Month: June 2013

This might work if it’s a peace offering to a friend, less so if it’s for a significant other or spouse. A cronut might be even more effective.

AWWW YISSS:

Click to see the awesomeness at full size.

That’s damned fine stationery.

Found via Derek Chatwood.

If you have lived past your twenties now and have not lived a sheltered life, chances are you’ve already internalized Thought Catalog’s 19 Brutal Truths About Life That No One Will Tell You. Still, just like the mandatory training videos they made me watch at Microsoft that explain that bribing government officials in order to land a sweet bonus-earning deal is wrong, there’s a certain power and usefulness in stating the obvious.

Go and read the full article, but for the benefit of those you aren’t sure, here’s a list of my quick summaries.

1. Getting friendzoned? It’s because they don’t want to see you naked.
2. Sometimes you’ll be the person everyone else trash-talks, because sometimes you’ve earned it.
3. Unflattering photos of you are more accurate representations of what you look like. Suck it up, ugly.
4. People think about their exes in bed sometimes, including with you.
5. You’re going to see a lot of people who peaked in high school, and feel superior to them or pity for them. Enjoy.
6. Some people are going to think that you peaked in high school, and feel superior to you or pity you. Deal.
7. The people who once treated you like dirt but now treat you nicely are doing so not because they’ve evolved but because you’ve gotten better-looking or more financially successful.
8. People judge you on how you dress.
9. It might be that you went into debt to get your degree, only for it to turn out to be a waste of money.
10. But get that degree anyway, because it might affect how people judge you.
11. This one is so true that I’m just going to quote it directly rather than summarize: Having rich, well-connected parents basically cancel out every other qualifier of talent or hard work or potential. They are the trump card of life.
12. Having rich, well-connected parents will make other people secretly resent you. Don’t sweat it; they’ll still have to stay on your good side.
13. Again, a direct quote rather than a summary: Most politicians, even the “progressive” ones, give a shit about literally no one and nothing but themselves and their mistresses.
14. Your ex has trash-talked you to their subsequent significant others. It happens, and you’ve probably done the same.
15. Another direct quote rather than a summary: At least two of your “friends” don’t actually like you.
16. Most of the terrible things people say about each other boil down to jealousy; tearing someone down is the easiest way to feel better about oneself.
17. One more direct quote: You might just not be good enough for that job you are positive that you really deserve.
18. Some of those most cherished memories with people you used to love may be the memories those people are trying to forget.
19. People have created “leagues” in their mind (as in “She’s out of your league”), and some will judge you as below theirs. Give them a wide berth.

Before you decide to shutter yourself away from the sewer that is humanity, remember that:

• A lot of this stuff just comes from the minor insecurities, jealousies and greed that are part and parcel of being human. As bad as these aspects of our nature often are, they’re also necessary: things like ambition and the drive to excel also come from them.
• Most of the people who are close to you will do these things only to a minor degree, and you’ve done the same to them.
• You can’t control who your parents are, but you have some control over how people perceive you.
• There’s always tequila!

That’s right, there’s always tequila. The end of the article is my favourite part: it’s a paid text ad for the Patron Social Club. I like the message it unintentionally sends: “People are terrible; have some tequila!”

Found by Nicole Simone, who is out of my league, and therefore more certainly out of yours.

Rob Ford on his call-in talk radio show, sporting his old ‘do,
before his new, close-cropped, you-can’t-test-this-for-drugs buzz cut.

Dave Price, the director of operations and logistics of Toronto’s raging embarrassment of a mayor, Rob Ford, used to call in to the mayor’s Sunday call-in talk radio show and claim to be Dave various parts of the city. Dave lives in Georgetown, although he’s called in as “Dave from Scarborough”, “Dave from Etobicoke”, and Dave from other regions of the city, always to heap praise on the mayor and his brother, Doug Ford, who lives under the delusion that he was elected to be co-mayor. Dave was he mayor’s high school football coach back when Rob was a student, and was Rob’s campaign manager in the 2010 election.

While this sort of thing is hardly voter suppression, embezzlement, or hey, a complete refusal to explain posing for a picture in which two guys are in jail, one was shot in apparent gang activity and the backdrop is a known crack den, but it still is a sign of the “rules are for other people” approach that His Worship is known for.

Oddly enough, this story was run by the Toronto Sun, the preferred misinformation source of Accordion City’s low-information voter crowd, and normally play the part of Animal Farm’s sheep to the Ford brothers’ Old Major and Napoleon.

In honour of these calls from Dave — well, at least Price was telling the truth about his name — here’s the Kids in the Hall’s classic routine, The Daves I Know:

I’ve been up to more accordion hijinks as of late. I still take it out whenever there’s socializing to be done, and it still results in lots of fun. Here’s a shot of me entertaining my friends Lady Miss “Lake Louise” Verna, Paige and Twyla with my rendition of Taylor Swift’s We are Never Ever Getting Back Together:

The observant regular reader will notice that this isn’t my usual accordion, but the Crucianelli, my serious stage performance axe. I thought it had been a while since it had seen some action and decided to take it out that night.

There is still one accordion that needs a little repair, after which I will take out on the town again. It’s the Lido, and it’s also known as the Chick Magnet for its incredible powers. It’s the accordion in this infamous photo:

A couple of weeks later, I made an appearance at Social Game Universe’s office, not far from King and Portland, where a party was being held to promote Scott Nihill’s upcoming graphic novel, Bleedback. where I got to mix an accordion performance with an opportunity to wear one of those horse head masks:

Click the photo to see it at full size.

The horse mask looks great in profile. Viewed head on, it looks a little alien and disturbing:

A couple of weeks after that party, I caught up with Nathon Gunn at the rooftop of The Pilot, where we ended up stumbling into a party full of energy sector execs and energy policy wonks. Nathon couldn’t resist trying on the accordion for size…

One of the people we met was Ted, who turned out not only to work in the energy industry, but also co-owned the bar (a man’s gotta have a hobby!). He pointed out that the Sattalites, a reggae band that were a big deal on local alt-rock radio back during my misspent youth in the ’80s, were taking the stage. We went a little closer to the stage, and after the band realized that I knew a good number of their tunes, they invited me to jam:

Nathon shot this video clip of me groovin’ along to the reggae beat. I’m from a tropical island, so this comes to me naturally:

A few days after the Pilot jam session was the first official Patio Friday of the year, which took place on the rooftop bar at Remy’s. There were more than a handful of people celebrating a birthday that night, and I made forty bucks and a few free drinks just by playing Happy Birthday several times in a row.

I even got to give a nice young lady some introductory accordion lessons:

Verna shot this Vine video of me playing for the table beside us:

So remember, folks:

It would appear that late night TV talk show host Jimmy Kimmel wants to beat Rebecca Black at her own game by putting out the all-dudes version of Friday: Sausage Party!

The phrase “sausage party” will always be near and dear to my heart, so I’m going to call this my personal favourite summer single. Perhaps you’ll like it too: