Author: Joey deVilla

Gives the expression “I have to see a man about a horse” a whole ‘nother meaning.
Click the photo to read the story on The Smoking Gun.

As if being a 19-year-old guy with hormones coursing through your veins wasn’t a rough enough ride, there’s also the fact that in Florida, no idea is a bad one. Pair these two together, and you get Sean Johnson. The Smoking Gun summarizes what he did at a Walmart in Brooksville, Florida (located about 50 miles/80 kilometres north of Tampa):

According to a police report, Sean Johnson, 19, “selected a brown, tan, and red stuffed horse from the clearance shelf in the garden department.” He then went to the comforter aisle in the housewares section, “proceeded to pull out his genitals,” and“proceeded to hump the stuffed horse utilizing short fast movements.” The lewd act was captured by surveillance cameras.

After Johnson “achieved an orgasm and ejaculated on the stuffed horse’s chest area,” he placed the “soiled stuffed horse on top of a bed in a bag (comforter set) contaminating that property also.”

Johnson very quickly left the store after the act was completed, but was later arrested by Brooksville police. In a statement that was poorly written in every sense of the phrase, Johnson admitted that he “did unmentionables to a stuffed animal”:

Click the statement to see it at full size.

After posting a $1,500 bond, he was released from custody. To the Walmart branch’s credit, the stuffed horse and any merchandise that came into contact with it has been taken off the shelves and deemed unsuitable for sale.

If Florida is America’s wackiest state, it stands to reason that its governor should be a standard-bearer for wackiness. Florida’s current governor, Rick Scott, certainly didn’t let us down in that department during last night’s gubernatorial debate with challenger Charlie Crist. He refused to come onstage in the beginning because Charlie Crist’s podium had an electric fan in it, and said that Crist was breaking the rule that bans the use of electronic devices in the debate.

Here are the opening minutes of the debate that almost didn’t take place:

Rick Scott finally came out, and in a strange fit of anti-logic, said that he refused to go onstage because he’d heard that Charlie Crist wasn’t going to show up — in spite of the fact that Crist had been onstage for several minutes, waiting:

The spirit and the letter of the electronics rule

The purpose of the ban on electronic devices during the debate is likely to prevent participants from receiving coaching during the debate. That makes sense. If we use the spirit of the rule, the use of an electric fan to keep cool (it was 90 degrees F/32 degrees C that day) is not a violation.

It’s likely that people on Scott’s team will resort to arguing the letter of the rule, and if they do, they’ll lose. The ban is on electronic devices, and there’s a difference between electric and electronic. These are electric appliances…

…and these are electronic appliances:

The simplest way to make the electric/electronic distinction is:

• Electric devices use electricity to transmit, manipulate, and convert power. They use electrical energy and convert it into usable light, heat, and mechanical energy.
• Electronic devices use electricity to transmit, manipulate, and convert information. They use electrical energy in the service of transmitting and receiving information in analog or digital form, as visual, audio, or numerical data.

An electric fan — and yes, it’s an electric fan — is decidedly not an electronic device.

Oddly enough, the rule banning electronics has a very notable exception — each participant in the debate is required to use the electronic aid pictured below:

After this debate, I wouldn’t be surprised if this image kept popping up all over the place:

I’m taking a week off work and blogging, and The Adventures of Accordion Guy in the 21st Century will be back to regular articles on Monday, October 20th.

This Awkward Yeti comic is one you can file under “It’s funny because it’s true”:

Click the comic to see it on its original page.

Why doesn’t this have a million views yet? How can you not love a totally shredding metal version of Men Without Hats’ Safety Dance?

Her’s the original, in case you need a refresher:

And finally, if you want to teach your kids to headbang, here’s the guy’s wonderful metallized cover of Let It Go from Frozen:

A number of my friends are going through some challenging times. I know what that’s like, and for their benefit, I’d like to share this “bummed out” playlist that got me through the end of 2010 and start of 2011, when I was going through what I call “The Great Reset”.

OK Go’s This Too Shall Pass

Every “bummed out” playlist needs at least one song with this message. The Sufi poets were the first to come up with this gem, and it’s been used time and time again, by Solomon, Edward Fitzgerald, Abraham Lincoln, and alt-rock band OK Go. Their song was so nice, they made a video for it twice — once with a Rube Goldberg machine…

…and once as a marching band with a brass section in Ghillie suits:

Digital Leather’s Blackness

If the Bloodhound Gang decided to write more serious songs, they might end up sounding like this. For some perverse reason, I like the verse with these two lines, one after the other: “I’ve got courage in my heart / Love is a feeling like warm black leather”.

Broken Bells’ The High Road

“‘Cause they know and so do I / The high road is hard to find…”

The Black Keys’ Next Girl

The chorus is a promise I made to myself when I was in the hospital.

Retro Trip

I added some tunes that I used to have on my “bummed out” playlist from early 1991, because there’s comfort in the familiar. My problems then seem so minor compared to early 2011.

The Jesus and Mary Chain’s Snakedriver

Yeah, it’s three-chord rock and roll, but it’s great three-chord rock and roll.

Ozzy Osbourne’s No More Tears

Ozzy was a real mess at this point, and this song was him letting it all out.

Faith No More’s Midlife Crisis

One of their best tracks. Did anyone see them when they played that roller rink in Mississauga in ’90? Now that was a show.

MC 900 Ft Jesus and DJ Zero’s Straight to Heaven

A great track off a great and underappreciated album, Hell with the Lid Off. They played at Alfie’s Pub at Crazy Go Nuts University, and DJ Jerome even let DJ Zero do a session after the show, which was stunning.

KMFDM’s Godlike

During my time as a DJ at Clark Hall Pub, this industrial dance single became a sort of pub anthem. Here’s a version they did live in 2004…

And here’s the studio version.

KMFDM’s Stray Bullet

You want angry? You got angry.

Nine Inch Nails’ Down in It

I like the rawness of this demo version — next to it, the version on Pretty Hate Machine feels overproduced.

Washed Out’s Eyes Be Closed

After all that angst, something a little more chill.

The New Pornographers’ The Laws Have Changed

You’re playing a new game, with new rules. Hence this song:

Classfied’s That Ain’t Classy

And while times may be rough, that’s no reason not to take the high road. Since I’ve already got a song called “The High Road” on this list, here’s an equally fitting tune:

Cee-Lo’s Fuck You

This was gaining momentum on the charts at the time, and if it weren’t for the lyrics about being broke (I was working at Microsoft at the time, and my bank account was super-flush), it would fit perfectly. I’m going with the full-on F-word version, not that “Eff You” or “Forget You” nonsense.

The Streets’ Going Through Hell

My personal anthem whenever I didn’t feel like getting out of bed at the time. “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog,” as they say.

Digitalism’s Forrest Gump

And once I got out of bed, this musical biscuit from a German electronic duo in conjunction with the lyrics guy from The Strokes got me to full speed:

Don’t do it, officer!