Sacrelicious!

by Joey deVilla on March 4, 2002

Here’s Sacrelicious!, a one-act play inspired by these car decals and all that creationist/”Intelligent Design” nonsense. Enjoy!

Photo: 'Truth eating Darwin' fish decals.

The scene: God’s office. God is sitting at His desk.

God (to intercom): Gabriel, please send Moses in.

Gabriel the Archangel (on intercom): Yessir.

Moses enters the office, holding a pen and steno pad. He bows reverently to God and takes the seat facing His desk, sits down and prepares to write. God leans back into His chair, stretches His arms, and places His hands behind His head.

God: “In the beginning, there wasn’t anything, period. Except me. I was feeling creative, so I created the space-time continuum. Nifty work, that. Did it in a chronon too — pretty fast, if you catch my drift. You see, the early universe was smaller than a mustard seed — a tiny dense of mass of nothing but energy for the first few fractions of a second…”

Moses: Space-time con-what-ium?

God: Space-time continuum. You’ve got the three dimensions, length, width and depth, in which you humans can move more or less freely around, and then there’s the fourth dimension, time, which you’re slowly dragged through second by second. One of the descendants of that bunch of guys you’re wandering around the desert with, a nice kid with a bad hair life named Einstein finally figures it out a few thousand years from now. He’ll get it wrong when he says I don’t play dice. In truth, I shoot a pretty mean game of quantum craps…

Moses: Quantum?

God: It’s the basic building block of everything, matter or energy. That Einstein kid, clever fella, he figured out that matter and energy are the same thing. Real clever of me to make the universe so modular, huh? Anyhow, back to the dictation. So: mere fractions of a second after the entire space-time continuum has been formed, everything is just a very hot soup of random quanta. As the soup expands, it cools, and you get the four fundamental forces…

Moses: Wait! The Four Fundamental Horses! I know this one! Death, War, Famine and Plague, right?

God (raising an eyebrow): Er…no. Forces. Electromagnetism, gravity and the strong and weak nuclear forces.

Moses: Uh, but they’re terrifying, and they go around killing up stuff, right? And could you spell “electromagnetism” for me, please?

God: No. They’re the four forces which pretty much dictate the behaviour of matter in the universe. (Thinks for a moment.) I may have to dumb this chapter down a little. Ah, I have an idea. Let’s skip to the part about Earth, shall we?

Moses (turning to a new sheet of paper): Ah, something I understand. As you know, sir, my adoptive father — the Pharoah — had me taught by the finest tutors and scholars in all of Egypt.

God (rolling eyes, muttering): Oh this should be good for a laugh…(Looks at Moses with a sly grin.) Very well then. Why don’t you tell me what you know about the Earth?

Moses (eagerly): Very well, Sir! It’s a big flat disc. The sun and moon circle it, each taking turns travelling across a big bowl we call the sky, above which there’s a lot of water…

God: I think your tutors rode the short chariot to school.

Moses: Sir?

God: Nothing. Say, Moses, what holds up the Earth? What supports this big flat disc?

Moses: Our best research indicates that a turtle does, Sir. We even have independent confirmation from the Babylonians.

God: A turtle.

Moses: Yessir. A really big one. (Moses holds his arms outstreched to explain the size of the turtle.) Twenty, maybe thirty thousand cubits a side.

God (learning forward): Let’s assume for a moment that it is a turtle that holds up the earth. What does this turtle stand on then, hmmm?

Moses (almost leaping from his chair): I knew you were going to ask me that, Sir! That’s the really clever part — it’s turtles all the way down!

God: Oh, Jesus Christ.

Another door opens and through it, Jesus pokes his head into the office.

Jesus: Mmmmmyes?

God (muttering to Himself): It’s 1300 years before your birth and already that joke’s old. (Addresses Jesus, points at Moses) Son, this is Moses, a somewhat ignorant rube. I’m trying to as they say in parts south of Israel, “school him proper.”

Moses (looking a little flustered): I’m really trying to understand, Sir.

Jesus (entering the office): It’s all right, my child. (Walks over to Moses, puts his hand on his shoulder.) Let’s start with something simpler. Do you know how old the Earth is?

