Author: Joey deVilla

Not the actual missing USB key from the story, but I want to believe that it looks just like this!

If you’re out and about in downtown Toronto for Boxing Day today and you find a USB key in the Yonge and King area, hang onto it! It has some very interesting content, and its owner will gladly pay a $50 reward to get it back.

He explains it all in the ad he posted to Craigslist:

I lost a 16GB USB Key downtown, in black, on the Staples on Yonge/King. Whoever finds it will find this on it:

• Lots of pics of some ugly red haired guy (Me)
• Lots of pics of Japan (Where I work)
• Lots (Tons actually) of pics of cars
• Some pictures of my penis (I’m not even going to hide this one)
• Lots of pics of naked chicks from the Internet
• Lots of pics of my ex girlfriends naked (Taken with their consent of course)
• A consensual sex video
• A “Logic” mixed tape soundtrack
• My resume (with my number on it)
• Some other awesome shit

I’m not going to beat around the bush. If you’re a guy, and found this, you’re going to think it’s a sick USB drive due to it’s content. You might be hesitant to give it back in fact. If you’re a girl who found this, you might either be disgusted, or conflicted.

However, this USB drive does have a lot of pictures important to me (I could really care less about the nude girls/penis pics – it’s the pics of Japan/Cars I want), and I am willing to offer the finder of this magnificent USB drive ***$50*** for it’s safe return, with all the content on it.

This 50 dollars can buy you an equivalent 5 USB drives, a cheap hooker, some bad blow, or 50 Dollarama bags of candy.

I’m going to give the guy the benefit of the doubt and assume that by “consensual sex video”, he means that all the participants in the video (it might not be a girl; and hey, more than two people might be involved) consented to being recorded on video. It’s better than interpreting as “the video features sex in which everyone is a willing participant as opposed to being forced”, and that he needed to spell out that fact for a reason.

I’m also going to assume that the penis self-pics are for use in online dating. I have no idea why, but it’s not all that uncommon for a guy to send a picture of the Johnson, the handy Ham Cannon, the Magnificent Pork Sword (my favourite way of phrasing it), to prospective dates on online dating services. There’s a certain group of guys who somehow think it’s a good idea. It’s far less common with the ladies; in fact, in about a quarter-century of dating, only a couple have ever sent photos of their lovely lady lumps. This is not a complaint; truth be told, I wish it happened more often.

These are also probably not what the USB key looks like, but once again, I want to believe!
You can buy them here.

Long-time readers of this blog will be familiar with what’s written on the sidebar:

Back in high school, after reading Space-Time and Beyond for the umpteenth time and drinking one too many zombies with my friend Henry, we came up with a theory:

In the infinite set of universes, there had to exist a particular universe in which the events in our lives were being watched as a TV show.

We then made a solemn vow to live the kind of life that got high ratings.

I came up with that idea as a high-schooler back in the mid-late-1980s, about a dozen years before USB and USB keys. I may have to revise it to “Live your life in a such a way that if it were a USB key and it went missing, the lost-and-found ad would require you to explain it by saying ‘it’s a long story….'”

Found via BlogTO.

…and if The Oatmeal isn’t lying to me, this is how it’s supposed to be done:

Y’know, “Evernog” sounds like an interesting idea. (For Canadian readers: Everclear is grain alcohol, or what we at Crazy Go Nuts University used to call “alcool”.)

It took me a while to find it, but I managed to locate a snowman while in Tampa — a tricky feat, given that it was sunny and 27 degrees C (80 degrees F) that day. I found our frosty gentleman in Lowry Park Zoo, which was surprisingly quite that Sunday.

The clip  below, which dates from either late 1981 or early 1982, shows the then-upcoming movies for that summer, and what a summer it was! I saw all of them in the theatre that summer, and I think they still hold up pretty well.

The photo above contains stills from the six movies featured, and if that’s not enough of a hint, here are more:

• One of these films came out on Blu-Ray in a 30th anniversary edition. Author William Gibson is said to have walked out of this film twenty minutes into it, depressed to see  many of the ideas he was putting together for his novel on the screen.
• At least two of these movies are rumoured to have sequels in the works.
• One of these films has a sequel coming this summer.
• Two of these films have the same producer, who’s also a well-known director.
• One of these films had a remake last year, and it was terrible.
• The lowest Rotten Tomatoes score of these films is 70%.
• One of this summer’s big movies was directed by a director of one of these films.

Ser Jorah in a fedora! It’s perfect, and it rhymes!

Nice Guys of Westeros is a hilarious mash-up of “Nice Guys” of OKCupid and Game of Thrones.

Found via Cameo Wood.

So what’s the new rain-check date for the Apocalypse?

“There exists in this country, sadly, a callous, corrupt and corrupting shadow industry that sells and sows violence against its own people,” said Wayne LaPierre, executive VP of the NRA at their press conference in response to the Sandy Hook school shooting, who then failed to identify “Big Gun” and their puppet lobbyist organizations, NRA and ALEC.

He then went on to blame the Sandy Hook gun massacre on ten things, none of which were real guns. He did cite pretend guns in movies and videogames and the declaration of schools as gun-free zones as culprits, and also suggested that every school have an armed guard or cop (as if the Blackwater-ization of the school system is a good idea). Between their blaming of games and movies and their not taking any questions from the press, it seems that they’re quite fine with their oddball interpretation of the Second Amendment and ready to throw the First under the bus.

I think that it’s possible for responsible civilians to own guns in modern society — we somehow manage to do it in many industrialized nations, including here in Canada — but I think that the NRA has lost any concept of responsible gun ownership (they were a lot saner decades ago). Not with a line like “The only guy that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun,” anyway (which is the sort of sentiment that you’d expect from movies, and aren’t they the real problem?).