“I Won” (“Wayne LaPierre’s” Editorial in The Onion) [Updated]

It’s odd that the most bang-on, if you’ll pardon the term, article on the recent ruling on gun control in the U.S. was written by The Onion. Odd, but not surprising. The full thing’s over at The Onion — check it out!

I won.

In fact, I would go so far as to say that I absolutely fucking walloped you.

Now, even though you got absolutely annihilated here, I bet you actually thought you had a pretty good chance this time around. Four months ago, after 20 children were senselessly gunned down in the one place they should have been safe, you said to yourself, “Enough is enough. We’re going to get to work and make some serious changes to the gun laws in this country so that this kind of thing never happens again.” I could tell you all really wanted to win, but I knew you would lose.

The truth is, you never had a fucking chance. I had Congress in my back pocket the entire time, and so when that big gun control proposal reared its ugly head, we gradually chipped away at it, snipping away provisions for an assault rifle ban and restrictions on high-capacity magazines until all that was left was the idea of expanding background checks to keep military-grade killing implements from falling into the hands of criminals and the mentally unhinged, a relatively innocuous measure supported by 90 percent of Americans.

Once again, be sure to read the full article.

Update: I cut the article down from full-blown copypasta down to some excerpts.