) is the user interface design. Frankly, it’s a complete mess, and as a guy who makes a living doing user interface programming (and even user interface makeovers), I must speak out. Take a look at these screenshots (these are for the Mac version)…

(The term “screenshots”, when used in a discussion of iTrick, takes on whole new double-entendre-powered dimensions.)

Photo: Screenshot from iTrick's 'Edit Hookup' window.

The “Edit Hookup” window. Here’s where you rate the encounter, which in this case is a bathroom redezvous in San Francisco’s Castro district. If this encounter took place in a Microsoft iLoo, you could probably make your entry as it happened!

The problem with iTrick’s user interface is that it’s just a bunch of information thrown together without any sense of organization. In the Edit Hookup window above, the name of the person with whom you hooked up is displayed only in the title bar of the window, which is normally ignored by users. It would help if the window were more cleanly divided into sections with the most quickly scannable information placed first: perhaps date and place first, followed by ratings, then safety, then comments.

Photo: Screenshot from iTrick's 'Edit Trick' window.

The “Edit Trick” window. Here’s where you rate the guy, who in this case is Bathroom Boy from the encounter documented in the window above.

Once again, in the Edit Trick window, Although this window seems to show a little more organization, there are too many controls thrown at you all at once.

Photo: Screenshot from iTrick's 'Search Community' window.

The “Search Community” window. Here’s where the social software aspect kicks in.

This is probably the best-designed window in the application. I’d probably separate this into two windows, however: one where you entered your trick’s screen name and email address, and one where the search results are displayed.

If iTrick sounds like software that could be part of your digital lifestyle, you can download it from the iTrick site.

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If you meet the Buddha on the road and he asks you a smart-assed question, ask a smarter assed-one back

If I ever become even half as clever as the student in this comic, I will die a happy man.

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Even the kilogram has gone on Atkins

Well, not really. But scientists do have a “weighty” problem: the standard for the kilogram is getting lighter.

(Yes, I know the kilogram is a measure of mass, not weight. I’m making a funny here.)

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More Kickass Karaoke stuff

Here at The Adventures of AccordionGuy in the 21st Century, we strive for factual accuracy, and we run our corrections on the front page. Not like other sources of news, who have outright liars on their staff.

And now, the facts (you might want to see the Kickass Karaoke story in this entry first):

  • I got my numbers wrong. There were 180 karaoke discs stolen from Kickass Karaoke host Carson T. Foster, not CDN$1800 worth. Their value is closer to CDN$5000. A hefty chunk of change.
  • More on Flyerman. Although I didn’t get a picture of him, there are photos of him at a site for a company that makes light-up clothing. Flyerman even has a film about him.
  • Getting our Star Trek science right. After Flyerman entered the room and danced to my rendition of Nine Inch Nails’ Head Like a Hole, Meryle (who often holds the mic to the accordion during my numbers) said that having me and Flyerman in the same room might open some kind of vortex. Carson then remarked that “all we need now is Jaymz Bee“, not Digeridoo Guy. He mentioned Digeridoo Guy after Michael J and I did the trumpet-and-accordion treatment of Istanbul (Not Constantinople). I still think with all these ridiculous pseudonyms, we could start a second-rate superhero team a la Mystery Men.
  • Meryle has more. Surely you’d like to read someone else’s perspective on Kickass Karaoke, and I’ll let her tell you the story of me, her, and Mortimer the Molesting Hand. “Let’s make biscuits! Let’s make biscuits!