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The comical and sometimes criminal antics of Toronto’s world-infamous crack-smoking mayor have set the bar for the title so low that these fictitious candidates’ very simple promises make them sound appealing in comparison. Katie Simpson, a reporter with Toronto 24-hour cable news channel CP24 found and tweeted these photos of the posters: poster 1, poster 2, and poster 3.

“The current mayor threatens to kill people and gets publicly drunk,” reads the poster for “candidate” Ray Faranzi, whose sweaty-faced, messy-haired, tied-one-on visage appears on its left side. “If elected, I promise I will just get publicly drunk.”

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“Candidate” Jim Tomkins looks a little more put-together than Ray Faranzi, but he’s still got that “I just killed 5 shots of Jagermeister” look about him. “When I urinate in public,” reads his poster, “I never get caught on camera.”

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And finally, we have “candidate” Jeff McElroy, who looks a little less scruffy than programmers of the Richard M. Stallman ilk, but still a little more dishevelled than even the mayor of Portland should appear. “He promises to just smoke pot as mayor,” says his poster, “Not crack.”

Kudos to whoever made these! It’s going to be a long campaign in Toronto (the election takes place in October), but at least it’ll be an entertaining one.

Props to Reg Braithwaite for finding these!

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Here’s Poolside, the ad for the $76,000 Cadillac ELR, a luxury electric car that — if you take the ad seriously — is aimed at the douchey segment of “the 1%” who are looking for their next “beater car” and are curious about electrics:

Don’t listen to the actor reading lines written by some cynical ad guy about why the US stopped going to the moon. Instead, listen to someone with a real education and a real job — real space scientist and knowledge hero Neil Degrasse Tyson, who gives us the real reason we took a break from the moon:

We discovered Earth.

In a time when income inequality in the US is reached new highs , when big politicians who killed jobs and businesses to line investors’ coffers equate low bank balances with low character, and big employers like McDonald’s are putting out hilariously tone-deaf pamphlets to help their minimum-wage employees stretch their dollar (get a second full-time job!) and advising them on how much to tip the pool boy, Cadillac’s ad comes close to needing to invoke Poe’s Law: that sometimes, it’s hard to tell the difference between the real thing and its parody.

In response, Ford put out the Upside ad for their C-MAX electric car, which takes the same honorable themes from the Poolside ad — America, hard work, entrepreneurship, environmentalism — and uses them in a much better way, turning the Cadillac ad on its ear at the same time:

As Jalopnik puts it:

See, you can do this kind of ad without coming off like a jingoistic sociopath. N’est-ce pas?

N’est-ce pas?, the line used to close both ads, is French for Isn’t that so?

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Bill Murray’s awesome PBR golf pants

by Joey deVilla on March 27, 2014

bill murray pabst blue ribbon pants

Photo from Uproxx. Click to see the source.

Now that I’m a Florida-based silver-haired gentleman, I need to get my mitts on a pair of PBR pants like Bill Murray’s. If I can walk around with an accordion, I can walk around in these pants. Apparently, there’s a company that makes pants with your company’s logo on them; I should talk to the guys at GSG about getting some made!

Here’s Bill talking about the charity golf event where he wore the pants, as well as the pants themselves:

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undercover cell cops

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If “not killing people” wasn’t incentive enough for you to put down your phone while driving in Accordion City, here’s another: the cops have taken to dressing like roadside panhandlers to spot people breaking the mobile phone law. I love this cop’s cardboard box sign.

We need to start a betting pool on when they’ll pull over Rob Ford.

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For the want of a comma

by Joey deVilla on March 25, 2014

kathleen bangs - aviation expert - 01

A recent broadcast of a news piece on the missing Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 highlighted the value of good punctuation. When your last name is also a verb and your full name is immediately followed by your role, you want a comma between them –  there is a difference between “Kathleen Bangs, Aviation Expert” and “Kathleen Bangs Aviation Expert”.

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R.I.P. Dave Brockie, “Oderus Urungus” from GWAR

by Joey deVilla on March 24, 2014

RIP ODERUS URUNGUS

The greatest achievement of thrash metal parody band GWAR was they they somehow conned bored suburban metalhead kids into watching performance art. Since 1984, the band’s been donning their costumes, playing some of the most amusing metal out there, and dismembering modern culture both literally in their lyrics and figuratively onstage. I got my chance to see GWAR on New Year’s Eve 1991 at The Rialto in Montreal with my friend Rob Strickler, whom I somehow managed to convince to come along for the show. They made their entrance by bursting through a fake brick wall at midnight, with frontcreature Oderus Urungus (played by Dave Brockie) yelling “HAPPY NEW YEAR, HUMAN SCUM!”, and then sprayed the front rows with fake blood and semen. It was one of the better ways to start a new year.

