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A public service announcement for people who do not know the difference between "bawl" and "ball"

In the past couple of weeks, I have stumbled across a number of Web pages in which the word “ball” was used when author clearly meant to use the word “bawl”. The misuse is always the same:

I balled my eyes out.

Many people make this mistake. See for yourself.

“I balled my eyes out” is both incorrect and funny in a Beavis and Butthead sort of way. When “ball” is used as a verb, it means either “to form into a ball” or even better, it’s a vulgar slang term for “to have sex with”.

Of course, if you wrote that you “balled someone’s brains out,” you’re probably using “balled” correctly.

The correct way to write the phrase is:

I bawled my eyes out.

That’s because “bawl” means “to cry or sob loudly”.

Class dimissed.

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This one’s for Stavros

The survivor of the bombing in Bali who has the fewest degrees of separation from me is Rick Gleason. He’s a friend of a fellow blogger, Chris “Stavros the Wonder Chicken” Kovacs, a hard-drinkin’ Canadian living in Korea who writes the weblog EmptyBottle.org. From his writings and a couple of e-mail exchanges, I know that Chris is a stand-up guy, and the reports about the kind of person his friend Rick are nothing short of glowing: a real go-getter with four degrees who spoke five languages, always ready to go somewhere. Rick was badly hurt in the explosion, sustaining burns to almost half his body and internal injuries. Chris is, understandably, quite shaken.

If you have the time, please send Chris — or anyone else you know who’s had a friend or relative hurt or killed in the blast — some words of sympathy.

If you have a little extra spending money, you can send it to the fund started for Rick at:

Brian L. Morris, in trust for Rick Gleason

c/o Bank of Montreal

111 Main Street

P.O. Box 4400 Whitehorse

Yukon Territory, Y1A 3T5 Canada

Transit #0998

or the Australian Red Cross’ Bali Appeal.

If you’re the praying or well-wishing type, I’m sure your prayers and wishes would be appreciated.

If you’re the drinking type, raise a glass for Rick and Chris, as well as all the victims and their families. At the very least, I know Rick and Chris would appreciate that very much.

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A disagreement between gentlemen (or, “The Leftersons” revisted)

Here’s the meat of an entry of mine made on Tuesday, September 3rd, 2002:

Stupid online comic of the month

Just in case you thought only “The Left” were masters of ham-fisted witless diatribes attempting to pass for humour, may I present The Leftersons (“America’s favorite liberal family!”). The Leftersons are a nuclear family of sorts — there’s an unnamed Mom and Dad, a daughter named Hillary, and a son named Stalin (Leftersons cartoonist Colin Hayes is probably still slapping his knee over that witty little gem). There’s also a goldfish who plays the double role of being the only sensible (read: extremely conservative) member of the family and Greek chorus as well as Stalin’s pal Tommy, a sensible (read: extremely conservative) African-American (well, Stalin calls him “African-American”, to which he replies “You mean black?”) whose role models include Clarence Thomas, Thomas Sowell and Dr. Tony Evans.

Hayes’ line-drawing style is pretty good, and he owes it to the fact that he’s been drawing since the age of four. The problem is that it looks as though his writing style is stuck at that age, as he goes straight for “Liberals are stoopid, just ’cause” angle rather than spelling out his case. Sir, I’ve read lots of P.J. O’Rourke, and you’re no P.J. O’Rourke.

I still stand by my opinion — good drawing, bad joke-telling.

Earlier this evening, just before I went out to join my friends in some dancin’, drinkin’ and accordion playin’, an e-mail message from Leftersons artist Colin Hayes appeared in my inbox. Here it is (cut-and-pasted verbatim, with his permission):

Subject: goodbye cruel world

It’s time for me to end it all. I can no longer go on.

I read your review of my comic strip, The Leftersons, on your masterpiece of a webblog and…well…I’m crushed. Your opinion means more to me than life itself.

By the way, drawing “since the age of 4” has been good for an annual income into six figures a year…helping me to be the capitalist pig that I am.

So…the question I’m now facing is, do I take my life with a gun, a drug overdose, slitting my wrist…or reading more of your web site…

Considering how boorish the worlds of Internet dialogues and politics are, this was a downright civilized response in comparison. A tit-for-tat jab, a little sarcasm, no swearing and no ad hominem attacks.

And he had the good taste to acknowledge that this blog is a masterpiece. I’ll borrow a quote from Rush Limbaugh and say that thanks, but really, my talent’s on loan from God.

I wrote back:

Hey, I don’t like Garfield either, and Jim Davis is doing just fine. Looks like we’ll just have to agree to disagree.

May I reproduce your e-mail, as-is — I promise I will not alter a single word — in my weblog?

