It’s a Small War After All (Or: A Marine Sergeant’s Proposed Siege Tactics to Take the Disneyland Castle)

by Joey deVilla on August 3, 2012

The Cinderella Castle at Disney theme parks

On the questions-and-answers site Quora, someone posed this amusing question: What are the optimal siege tactics for taking Magic Kingdom’s Cinderella Castle?

A frightened Mickey Mouse, as seen through a gunsight

By far the best answer has to be the one by Jon Davis, USMC (that’s U.S. Marine Corps — he participated in Operation Iraqi Freedom and honourably discharged in 2008). His answer is meticulous yet hilarious and presumably do-able Operation It’s a Small War After All.

Map of Disneyland showing troop movements

This is Phase 4 of Jon Davis’ battle plan.

First, Sergeant Davis starts with a fair assumption:

I chose to ignore the stipulation of a pre-gunpowder based strategy because the fortifications defending the Magic Kingdom and housing its troops was built with modern technology and therefore should be also considered a target for modern warfare.

Fine by me — this isn’t Game of Thrones and Disneyland isn’t King’s Landing.

Operation It’s a Small War After All has five phases, which I’ve summarized below:

  1. Secure a foothold in the Magic Kingdom. Davis proposes an area outside the tracks between Main Street USA and Tomorrowland, which gives the troops cover but deprives the Disney forces of the same.
  2. Bring in the first two infantry companies via the foothold area. One company makes its way to Main Street USA, the other to Tomorrowland. Take the buildings in Tomorrowland and search them for advanced weapons tech from tomorrow.
  3. Secure the assets in Main Street USA (now called “Mike Station”) and Tomorrowland (now “Tango Base”). Set up snipers and machine guns along the building and alleyways in these operations centers, covering key positions and places likely to be attacked by Disney forces.
  4. Make the primary assault on Cinderella’s stronghold! Going right down Main Street USA is what the enemy expects; it’s also suicide. It’s too open, plus the castle has a moat and a bridge that they can blow up to cut off access. Instead, Tango company will go through Fantasyland and attack the castle from the rear. Going through Fantasyland gives the opportunity for a secondary objective: blow up the “It’s a Small World” ride, thus silencing that infernal, repetitive stick-in-your-head song once and for all.
  5. The coup de grace: With the castle defences focused on the rear, the infantry staged at Mike station goes straight down Main Street USA, with the main thrust securing the castle and smaller breakaway groups securing other areas of the Magic Kingdom.

Still from Disney cartoon: Mickey weeping over an apparently dead Pluto's body.

Because Davis is an officer and a gentleman (and a very funny guy), he concludes his plan with the picture above and a reminder: “And as always men, honor the fallen.”

Be sure to read his answer in Quora — it’s high-larious.

Special thanks to Liz Lawley for pointing me to this!

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