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Dave Brockie, who founded and fronted GWAR, was found dead in his apartment in Richmond, Virginia, last night at 7 p.m. by a bandmate. The police do not suspect foul play, nor did they find drugs inside his home — he was just found dead, sitting upright in his chair.

The best way to remember Brockie is to enjoy his hilarious over-the-top performances. Here are a few musical selections…


GWAR covers Billy Ocean


GWAR covers Kansas 

They do more than music. So much, much more:

Here they are on Joan Rivers:

…and I can’t forget their appearance on Jerry Springer:

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Here are some more photos from Day 2 of the Tampa-to-Toronto road trip

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We had only a couple of hours to spend in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, (“The Land of More”) and the place has built up so many amusements over the years that it takes at least a weekend to properly see them. It wasn’t possible to get decent photos from the car, so the photo above and the next few are neighter mine nor Eldon’s, but internet finds to show you what we saw and missed.

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It would’ve been fun to check out Dollywood, but unfortunately, it was closed for the season when we passed through Pigeon Forge. Theme Park Review gave it four and a half stars out of five, as does TripAdvisor, while Yelp gives it a four out of five rating.

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Lest you think that everything in Pigeon Forge is country music-themed, there’s the Titanic Museum, whose slogan is “World’s largest museum attraction”. The Smoky Mountains are deep inland and a couple thousand miles from where the Titanic sank, but that shouldn’t stop you from visiting.

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The Island is a new addition to Pigeon Forge, and it opened last summer. It’s an amusement park with more shopping and restaurants and marked by The Great Smoky Mountain Wheel, a 200 foot tall ferris wheel.

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I’ll just let the intro paragraph on Wonderworks’ site do the talking:

WonderWorks Pigeon Forge began as a Top Secret research laboratory on a remote island in the Bermuda Triangle. As legend has it, the world’s greatest scientists – led by Professor Wonder – were given the task of creating a man-made tornado and harnessing the POWER of it. During this experiment, something went awry and the power of the tornado was unleashed throughout the laboratory. This created a swirling vortex that was strong enough to rip the laboratory from its foundation. It was carried thousands of miles away and landed upside-down on the top of a theater in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. Remarkably, all of the experiments remained intact and functional.

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Of course we were going to check out what is purported to be the world’s largest knife store. BECAUSE KNIVES. I took the photos below as I giddily ran about the shop.

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I was disappointed that the Bear Grylls display had no gear to help you do what he’s internet famous for:

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The folks at Smoky Mountain Knife Works know that life isn’t just about survival, self-defense, and huntin’; it’s just not complete without some sweet, sweet, lovin’. But please — not in the store.

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Got a Wolverine or ninja fantasy? They can help you with that:

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If your tastes run more towards Game of Thrones, they can help you with that too:

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And hey, even Star Wars fans can find lots of stuff here:

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I was pleased to see that they had a section devoted to Cold Steel’s knives, machetes, and other sharp, pointy goodies:

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If you’ve never seen Cold Steel’s YouTube videos, you’re missing out on some over-the-top bladed fun. Here’s their latest one:

It was aisle after aisle of cool, cool stuff…

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If you ever find yourself near Pigeon Forge — Knoxville isn’t too far — do be sure to make a trip to Smoky Mountain Knife Works, which is just as much an amusement as many of those down the road, and it’s free to visit!

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And now, some additional pics from our final stop of the day, the Wicked Weed Brewing Company. The place gets its name from a declaration by King Henry VIII, who called hops “a wicked and pernicious weed” that would destroy beer. It would take a while before craft brewers would go overboard with hops, but when used with some moderation, they give beer a much-needed kick in the pants, and the folks at Wicked Weed know this. Be sure to check out what they’ve got on tap!

Here I am, enjoying the first beer after a very long drive:

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Here’s another shot of me enjoying that same beer, with bonus photobombing from one of the waitstaff:

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Here’s my dinner: greens, a very tasty pork chop, and a macaroni and cheese cake:

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After dinner, dessert: more beer, and some chocolate-covered pretzels. Eldon was quite impressed:

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Here’s a close-up of that pretzel. Even if you don’t drink beer, you need to drop by Wicked Weed for the food:

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