And he graciously replied in the affirmative, adding more evidence to my half-joking summary of the political spectrum: the Left are people with whom you agree but can’t stand, while the Right are people with whom you disagree, but would gladly invite to parties.

C’mon, Colin, you’ve got a gold mine of a target — the Left have such a gift for self-parody that your material could almost write itself! Hey, here’s some real-life ammo for you: the “Reclaim the Streets” rally (see the September 5th entry) recently held here in Toronto, or how ’bout this one about my housemate’s diet-as-religion ditching of dairy products (which isn’t terribly consistent — he had some cheesecake with me before he realized that it was dairy. Earth to Paul: cheesecake is made from cheese, and guess what cheese is made of!)? In Sacrelicious, I could’ve simply had a couple of Bible literalists go “hyuk hyuk hyuk, mah momma’s not a monkey!”, but instead I took the premise of trying to explain the universe to people from 1280 BC. Satire isn’t a blunt club swung wildly in the dark, it’s a carefully-aimed arrow with a finely honed point. Brush up on your right-wing funny and check out P.J. O’Rourke or the National Review’s Jonah Goldberg. I don’t agree with everything they write, but they’re always entertaining and make me think. This is all just a little friendly advice — take it or leave it, whatever pleases you. If you’re makin’ a buck doing what you love and pleasing your readers, more power to you.

As for my readers, what do you think? The Leftersons’ archives are here for your perusal.

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My own "Switch" testimonial

Please Note: You might want to read this before continuing, otherwise you might not get the joke.

Title graphic: Confessions of an AccordionGuy convert. After reading Winer, Searls, MetaFilter, BoingBoing, diveintomark, kottke, EvHead, Wil Wheaton, busblog, Moxie, Mighty Girl and too many that end with 'Pundit', I switched to AccordionGuy. Why? He's fucking hot, that's why.'

Every other damned blog in the world to AccordionGuy: Mission Accomplished, Convert Thrilled

October 19, 2002

Yes, it’s true. I like The Adventures® of AccordionGuy® in the 21st Century® enough to change my whole blog-reading world around. Here’s the bottom line: The Adventures® of AccordionGuy® in the 21st Century® and its associated blog, The Happiest® Geek® on Earth® gives me the widest range of stories, from the serious to the silly, more choices and flexibility, and better compatibility with the technology world as well as people with lives.

AccordionGuy® relieved my fears about switching. I can still use the same browser and continue to read in the same convenient English® language in which those other, lesser blogs are written in. All my hardware — including my eyes, contact lenses, and the lower lip that I bite with sexual excitement whenever I read a well-crafted piece by an attractive single man — works perfectly when I read The Adventures® of AccordionGuy® in the 21st Century®.

To my surprise, the process of switching was as easy as Joey had promised. I was up and running in less than one day, Girl Scout’s honor (I got a merit badge in “advanced spanking”). First, let me tell you more about why I converted.

More Stories, for Less Surfing

I am a freelance writer; that means I have a lot of spare time. There’s a much greater choice of stories and features, for less surfing, on the AccordionGuy® platform. My laptop came with 512 MB of RAM, and after reading AccordionGuy®, so did I!

Ahem.

Anyways, AccordionGuy® covers current events, technology, humour, music, and life-in-general all in his two weblogs — to get that kind of range in other blogs, you’d have to read a pile of them, plus the assorted rantings of some messed-up LiveJournal kids writing their “nobody loves me” poetry after they’ve huffed a few too many household solvents. My recommendation is to go straight to AccordionGuy® Professional with features both The Adventures® of AccordionGuy® in the 21st Century® and The Happiest® Geek® on Earth®; the extra features for people with time to kill are worth it. See Which Edition is Right for You? for more information.

More Blogware Flexibility

Doc Searls (previously called Medical Student Searls) pales in comparison to AccordionGuy®. There’s no equivalent to the Stagette story, and while Doc says that no one can keep more balls on the ground than he does, Joey can keep at least two balls in the air. When he’s juggling, maybe even more.

The Happiest® Geek® on Earth® does more for me than Hack the Planet ever did, and I am a surfing addict. He updates more; the comments feature makes it easier for me to have a dialogue with him, and “Joey” appears before “Wesley” in my “Favorites” list.

And Now for the How

Now that I’ve given you the reasons why I converted, here’s the skinny on the how.

Which Edition is Right for You?

Just get The Adventures® of AccordionGuy® in the 21st Century® and The Happiest® Geek® on Earth®, jackass.

Step 1: Delete those old bookmarks for the other, lesser blogs.

In Internet Explorer, open the Favorites menu and right-click on any blog that isn’t either The Adventures® of AccordionGuy® in the 21st Century® and The Happiest® Geek® on Earth®. A pop-up menu will appear; select Delete. You should see a dialog box that looks something like this:

Screen shot: Yes/No dialog box that reads 'Are you sure you want to delete the reverse cowgirl's weblog?'

