Florida Report #1: Signs you grew up in Florida, post-holiday Florida discounts, and the usual Florida Man/Woman stories

Buzzfeed’s Signs You Grew Up in Florida video

I didn’t grow up here, but this video seems pretty spot-on. Especially the bit about the subs at Publix.

Post-holiday Florida discounts

Joey deVilla poses with a Florida-shaped serving tray.

I found this Sunshine State-shaped serving tray on New Year’s Day at my local Fresh Market. It’s perfect for serving all sorts of things for which Florida is famous, from orange juice to key lime pie bites to sexy retirements to terrible life choices.

A book titled 'Santa is Coming to Florida'.

Santa’s got a nice list, a naughty list, and for Florida, a WTF list. If you’re one of those people who likes to stockpile cheap Christmas gifts really early, you can find this book at Publix.

Florida Man/Woman

'McLovin'' driver's license from 'Superbad'.Niceville, Florida is the home of the Boggy Bayou Mullet Festival (that’s “mullet” as in the fish, not the hairstyle). It’s also the home of a man with an outstanding warrant, who was pulled over by a police officer for a windshield crack in his field of vision. The guy gave the officer a fake name, but that fake name belonged to someone with a suspended driver’s license for a DUI and who was also wanted for aggravated battery.

The time-traveling DeLorean from 'Back to the Future'.

Three Pensacola offices are boarded up after being rammed by a Dodge Challenger driven by a man attempting to time travel. Remember, people: it’s not just hitting 88 miles an hour that does it; you also need the proper equipment.

A car door handle.

“A West Palm Beach teen peed on his neighbor’s car door handle, then hid in the bushes waiting for the neighbor to touch the door, West Palm Beach police report.”

A man sticking his bare butt off the side of a boat, in preparation for pooping.

Not actual photo from the story, but an actual still from a YouTube video on the topic.

Maybe I’ll just quote the article: “A Florida plumber caught drunkenly boating through a manatee zone pooped in the water and threw his marijuana overboard when a deputy tried to arrest him, deputies said… As the officer began to climb aboard Bates’ vessel to arrest him, Bates defecated over the side of the ship, deputies said.

A 'Spencer's' storefront.

Dude, this is why online shopping exists: A Vero beach man attempted to shoplift a butt plug and a “stroker can” from a Spencer’s store because he was “too embarrassed” to walk up to the cashier and pay for them. A moment’s temporary shame with a cashier who’ll forget about you five minutes later is nothing compared to a permanent police record and an article on The Smoking Gun.


Revenge of the Sith, special chili edition

"It's over, Anakin! I have the high ground!": Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker action figures fighting on a yardstick over a pot of hot chili.

In this particular case, Obi-Wan has the high ground beef.


My first accordion number of 2016: “Holiday in Cambodia” by the Dead Kennedys

I always bring my accordion to whatever New Year’s Eve party I’m attending, which means I always end up playing my first song of the year very soon after midnight.

At one point in our host Tom’s rousing, rambling, and raunchy “Welcome 2016” speech, there came the perfect opportunity for an appropriate song: Holiday in Cambodia by the Dead Kennedys. One of the partygoers managed to capture a few seconds of my performance, but it should be more than enough to give you an idea of what the party was like.

Happy new year, everybody!

And now, the original: