This one goes out to all the moms I know — and future moms, especially the ones hardcore enough to post pictures of their ejected mucous plugs on the Internet — who partied hard but now have gone Seriously Domestic.
(Worry not, I didn’t link directly to the picture. The link is on Quinn’s blog, and I made the mistake of clicking to take a look. I couldn’t look away. It looked exactly like the Atkins-friendly almond butter-and-cream dessert I’d just had, which made the experience ten times worse. Thanks a lot, Quinn — after seeing that…thing, I’m different now.)
Someday, I’ll perform the boy’s version of this song on my accordion at Parent-Teacher Association meetings. To steal a line from St. Augustine: “Give me Domesticity…but not yet!”
Volvo-Driving Soccer Mom
by Everclear
from their new album “Slow Motion Daydream”
You know I used to be a bad girl
I got busy in the bathroom at my high school prom
I used to be a dancer at the local strip club
But now I know my right wing from my wrong
Yeah, yeah
I really used to be a bad girl
I had a threesome with my sister and her boyfriend Tom
Yes, I used to be a real wild child
But now I am a Volvo-driving soccer mom
Nana nana nana nana nana nana
I really used to be a bad girl
I got busted for possession of my wizard-shaped bong
I used to do the things they tell me not to do
But now I’m different–now I sing a new song
I really used to be a bad girl
I got gang-banged in the bathroom at my high school prom
Yes, I used to be a real wild child
But now I am a Volvo-driving soccer mom
Nana nana nana nana nana nana
Volvo-driving soccer mom
Nana nana nana nana nana nana
Volvo-driving soccer mom
Nana nana nana nana nana nana
Volvo-driving soccer mom
Nana nana nana nana nana nana
Volvo-driving soccer mom
Nana nana nana nana nana nana
Where do all the porn stars go
W when the lights go down?
Wonder where all the porn stars go
‘Cause when you need one, they are never around
Heard they moved out to the suburbs
And now they’re blonde, bland, middle-class Republican wives
They’ve got blonde, bland, middle-class Republican children
And Blonde, bland, middle-class Republican lives
Where do all the porn stars go
When the lights go down
Wonder where all the porn stars go
They all become Volvo-driving soccer moms
Nana nana nana nana nana nana
Volvo-driving soccer mom
Nana nana nana nana nana nana
Volvo-driving soccer mom
Nana nana nana nana nana nana
Volvo-driving soccer mom
Nana nana nana nana nana nana
Volvo-driving soccer mom
Nana nana nana nana nana nana
P.S.: No, none of the moms I know have ever made any adult films.
P.P.S.: Come to think of it, one of my exes could sing this song with very few changes to the lyrics. Damned accordion and damned hormones, they’ll be my undoing.
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While we are talking about the issue of Volvo-Driving Soccer Mom — The Adventures of Accordion Guy in the 21st Century, Remember to browse over all your choices before settling on a good one. It does not have to be expensive and pricey for as long as you find the one that fits well to your driving needs.