Click Yes. Now repeat this for every other blog that is neither The Adventures® of AccordionGuy® in the 21st Century® and The Happiest® Geek® on Earth®.

In Mozilla, open the Bookmarks menu and select Manage Bookmarks…. Highlight any blog that isn’t The Adventures® of AccordionGuy® in the 21st Century® and The Happiest® Geek® on Earth® and hit the delete key.

Step 2: Add The Adventures® of AccordionGuy® in the 21st Century® and The Happiest® Geek® on Earth® to your bookmarks.

Visit The Adventures® of AccordionGuy® in the 21st Century®, In Internet Explorer, select Add to Favorites… from the Favorites menu. In Mozilla, select Bookmark This Page… from the Bookmarks menu. Do the same for The Happiest® Geek® on Earth®.

Step 3: Say nice things about The Adventures® of AccordionGuy® in the 21st Century® and The Happiest® Geek® on Earth® to your bookmarks.

Talk about how astute he is. Say that he’s a handsome, dashing dude with his head screwed on straight. Say that he is an integral part of your shower-nozzle fantasies. Say his name, baby, say it!

Step 4: Say slanderous things about the other bloggers

Spread evil rumors about them. Make jokes about Jason Kottke’s hair — something like “I hear the stockboy at the grocery nearly stamped his head when he stood too close to the Kiwi fruit!”. Say that you saw Moxie trying to sneak nine items in the “eight items or less” lane — and suspiciously-shaped vegetables, too, if you get my drift (nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more). Maybe something like “That Aaron Swartz kid has joined a violence gang!”, “That Anil Dash — did you know that he sniffs other people’s bicycle seats?”, or “I hear that Lileks, Tony Pierce and Richard Gere go to the same gerbil wholesaler.” And these are the suggestions that wouldn’t bring legal action — let your imagination go wild!

Do you have an idea for a story? We’d love to hear from you. How have you used The Adventures® of AccordionGuy® in the 21st Century® and The Happiest® Geek® on Earth® to make your home, work or sex life easier, more fun, faster, simpler or less biologically messy? Submit your ideas, and you could get published on this Web site!

Special thanks in advance to all those whose blogs I named for taking it in the spirit in which it was intended.
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Okay, subconscious, what are you trying to tell me?

Two nights ago, I had a dream where I was living in Prague. Last night I had a dream in which my friend Cory Doctorow was passing the lease for his SoHo loft over to me. Cory doesn’t even live in New York — he’s in the city he likes to refer to as “San Fran-scarcity”.

(Cory: in case you were wondering, it was a damned fine loft on Prince Street, atop a building with those banners that seem to hang from every building in SoHo. I must say that when I dream, I always get kick-ass real estate.)

As I was typing the last sentence, I was trying to think of why the loft would be on Prince Street. It could be the fact that I usually end up there whenever I go to New York, or perhaps it’s my desire for a new iBook — an Apple Store opened on Prince Street just recently.

I think I’ve been bitten by the travel bug. A pity travel isn’t in the cards, given my financial situation.

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Subconscious to conscious…come in, conscious…

Yesterday’s interview with the headhunter — er, recruiting firm — went well.

I generally present well at this sort of thing, and having a well-fitting suit and looking comfortable in it always helps. I don’t think I’ve ever worn a suit to a job interview since my University days — I used to work at places where showing up for the interview in a suit would probably work against you. However, the job position for which I’d been contacted was for a senior programming position at a old and moneyed firm, so I decided to err on the side of conservatism: dark grey suit, white shirt with a few skinny navy stripes and a less-raffish-than-my-usual tie. On the way to the interview, I ran into my friend Char, who said I looked hot. After the interview, I went to Zooko’s and Amber’s for dinner, and she said I looked nice in a suit.

Interview clothing:a quick guide

Photo: Paul and me at the whiteboard in Zooko's attic office, hours after my interview.

Appropriate interview clothing. Well, the guy on the right — me, that is — is wearing approriate clothing. That is, if I were to do up the tie and put on the jacket. But doesn’t that outfit and smile say “professional” to you? (Photo taken last night at Zooko’s after dinner.)

Photo: Some fool dressed up as Team Rocket's 'James' from 'Pokemon', scowling and holding a Pikachu doll in a leash.

Inappropriate interview clothing. Besides, the guy’s wearing the wrong colour wig. “James'” hair is purple. I’ve obscured this poor sap’s face out of kindness.

It looks as though writing the War and Peace of resumes — a ten-page chef d’oeuvre providing a detailed run-down of just about every significant software project I’ve ever worked on since 1995 — paid off. The headhunter — I mean recruitment consultant — said “Thanks for putting your back into it on such short notice. It shows you’ve got initiative.”

