"Being a mom cheese"

This is a list that appears in For the Love of Cheese: A Celebration of All Things Cheesy, a book published by the editors of Might magazine, many of whose writers and editors became Timothy McSweeney’s publishing cabal.

Keep in mind that my life revolves around cheesiness!

• Asking if you have enough money to eat
• Gardening tools
• Gardening gloves
• Seasoned olive oil
• Wishing you luck before finals (Bonus: You’re in Law School!)
• Wishing you luck before you finalize a multimillion-dollar business venture (Mom, before a dog-and-pony show I did for our first investors with Cory, back in the OpenCola days: “Joey, you could be the next Bill Gates!” “I’ll take that as a compliment, Mom.”)
• Brooches
• Foreign exchange students
• Swearing (Not my mom. If I were given a choice between swearing in front of Mom and getting shot, I’d answer “Um, it depends. Where would you shoot me, and are we talking direct hit or just a grazing wound?”)
• Wearing jeans
• Riding bikes (Bonus: Getting Dad to ride tandem)
• Trying to get Dad to take her out on the town. (Joey’s bonus: Opera, where Dad dozes off by the thrid aria!)
• The Mom Cut (here it is, as demonstrated by my friend Liz)
• Talking about herself in a sexual way
• Saying “Oh, lighten up”
• Saying “You used to be so cute”
• Saying “You’ve got something on your seat“, referring to your butt
• Putting on lipstick for church
• Wearing fur
• Clipping articles and sending them to you, F.Y.I. (Joey’s bonus: Doing it via email!)