January 2020

The best thing on Twitter yesterday was James Tabeek’s summary of the Republican’s “defense” of Donald Trump. If you’re confused about what happened, his explanation of their case in the form of a one-act play, sums it up clearly and hilariously.

I took his Twitter thread, which is based on his Facebook post, gathered it up in one place, and added some pictures, videos, and relevant links for context. Enjoy!

ALL THE WITNESSES: Ok we all agree. This is what happened.

REPUBLICANS: None of you were in the room!

John Bolton, former National Security Advisor (fired Sept. 2019).
Creative Commons photo by Gage Skidmore. Click to see the source.

BOLTON: *raises hand* Well I was in the…

REPUBLICANS: Who asked you?! Shut up! You’re a liberal pawn!

BOLTON: Um… I’m actually I’m a lifelong Republican and I was literally Trump’s national security advi…

REPUBLICANS: Shut your mustache! Somebody bring back the first national security advisor.

Mike Flynn, former National Security Advisor (had to resign 24 days into the job).
Creative Commons photo by Gage Skidmore. Click to see the source.

FLYNN: *in orange jumpsuit* Hey sorry guys I’m in jail lol.

REPUBLICANS: What? Why?

FLYNN: For lying to the FBI about the Russia investigation.

REPUBLICANS: Well what idiot told you to do that?!

FLYNN: The Pres…

REPUBLICANS: Shut up! No one believes either of you!

John Kelly, former White House Chief of Staff (left January 2019).
Photo by Department of Homeland Security. Click to see the source.

KELLY: *raises hand* I believe them. And I was Trump’s Chief of sta…

REPUBLICANS: Shut up! Let’s talk to the current chief of staff. Who is he?

Mick Mulvaney, acting White House Chief of Staff (January 2019 – ?)
Public domain photo.

MULVANEY: *raises hand* It’s me. Sort of. Well, I’m the act…

REPUBLICANS: Shit. Never mind.

Lev Parnas, businessman, associate of Rudy Giuliani.
Photo via House Judiciary Committee.

PARNAS: *raises hand* I was also in the room. In fact, here’s a cell phone video of the President saying that…

Here’s a sample of Parnas’ video, in which Trump asks how long Ukraine could hold out against Russia in a battle, and tells people to fire U.S. Ambassador to Ukraine Marie Yovanovitch:

Here’s the full-length video:

REPUBLICANS: Wait what?! How in hell did you sneak a cell phone into a meeting with the President?

PARNAS: It was easy I just walked right in and…

REPUBLICANS: Shut up! You’re a criminal!

PARNAS: Correct. So I just walked right into…

TRUMP: I don’t know him.

PARNAS: And here’s 500 pictures of me with the President because we’re besties.

REPUBLICANS: Wait… What idiot introduced you to the President??

PARNAS: His personal lawyer.

REPUBLICANS: Cohen??

Mike Cohen, former personal lawyer for Donald Trump, current convicted felon.
Creative Commons photo by IowaPolitics.com. Click to see the source.

COHEN: *also in orange jumpsuit* Hey no sorry guys I’m in jail too. Oops.

REPUBLICANS: Why?

COHEN: For campaign finance violations.

REPUBLICANS: Whose campaign?

COHEN: The Pres…

REPUBLICANS: Shut up! Who was the campaign chair??

Paul Manafort, former chairman of the Trump campaign, current convicted felon.
Public domain photo.

MANAFORT: *also in orange jumpsuit* Yeah. Me. Also in jail. Heyyyy.

REPUBLICANS: IS EVERYBODY IN JAIL?!?

PARNAS: It was Giuliani.

YOVANOVITCH: Giuliani! That’s the guy who had me fired from my job!

REPUBLICANS: Who are you??

Marie Yovanovitch, U.S. diplomat, former ambassador to Ukraine.
Public domain photo.

YOVANOVITCH: I was the ambassador to Ukraine.

REPUBLICANS: Wait, you had her fired? Do you work for the government??

GIULIANI: Nope. But I figured no one really follows any rules around here so…

REPUBLICANS: Well who is the ambassador to the European Union??

Gordon Sondland, U.S. ambassador to the European Union.
Public domain photo.

SONDLAND: *raises hand* It’s me. I was also in the roo…

REPUBLICANS: F@$&!!!

Vladimir Putin, Russian president, former KGB spy, shirtless puppetmaster of Donald Trump.

PUTIN: *rubs his bare chest*

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Mark this on your calendars: Ignite Tampa Bay — the event where Tampa Bay treats itself to tapas-sized TED talks — returns on Thursday, April 16th to the Palladium Theater in St. Pete!

Ignite Tampa Bay is an evening of talks that follow the philosophy of “Enlighten us, but make it quick!” It turns the standard speaker-and-audience format on its ear by adding some interesting constraints:

  • Each speaker is limited to exactly 5 minutes for his or her presentation.
  • Each presentation is accompanies by 20 slides, no more, no less.
  • The speaker has no control over when the slides advance; they automatically advance every 15 seconds.

The five minute limit forces speakers to whittle their presentations down to the essence of their talk, and the auto-advancing slides make it necessary to practice, practice, practice.

Want to see an example of an Ignite presentation? How about mine from Ignite Tampa Bay 2015, in which I explain in five minutes why the existence of Florida Man and Florida Woman is a good thing:

If you’d like to see talks from past Ignite Tampa Bay events going all the way back to the first one in 2011, they’re gathered up on this YouTube page.

I’ve been attending Ignite Tampa Bay since moving here in 2014, and it’s never failed to be a great evening of interesting talks, chances to catch up with old friends and make new ones, and even make some new connections. As a newcomer to Tampa, Ignite Tampa Bay helped me get the lay of the land, get to know key people in the Tampa Bay tech and entrepreneur scene, and even played a part in landing a couple of jobs and other opportunities — and that’s not counting the profile boost that I got from my talk in 2015. Ignite Tampa Bay is more than a fun evening out; it’s a key part of what makes Tampa Bay a great place in which to live, work, and play.

With the event a couple of months away, Ignite Tampa Bay is looking for two things that it can’t operate without:

  1. Sponsors: Companies (or well-heeled individuals) who are willing to provide Ignite Tampa Bay with the money it needs to promote and run this event. Want to sponsor Ignite Tampa Bay? Visit the Sponsorship Opportunities page to find out more and email info@technovaflorida.org to get it touch with them!
  2. Speakers: People who are willing to give a talk in the Ignite format in front of an audience — and reap the rewards for doing so! Want to speak at Ignite Tampa Bay? Sign up here!

Keep an eye on this site for more details about Ignite Tampa Bay and tickets!

This article also appears in Global Nerdy.

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Joey deVilla sits at a desk packed with laptops and screens.

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You can never have too many screens or Sith Lords.

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What “far left” and “center right” REALLY mean

by Joey deVilla on January 26, 2020

Tap the chart to see it at full size.

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The Taal volcano

by Joey deVilla on January 25, 2020

Creative Commons photo by “Ray in Manila”. Tap the photo to see the source.

Creative Commons photo by Mike Gonzalez. Tap the photo to see the source.

Still image from DW news report. Tap the photo to see the video.

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I think my friend Fred needs one of these mugs

by Joey deVilla on January 24, 2020

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Que penses-tu, Fred?

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Some people may call this passive-aggressive, but I call it creatively self-referential. I wonder if its creator read Gödel, Escher, Bach.

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