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If “Floridian” was a race in Dungeons and Dragons

Photo: “Floridian” as described in a Dungeons and Dragons Player’s Handbook.
It looks just like an entry from the Player’s Handbook! Tap the image to see it at full size.

Why play a human, elf, or dwarf in Dungeons and Dragons, when you can play a race that really knows how to have a good time: a Floridian?

This D&D parody page does a great job of describing the strange race that inhabits the swamps of America’s drainpipe. It’s actually pretty good — I would want to play as a floridian bard in my next D&D campaign!

Here’s its text:

Floridian

Much like tieflings carry the essence of Asmodeus, the floridians are descendants of a human bloodline cursed by the trickery domain. A floridian parent will pass along this curse to any and all offspring they create. Anyone born to at least one floridian parent is destined to become an agent of chaos themselves.

Floridian traits

As a floridian, your traits combine those of a human with uncanny traits provided by your chaotic nature:

  • Ability score increase. Your Constitution score increases by 2, and two other ability scores of your choice increase by 1.
  • Age. Floridians age similar to humans and live less than a century. However, they are likely to perish due to an accidental mishap before they reach old age.
  • Alignment. Floridians are entirely chaotic with no discernible logic to their actions. Their intentions are difficult to discern but can lead to results of any alignment.
  • Size. Floridians are approximately the same height as humans, though their weight is usually above average. Your size is Medium.
  • Speed. Your base walking speed is 30 feet.
  • Hold my Beer. You have the uncanny ability to succeed in the least likely of circumstances. When you fail an attack roll or ability check that you rolled with a disadvantage, you can choose to take the higher of the rolls instead, potentially turning the failure into a success. You must finish a long rest before you can do so again.
  • Muddled Thoughts. You have an advantage on saving throws against being charmed and your mind cannot be read by magic.
  • Reptile Wrangler. Whenever you make a Wisdom (Animal Handling) check to handle a reptilian beats, you are considered proficient in the Animal Handling skill and add double your proficiency bonus to the check, instead of your normal proficiency bonus.
  • Language. You can just barely speak, read, and write Common and one other language of your choice. You can understand the ramblings of intoxicated creatures as long as they’re in a language you know.

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