Moses: Current analysis indicates…wait, I have it here (Riffles through his satchel and pulls out a scroll)…approximately…three thousand years.

Jesus: You know, Moses, when you use Q-Tips to clean your ears, you should stop when you encounter resistance.

God (laughing): Be nice, Son. Moses, it’s closer to 4 billion years.

Moses (getting really flustered): Uh…what’s a billion?

Jesus: It’s a one with nine zeroes after it.

Moses: I know what a one is. What’s a…a “zee-roe”? (God and Jesus break into laughter. God leans back into His chair and lets out a deep belly laugh, while Jesus is doubled over in tears, banging His fist against God’s desk. Moses is on the verge of bursting into tears of shame.)

Moses (blubbering): I’m…I’m r-really sorry, S-sirs…I know I could never be as smart as y-you guys…I’m just an ignorant pigfucker…

God: Dude, don’t say “pigfucker” in front of Jesus. God and Jesus look at each other and begin laughing riotously.

Jesus: That show won’t even be created for another three thousand years! Foward-reference inside jokes! I love it!

God: It’s good to be the king.

Jesus looks at Moses, whose face is buried in his hands, sobbing. He approaches Moses and gives him a big hug.

God (to Himself): My Son, the hippie.

Jesus: Moses. Moses! Yo, Mo, chillax.

Moses looks up.

Jesus: Look at me. It’s all right. We love you. You’re our scribe, right? Look, let me explain: the Hindus and Arabs will figure out the concept of zero.

Moses: Hindus? Arabs?

Jesus: Yeah, from India and Arabia. Generally east of where you are. Great food, worship us in the form of Shiva and Allah and…

Moses: They worship false gods? Give us their coordinates and we’ll get pre-Flood on their asses, Sir!

Jesus: Uh….no. (Turns to God) Uh, Dad, until they have their science all worked out, maybe you should try the allegorical route. Don’t say the universe was created in a chronon; make it a time period they can wrap their grubby pre-atomic-clock minds around. Say, a week.

God: Go on…

Jesus wills a Gantt chart into being. Its title reads “The Genesis Project”.

God: Good thing there’s no such thing as the Star Trek franchise yet. Paramount Studios are litigious bastards.

Jesus: Ahem. (Points to chart.) If we look along the critical path here, you’ve got light and darkness on day one. A nice allegory for energy and matter if I say so myself…

God (leaning forward, resting His head on one hand): Yes. Something their simple minds can grasp

Jesus:…right up to humans on day 6, at which point you sign off on the project.

God: And what happens on day 7?

Jesus: Well, I’d like to establish the practice of padding the schedule in order to allow for unforeseen delays and such. Not that we need it; I just want to set a good example. In the words of the Jungle Brothers, we’ll say you “regroup and lounge / put on a couple of pounds / and make plans to create the raw, homegrown sounds.”

God (giving a “thumbs up”): Solid.

Gabriel the Archangel (on the intercom): Sir, your lunch appoinment is here.

God Ah, yes. Siddartha Gautama. Sid Non-vicious. I’m going to enlighten him while I make him some pizza.

Jesus: What kind of pizza does he like?

God: He wants me to make him…(giggle)…one with everything! Jesus and God break into laughter again.

Jesus: You’re hilarious, Dad! You crucify me!

God: Not for another thousand years or so… More laughter.

God: Moses, let’s call it a session for now. Why don’t you come back here next….Tuesday at 10:30? You’re free then?

Moses: Sir, I’m stuck in the middle of the desert. The only thing to do is gather manna and maybe keep the folks from building more idols out of their jewelry. Last week, they almost built a golden weasel until I stopped them. I’m still at a loss to explain how these former slaves managed to get enough gold to build the original calf. I think they stole it while they were in captivity, and I’m thinking of holding a board of inquiry into the matter…

God: Don’t sweat it. Look, I’ll see you next week.

Moses: Thank you, Sir.

Moses says goodbye, bows to both Jesus and God, and leaves.

God: You know, Son, there’s a chance they might always take the allegory at face value.

Jesus: Dad, they’re dumb, but they’re not that dumb.

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