Everything You Need to Know About Guys, Explained in a Single Paragraph

One of the interesting side effects of writing funny if somewhat embarrassing dating stories is that people start coming to you for dating advice. If you Google for the phrase “master of dating”, the first page of results points to an Alex Payne blog entry which categorizes me as such. This has only increased since I got married; I assume that this is because people believe that as a married man, I have accomplished the dating mission. I would counter by saying that “it’s the journey that counts, not the destination“, but that’s not the point of this entry.

A number of women friends, acquaintances and blog readers whom I’ve never met but have sent me emails have told me that there seems to be some sort of guy shortage, and this leads to the inevitable question along the lines of “What are guys thinking?” or “Could you please tell me about the guy mindset?”

Explaining this feels like trying to explain colours to someone who’s been blind since birth. I usually end up falling back on my “Chihuahua Theory”, which goes like this:

Imagine that there’s a little chihuahua in your head that barks at everything.

While this is a glib, throwaway answer, most people upon hearing this suddenly change facial expression, as if they’re having a Eureka! moment. “Yes!” they say, “I understand!”

This theory amused the Ginger Ninja when I first explained it to her about a month into our dating; it’s why her first Christmas present to me was a plush chihuahua.