Congrats, Derek and Allison!

Black Hugo Boss suit? Check.

Dress accordion? Check.

Camera? Check.

Gift? Check.

I’m off to Queenston, Ontario to see my friends Derek and Allison get married this afternoon at 5:00, and then party the whole night long with my friends from Crazy Go Nuts University. The ceremony’s in Queenston — where Allison’s family is from — but this is a rare opportunity to see this cute couple as they live in Switzerland now. It’s also a chance to see Dhimant, who lives in Philly and Sascha, who’s now in Ottawa.

Weddings, the theory goes, are good places to, ahem, hook up. Or at least they would be, if my friends getting married would show some common courtesy and invite single women to their weddings. I want to be able to affect a Spider-Man voice (a la the old cheesy animated series) and say “Bridesmaid…senses…tingling!”

(A number of people have asked me recently if I’m one of those “committed bachelors”. Actually, the answer is no — it’s just that the one person I ever seriously broached the subject with said “no”. She will regret this decision years from now, when local news crews use her life story for puff pieces: “And now, here’s a story about the crazy old lady whose lives alone with 75 cats…”)

Anyway, on Sunday, we’ll probably explore the wonderfully cheesy Niagara Falls tourist traps. I need to work on my Skee-Ball game.