He’s half right — it’s partly inititiative, partly a morbid fear of being reduced to giving sexual favours at the bus station in exchange for cheese.

“A strong Microsoft background,” he said, looking at my credentials, “we like that.” In some geek circles, this is the equivalent of Darth Vader saying “The Force is strong in youngnSkywalker. He could be a powerful ally if he were turned to the Dark Side.”

They seemed to like the fact that I’ve actually been to Redmond to meet with some of their kahunas. The only way I could’ve looked more Microsoft-y would’ve been to have MCSD certification (Microsoft’s certification for software developers, the primary value of which is to be able to demand a larger salary than those who don’t have one. Well, that and the lapel pin that Microsoft sends you.)

The company looking for a programmer is in Toronto’s sleepy Oakville (terribly suburban), which for me would be a 45-minute commute by highway during rush hour; possibly longer if the weather’s bad. I suspect that it’s in an office park. Shades of Office Space, cubicles (although I’m hoping that a senior programmer would rate his own office) and battles over red Swingline staplers. And it’s in an industry notorious for being boring (I leave you to guess what it is). Still, if I didn’t think that the work matched what I can do and that it is possible to have interesting work in the IT department of a boring industry, I wouldn’t have shown up for the interview. I also like getting paid more than I dislike commuting.

On the good side, the inside poop is that the structure within the place is solid enough so that it’s not a mass pandemononium, but not so rigid as to be stifling, and that they’re surprisingly office politics-free.

I think that’s all I can say without treading onto dangerous breach-of-confidentiality territory. Now I just have to play the waiting game.


That night, I had the closest thing I’ve had to a nightmare in some time. I boarded the Queen Street streetcar bound for home. Somehow, after boarding it, the streetcar had become a non-stop express bus bound for Barrie, a town not quite an hour’s drive away, from where a good number of Toronto’s commuters come.

I tried to negotiate with the driver to drop me off anywhere so I could find my way back south to civilization, but an old lady beside me begged me not to — she was running late and would miss a connecting train if the bus took even the shortest of stops. The conductor (Conductor? On a bus?) looked at some kind of fancy PDA with large screen and an antenna (hey, when I dream, I dream high-tech, baby!) and confirmed what she said: “Son, if we stop for you, the old lady will miss her train.”

He then gave me a very solemn look and said “And there will never, ever be another train again.”

Damn, I couldn’t do that to a little old lady. So on the bus to nowhere I stayed.

That’s when I woke up with a bit of a start, sort of like that cliched way in which people wake up after a nightmare in TV shows and movies.

“Only a dream,” I said to myself. I staggered out of my Victorian four-poster bed and walked down the marbled chandeliered hallway leading to the bathroom that I shared with my housemates.

Dobry den,” (that’s “Good day” in Czech) said my housemate, whose name I still didn’t know. I said “Yo, dogg.” back, and made a mental note to learn his name. It’s bad to live with someone whose name you don’t know.

I went into the bathroom, a palatial commode so fancy that Queen Elizabeth herself would’ve been honoured to take a dump there. Ornate hand-blown glass fixtures, a claw-footed tub, and a tiled wall mural depicting a battle scene with men carrying muskets and bayonets. A large door-size window provided a spectacular view of the Vltava River, the Karlova Most and the Old Town. I opened the window, letting the cool breeze blowing over the river wake me up a little more.

Wait a minute, I thought, what the hell am I doing in Prague?

And that’s when I really woke up.

Photo: Building in Prague on the right bank of the Vltava River. Taken from the left bank, January 2000.

My cool pad in Prague. Just a little bit south of the Old Town, not far from Karlova Most — the Charles Bridge — and…wait a minute, I don’t live in Prague. It’s just a dream.

I have my own theories as to what this dream means, but if you’d like to give me your interpretation, feel free to use the comments for this entry.

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The "War and Peace" of resumes

It’s a little hard to believe, but putting your resume online actually works — at least if you’re a programmer. I got a call from a recruiter yesterday, which led to an interview today.

The headhunter — I mean recruitment consultant — asked me if I could rewrite my paper resume, though. I kept it to the standard limit of two pages using a font size that doesn’t require you to use a microsocope to read it, but what these guys want is something more detailed. He e-mailed me a sample resume, which had a whopping seven full pages of twelve-point text.

“That’s the opposite of what most resume guides tell you to do,” I said to him in our phone conversation, “Most of them say that resumes over two pages get tossed in the trash.”

“That’s often the case,” he replied, “but d’you want to work for someone who won’t even take the time to find out about you before deciding whether to hire you?”

Of course not. I was just always under the impression that most employers and agencies used people’s resumes as a quick way of paring down the candidate list.

So right now, I’m scrambling to put together a detailed resume in the format they like. This should be an interesting interview; wish me luck.